I Want You to Know

I want you to know

I have no regrets

No regrets for ever loving you

I gave you my heart

And you held my soul

You were my true, true one

And a piece of me

Will never let you go

But I've finally realized

That while you will always be a part of me

Of my life...

It's time to never look back

At least not for me

I'll support you, hell, I'll raise a glass

For anything that will make you smile

You aren't mine though

You were never going to let that happen

And I'm happier without having you in my veins anymore

We're part of a messed up extended family

Hearts to hearts

And yet, I'm good

And damn I feel good not dwelling on my love for you

The pain and the sadness

The hurt and disappointment

I've shed it like skin

And risen

Whatever happens, come what may

I'm excited, because I can't see it

And I wouldn't be here

Wouldn't be who I am today

If I had never loved you

The way we loved.

Thank You

You said, you wanted me to be myself.

You said, you loved everything about me.

But your actions were knives to it all--

And I was left, struggling with my emotions.

You led me to think that I was going mad,

But you making me cry is what made it all go bad.

Chorus:

I have no regrets,

Those tears will make me stronger.

You mad me learn, what I didn't know yet,

And made me remember--

That I'm not dead.

So thank you, thank you

For showing me I can still open my heart.

Thank you, thank you

For showing me that the ice is gone.

I needed this, no matter how short it was.

I hope you can forgive me someday.

We weren't right for each other,

I had to end it all to save one another.

Chorus

Kisses and wishes,

we were two twenty-somethings,

Needing saving and redeeming from our pasts.

I couldn't handle it,

I was ready but the intensity was too much.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

Chorus

So thank you, thank you

You made me feel my heart beat again

Chorus

What Do You Think About

What do you think about, when you think of me?

Do you think of my lips and my ass?

My soft cream skin?

My laugh and smile?

The tears that sting my eyes?

My arms as they wrap around you, pulling you in,

Caressing away as many cares as I can?

Do you think about how much you miss me

Or how you wish you could tell me anything and everything,

But you're not sure where to start?

Do you think about the memories? The sighs?

The nights where I'd fall asleep against your chest?

Do you think about adventures you'd like to take me on?

Things you'd like to show me, teach me?

Do you wonder if I'm thinking about you?

Do you think about finally giving me all of your heart,

No excuses, no others, just giving it to the one who cares the most?

The one you once said you weren't sure how to give it to,

Even though you wanted to,

Who has always been patient in loving you?

Do you ever think, that I may walk away,

Turn my back, because of too much ache?

Do you think about how I may love you more than you'll ever realize,

And that perhaps you love me more than you'll ever show?

Do you ever think about how often I'm confused from your signals?

Your words and actions, and how sometimes, they don't intermingle?

What do you think about, when you think of your heart?

What do you think about, when you think of me?

Only You

You never stopped to think

That she could be the one.

Well, maybe you did, for a blink

Of a second. A heartbeat.

But you still kept talking to everyone

About your search, what you want.

Instead of staying awhile,

And getting to know every inch of her

Not just every inch of skin that your touches

Cause to vibrate from memories and sighs

But the soul’s mind-heart, that has grown

And altered. Instead of looking

You should be knowing. The woman

Before your eyes, that is always put to the side.

Don’t say the word love lightly.

Don’t say you wish and you want

If it will soon fall empty. Feeding lines

To a jaded heart, will eventually

Make that one numb. You keep hunting

And she’ll shut down. Chances have been given,

Only you can help the us now.

Told Me

You’ve told me you miss me.

Is it my kiss that you miss?

Warm blood pumping beneath thin skin?

The caressing and biting,

The movement of passion.

Do you fall asleep

With the memory of it?

The different pleasures that it has derived—

Fantasies brought forth to the front of your mind,

The feelings it sparked from inside?

You’ve said that you missed me,

And I know it’s more than just this,

But do me a favor—

Show me with a smile,

Show me with your own lips.

You Were the First Person

You were the first person, since the person I loved,

Who I deigned to let hold me, where it actually felt right. 

Where I was comfortable

And somewhat peaceful. 

It wasn’t my perfect,

My fairytale,

But it was right. 

I don’t regret it. 

In fact, I sort of miss it,

And I miss you. 

You are also the only other guy

I fell asleep next to,

Let alone in the arms of,

Besides the one my heart’s with, 

That I could fall asleep with so quickly—easily—

And slip away.

It hurts that you’re not around.

The silence,

The lack of laughter,

The music and eyes meeting.

You were a friend,

I still want you as a friend.

I thought I saw a beautiful soul, thirsty to grow.

Don’t stop growing,

But try to grow towards the sun,

Not the shadows.

You don’t belong in the shadows.

The shadows are where others like I, belong.

You may have been mean,

You may have done me wrong,

But I know I was doing wrong as well.

Trying to open the love sector of my heart,

To give you a chance outside of friendship,

Outside of attraction,

But my heart won’t turn off the love for the other.

Telling you I felt for you was wrong.

That was our mistake. Choking on the water.

I miss you, so yes, don’t stop the talk.

I know from my past, it won’t be the same,

But you are beautiful inside,

Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Don’t tell yourself different.

I never lied about what I saw,

So grow,

Open your leaves.

Offer another peace.

Offer yourself peace.

Once You're Gone

Summer days, they won’t be the same.

The laughter, the holding hands

You showin’ up on my doorstep.

Chorus:

What am I to do once you’re gone?

Where’s the fun in growin’ up without someone?

I always wanted you, you by my side

What’s the point of keepin’ on, keepin’ on?

What’s the point of keepin’ on, keepin’ on?

Love letters don’t always hold you warm.

I’d rather have your arms and your lips

The way you’ve made me feel from my toes to my fingertips.

Chorus

I’m not looking forward to you leaving,

Even though I’m sure I can find something to occupy my time.

It all just won’t be the same without you by my side.

Chorus

What am I to do?

Gotta say that my feelings are too strong,

Don’t want you to go, don’t want you gone.

So what’s the point, what’s the point of keepin’ on?

Chorus

What’s the point of keepin’ on once you’re gone?

In All Ways

**Actually wrote this back in November, during a class, and just discovered my notebook **

A dream is a wish your heart makes, supposedly.

If this is true, I’d give up everything—

If I could always have, me and you.

Take my hand, don’t let go.

I’m tired of standing on my own.

I’d have all I’ve ever wanted

If I’d never have to say goodbye.

Je t’adore, te amo

In all ways, I love you

We take the beauty and the flaws

Our hearts are at the center of love’s laws.

Slip Away

That’s it.

I’m done.

Us?

You’re gone.

I don’t believe the three words:

I love you.

Let’s not.

Gave you chances,

Let my feelings show,

Yeah, I was wrong

Once more.

Like the devil

You pulled me

Time

And again.

Seasons change

Just like them,

You come and go.

Give me words

And kindness…

I don’t know the truth

Of if you’re here or there.

You don’t know how to stay.

Stay? Is that a reality?

Nay.

I’ll believe it when you act.

Come in and remain,

Or else…I’ll slip away.

Why I Let It All Go

Three shots of tequila, I’m growin’ weak

Memory comes in, like the tide of a sea.

Come on baby, don’t you know

Don’t you know what it is that you’re doin’ to me?

The heartache of a kiss is like a dagger to me.

Another drink in, my tongue loosens

The warmth of the liquor spreads through my skin.

Come on baby, do you even remember

Do you even remember when I let it all go?

You’re why I let it all go.

Chorus:

When you find the one you want to be with

When you find the one that you need

It’s easy for the rest of the world to slip away.

You’re why I let it all go.

And the heartache of a kiss is like a dagger to me.

I’m getting pretty tipsy, fuzzy thoughts consuming

This isn’t me, I just want to drink you down the drain.

Come on baby, don’t you know

Don’t you know what it is that you’re doin’ to me?

The heartache of a kiss is like a dagger to me.

Pay the bartender, he looks me up and down

A wave and a glance, I walk on out.

Come on baby, do you even remember

Do you even remember when I let it all go?

You’re why I let it all go.

Chorus

The memory of your kiss is what’s making my heart bleed.

Just Like Love

There’s a heart slowly beating

In this chest of mine.

It’s waiting for you to come

Tell me the truth,

Tell me how you really feel.

Chorus:

Do you know the drumming of war?

It’s fast, scary, and absolutely terrifying.

Then again, you get moments,

You can feel like you’re flying—

It’s an adrenaline rush.

Just like love.

I can still remember,

When our eyes first met.

Something stirred inside me

I swear it was kismet;

Pretty sure my soul was ready to speak.

Chorus

Isn’t it funny how

All of these little things

They stick in your head and won’t get out.

The trueness of the situation

Is that, I don’t wanna live without you.

Chorus

So I keep, I keep holding on.

I try to run free,

But you, you’ve got me good and strong.

I’d give up everything

If it meant, one last night

In your arms, by your side.

Lightning

A memory slips in.

My heart skips a beat.

I don’t know what to feel,

What to think.

My body shudders.

The earth turns on its axis.

Another year comes

And is gone.

Look to the night sky

As lightning strikes—

Remembering your soft lips

As we stood on the porch steps.

For months, after you left

I built walls, like yours.

I numbed myself when it came to men;

No one could get in.

Then one summer night,

I stood alone on a balcony,

My head tilted upward as I stared

At the stars up high.

A cool breeze brushed against my arms

As I slipped off my shoes, my feet bare,

I felt as my arms hung limply by my sides,

As the walls deteriorated

And all that was left,

Was the spirit, the essence,

The memory of my heartache—

That of me and you.

My breath was caught in my throat

As far in the distance,

Heat lightning flashed and fireworks exploded.

Imaginary arms wrapped themselves around me,

And in that moment,

Not only did I miss you,

I knew it was time to stop hiding—

Time to move on, move forward.

My heart couldn’t take it,

Someone driven by love and here on earth because of it,

Should not fear it.

Yes, you broke me.

It was like somehow the diamond in the rough,

Was ground to dust—

I was choking on it.

Tears flow freely,

Your name is a sting to my flesh.

The sight of you causes all my senses to crash.

As friends shake me, ask if I’m okay

But I’m just gone from this plane—

It’s a temporary escape.

One day, I shall face.

My prayer is to walk up to you,

I’ll smile—

For I was the angel you needed,

And nothing should be forgotten,

But from the depths of what is me,

I erase my pride.

All is forgiven.

My love for you, I’m sure will continue on,

Though the love for myself has grown.

And as I mark the end to my first twenty years,

I know now that life goes on

And there are chapters after Gursslin.

Peace for me; it does exist.

I can have happiness, and contentment once again,

No matter how fleeting,

It is there.

I hope you are well.

I send kisses on the beams of white light.

You’re welcome to enter my life again,

I’ll welcome you with open arms,

But leave the walls and veil,

At our history’s door.

I do not know what lies in store,

I just want you to know—

I’m doing alright on my own.

Look to the sky, when night falls

Think of me, the warmth of my hand

The friendship that shall always exist.

You are not alone, out there in the world,

I still care, you’ve got someone on your side.

Romantic entanglement—maybe it’s not for us,

Just follow your heart,

Let your spirit whisper—

Don’t tell it to hush like you used to.

True love happens when lightning strikes.

Artist

Artist.

The tortured one.

He lives in ink.

Belongs to none.

Never able to make up his mind.

Broke me,

My soul.

Made me stop believing.

The heart tries to go on,

While he haunts all memory.

Take your needle and your dye

It’s the only world

Where the true you lies.

How Did I Disappoint You This Time?

***Wrote this in Dec/Jan of 2011/2012***

So how did I disappoint you this time?

You still don’t approve of my writing,

You don’t understand the words I write on the page.

I write about love and you think that I’ve gone and done something wrong.

I write a song, and you don’t like the story line broken up with the chorus—

I write a poem about the death of my cousin,

And you say that it’s ripped raw and real, but you worry that I will try to kill myself

Because of the line about suicide and Russian roulette;

How could you think that? I know that I’ve almost died,

I’ve almost tried to commit the suicide, but heaven was there

I have angels among friends, and I’M STILL HERE!

Don’t you trust me?

How did I disappoint you this time?

You still want me to be a teacher,

Even though you don’t seem to get that teachers are not the same

As they once were.  If they do what a teacher should,

You know, be the stand-in parent for when a student is in school,

Care about the children and guide them—

If they do this, they get their authority overrun,

They get turned out and shot by the administrative gun.

Instead, teachers who want to keep their jobs,

Have to harden their hearts and pile on the work,

Not teaching a damn thing.

I don’t want that, can’t you see?

You know I wear my heart on my arm so much that tears bleed from worn out eyes

And when I try to harden my heart, even just to deal with you,

It hurts and I want to puke—

If I was a teacher, I would be thin and an ulcer would kill me;

Don’t you want me to have a good career that I can enjoy and that won’t kill me with ulcers?

Can’t you see that I am caring still, even with the shit that I’ve been put through?

How did I disappoint you this time?

I know you miss that little girl, the ten year old from ten years ago—

You want me to go back in time and freeze me there,

But I can’t go back.

I know I’ve changed, but that comes with age;

Year after year, almost three out of nine, you were gone and I was left looking for answers.

I can’t blame you, our country needed you, another soldier driving in the line of fire;

But how can you continue to blame me,

Your youngest daughter, for not trusting men and keeping you at arms length—

How can I believe that any man that comes into my life won’t jut leave me and I’ll be alone?

Daddy issues as the therapist would say, yeah, I know,

I’ve got daddy issues but I deal with it on my own.

Don’t you think that inside I’m young at heart?

How could I love so much in this world if I wasn’t?

How did I disappoint you this time?

I still love you, can’t you love me?

You tell me you’re proud of me,

Then why do I fear what you would think

If you knew the real girl in this skin—

One tattoo, two tattoo

Overweight but healthy

Short and strong-willed

Crooked tooth, unaligned jaw

Writer, creator

Caring, lover

Still your little girl forever, just older and wiser.

I don’t fit in the box that you want me to be in,

Chains don’t work on me, instead I pull on them.

Accept me for who I am, that’s all I really want—

No more fighting, no more anxiety

Just because we’re not the same,

Except for the walls we carry around us.

What If?

I lay awake

In my bed

For endless nights, on end.

Thinking about the past

I can’t stand it,

The non-stop rants that play in my head.

I want to rip my hair out,

Since I can’t hurt you.

Instead I was the one with the pain,

And you only had pretend guilt.

I had fallen apart,

My friends and family watched

As I wasted away,

Because my heart was splattered on the pavement.

How could you leave me,

With nothing but arguing

And a “Fuck-you-goodbye!”

It was something that made me wish I were Anna

So I could jump in front of a train.

I had all my dreams wrapped up in you

Like pennies in a jar,

Adding to it with each detail

Of the happiness that you made my heart sing.

Cruel was life

To make me believe in soul mates and fate

And that two people were meant to be.

Yeah, sure, I can still believe in it for friends and family,

But happy endings are not for me

It seems.

You came back

About a month and a half since the mess

Sending me a massive text.

You said how you were sure

That I would never want to hear from you

And that you would never be able

To atone for every mistake you ever made toward me.

After all, you missed me.

You still cared for me.

Didn’t want to lose me,

Even though we couldn’t speak of our feelings.

You even went as far to say

That you had no excuse for what you did,

But then the rest of the message was just that—

An excuse.

Then we tried talking

But there were so many walls

Between us—

More than when we first met,

That it felt stilted and stiff,

As if I were speaking to a robot or mannequin.

We barely talked about our new lives,

Feelings and relationships of any kind

Were off limits,

As if I were some kid that tried crossing the line

In a museum of ancient artifacts.

One night, you texted in the early AM,

Like you used to do so often,

When we’d have our long talks

And be open.

One text, two text

Hope leaps in.

Something I swore

To forget even existed.

You wanted me to come

And stay the night that weekend.

I said I would try,

While inside I was excited and scared.

When I finally gave an answer

That equated to “I can’t,”

I tried to find a solution,

Have you over for a movie instead.

But you replied that you met someone new—

It was a well aimed poisoned dart.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I had given one too many chances to you.

You were the stable boy for the princess

That is how the fairy tales should go.

The guy falling for the one that was too good for him

And then letting her go

So she could spread her wings.

Ha! That’s a load of bull,

Because if true love existed,

We wouldn’t part,

You wouldn’t go.

I would’ve given up college,

I would’ve said goodbye to wanting to leave our state

To remain in our crummy town,

That we both hate.

I would’ve done it for you,

You were my true dream,

The clichéd heaven-on-earth.

I wanted what was best for you,

The rare few that cared, trusted, and believed in you.

I saw a future for you

When you were dismal and bleak,

Now that has turned into mine

When others ask what is in store for me

When it comes to the matter

Of love.

Of course I still dream.

I still have goals.

I will get my degree

And move out on my own.

I will find a way,

To make myself free—

But unfortunately

My heart is closed,

Because someone still holds the key.

That would be you,

Granted I hate to admit it.

I close my eyes

And you haunt me

Like drugs to an addict.

I want to wrench myself out

Of whatever we’re in,

And yet I cannot,

Because I’m left with

What if?

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel

As if everything, inside of me, is breaking.

How can I hold on,

Without a hand to cling to,

The one who was my shelter

Is still so far gone.

Sometimes I think back

To who I was back then and now,

How can I go back

Without the love to greet me,

When all lights go out

And I’m still alone.

Sometimes I want to

Reverse time and revert back

Have all the memories rewind and

Let me return to

When I was cared for and

I believed you’d never leave.

Sometimes I wonder

Will the old me resurface

But then I know the truth

It won’t happen because of you.

So I guess I’ll go on

And just dream of you.

What it Wants

You’re not mine,

I can’t state a claim.

If someone wants you

I’ll have to sit on the sidelines.

Chorus:

Here’s the truth of the tale,

The heart wants what it wants,

Emotions and attractions

Open my eyes.

I like it when you come to me,

Your touch makes me feel alive—

You send an electric current

And I give in.

Chorus

I won’t make you choose

It’s not right to say it’s me or the other,

I just ask that there’s honesty,

Embrace what you’re given.

Chorus

Take what you want,

I’ll keep your secrets.

Release Me

You came riding in, on a chariot.

Your own special horse-drawn-carriage.

There was a crown, upon your brow,

Made me think you were my Prince Charmin’.

Chorus:

But now, I’m asking you

To release me.

You trampled my heart

Upon the ground.

So, I’m through with you,

Want to move on

And be over you.

Release me.

The only thing true about fairy tales,

Is that there are dragons

But I can fight them,

I don’t need a man to come and save me.

Chorus

I’ve no need for you,

I’m not plain, I am extraordinary.

My mama taught me to rely on myself.

You can go be the prince for someone else.

Release me.

You trampled my heart,

And I want to be through with you.

So release me.

Won't Go Back

Last year, I probably would’ve said yes.

Take you back even if it couldn’t work.

Deal out multiple second chances.

So I could always hold onto you.

Chorus:

But now, you wouldn’t know me

I’m no longer the same

And I’m not going back to who I was,

And even though a piece of me

Still loves you like an everlasting flame,

I won’t go back, no I ain’t going back.

Press rewind and take in all the memories,

Nostalgia’s a bitch, don’t I know it.

Hear people talking about hurt and pain,

And all of them think staying and returning is going to be worth it.

Chorus

Don’t come crawling to me,

I won’t care if you bring me flowers, begging on your knees.

You may think my heart’s grown cold,

Truth is, I just did what I had to, became stronger.

Chorus

I won’t go back to me and you.

Not Gonna

I don’t hear you.

I don’t see you.

And then there you are;

I’m not gonna hide.

Coming in, you want to fix things,

But there’s not much that you can do,

After you smashed my heart like broken glass.

Chorus:

There’s no fixing to what you broke before.

There’s no changing back after all this hurt.

I’m not the one that made you my world.

I can’t let you in, I’m done giving chances.

Some of my friends,

All agree, you’ve downgraded.

What does the other have to offer

When I gave you everything?

People have it in their heads,

That I’m gonna take you back,

But I’m smarter than that.

Chorus

Chorus