Bruised Knees

I am on my knees

Not because of glory

Reach out your hand,

Help me up.

I’ve been broken but am determined to rise.

            I may not have been bled with red,

But tears have spilled on my face and smeared across

My love's chest as he's held me shaking

            And each porcelain piece of me

Spider-cracked

            And

He

            Just

Gripped me in his arms tighter to act as the glue

That allows me to go further...

The one you blessed me with even though

Soap opera, midnight drama

            Has multiplied by ten-fold in my life

Since you placed him in my life to finally be recognized

And to un-melt my heart and fill past-pains,

            Assist me in re-finding myself,

Allowing me to love again.

You have given him,

But I've been knocked down so many times,

            And only just gotten up,

A little harder each blending chapter--

That I for once, to the best of my memory,

            Have doubted and questioned You;

My faith. The road ahead.

Roads have been dark,

            But Heaven

I have often wondered if the stars,

            They still move.

I'm Invincible

You say that I'm invincible

And my heart makes a sort of squeak

            In gratitude.

How'd I find a love who not only adores

            Every flaw, quirk, weird imperfection

And thinks so highly of me?

You say someone's got to,

Since I don't seem to myself.

I appreciate that the stars found me

Someone who's been through darkness

But breaks the clouds in mine.

I've pushed forward with obstinacy,

            Pride--

However, you pull me forward with

            Embracing moon shine.

A life raft on the tides;

You bring goodness that I don't give myself.

You say that I'm invincible,

When I feel the pull of my skin by my eyes,

The heaviness of headaches from too much stress,

            Overloads of anxiety kept bound

By tension in my muscles, tendons

Turning my small and fragile warrior's body

            Hard in knots.

I cringe at touch from aching joints that

            Are too stubborn to move with ease

And nerves extra sensitive to pressure.

By my emotions worn, my mind overworked

            With thoughts and mental processes.

I see everything that I have to fight through each day

            When I wake, that so many don't acknowledge

That I try to keep on the D and L as it all breaks me down.

You asked me just the other day

As to why I say

            That I am incredibly blessed to have you--

Well, you say that I'm invincible,

Even with my obstacles large and small.

You remind me of who I am,

That I don't have a quitter's soul,

And when I twitch to raise my hand in surrender,

You tell me you love me and whisper in my ear,

Just to remind me: I'm invincible.

Slow Motion

The brake peddle slowly meets the floor

As I reach in the center to change gears from drive

            To park.

I'm anxious and my nerves are buzzing.

I want to just slam and throw,

But take the extra seconds

To slow down--

I breathe with the forced gravity

I send to my bones.

Twenty seconds, that's the only time I steal for myself alone

Before I focus on not running, falling--

Not before I meet comfort in your arms,

I must be in the moment.

Too many times, emotions override or detachment

            Takes my place--

Not tonight though.

I refuse to let it.

The last time I got to be near you--

Be near you for more than hands held,

Grasped tight,

A fleeting hour,

Wish glass would break--

I'd lost my strength.

My self.

Clouds drew in, charcoal and grey.

My silver lining and moon were driven away,

Silent and unlit blues and reds

Disappeared in the distance as I stood.

Stood as if life ebbed away with each tear

Breeching the barricades of mascara-ed lashes

And staining my porcelain cheeks

            Ready to crack.

That day has haunted and provided sleepless nights.

Restless nights.

Nights of longing,

            Terror,

                        Sadness,

            Tossing-turning,

                        And ache-filled

            Dreams when my body could do nothing

But shut down from pushing--

The strides I took to fill all the minutes

            Between that goodbye moment

And the next kiss.

Every kiss.

Embrace.

Felt my soul wearing away, for I'd for the balance.

            The yin to my yang.

I was alive but not living.

Just praying.

            Hating. Damning.

                        Loving.

I'd have knelt in your favorite green summer dress,

On bare jagged stones until my knees bruised

            If it brought you home.

Now as I fight the tears of joy that wish to fill my eyes

Since the moment you called, surprising me with the news I'd hoped for--

And all the seconds I've bounced on my toes

Counting down time until I could arrive to this now:

I look down as I speed-walk,

Knowing that with my luck that my shoes

Will slide off or send me head-long

On the sidewalk if I most too quick--

I think for a second that I should have bought

            The other shoes we'd looked at just weeks before.

A small segment of me self-conscious--

            Knowing you'll point out that these black clogs

I've already scuffed,

Don't match my chocolate brown dress pants and silky flowered-blue top--

But I can't find it in me to care as my feet carry me closer

Jacket unzipped and wide-open, hair in disarray,

            To the store where with my friends

I'm told that you await.

I hesitate half a breath before the glass door with the open sign beckoning

And see you in the middles of everyone else

            Though I love them, they're blurred in the edges.

I burst through a lose all breath

            Because the bad has faded the moment I see you

In your black-grey striped sweatshirt and ruffled clean clothes--

My home is free....

And our group jumps to the side

As I nearly tackle you with my arms thrown wide around your nexk

No worries of falling,

Because as always

            You catch me and keep me standing.

Heart.

            Break.

                        Breath.

                                    Catch.

With a kiss I never want to end,

You set me down,

And I'm okay with facing the world.

Clouds

Am I perhaps the sun-setting skies?

The ones with puffs of clouds, pink and purple hues shading into grays?

Softness and pain all rolling ahead, surrounding our hearts

Our minds filled with fogs, knowing we wish and we need,

To get through the dark because on the other side

There is nothing but freedom and no more lines,

Because all the boundaries lay here on earth.

Not in the heavens where our souls long to twine

Our feelings the different stars reaching--reaching out to touch,

Not just physically, but the way we were

Intimate with something more

The way we have an inkling that we're supposed to be someday,

But instead all that we have are walls,

Because we fear.

Neither of us wants to lose.

Neither of us can lose,

Because we don't want there to be an ending between our two hearts,

Unless it's where one stops beating

And the other stops breathing.

Secret

I stuck the match and issued the flame.

My favorite scent filled the air and flew to my mind,

Calming the chemicals unbalanced in a dance, a maze.

I ran the slender steel through the fire,

The metal smoking in a fine haze,

Watching the wax pool and the black leaving the gold and grey.

Hold it between my two fingers, as if poised to be thread.

Take a sigh, hold a breath, and hold it to porcelain flesh.

Physical pain that makes one clench and exhale,

But controlled, so no regrets.

It's easier than that inside, no tears fall from my eyes--

Unlike the world inside my head.

Unlike my heart.

Some Things Are Hard To Say

People in a small town

They like to laugh,

About good hearted things,

Stupid things,

And things that crack people’s hearts.

Not all things should be used

As a joke

            As a pun.

Some talk about what has happened to them.

Some have worked to see justice done.

Others remain silent, to avoid the

            Spotlight.

Communities, especially those in a small town,

Or close-knit social groups,

They tend to have a knack

For pointing the beam

            The finger

Ready to hurt people more

Whether or not they mean to,

Because words find blame.

            Words are blame.

Whether or not

A person has chosen

To speak, it does not mean

That there’s not something wrong;

            That there’s not a pain

Fighting and drowning.

Perhaps they’re scared.

Perhaps they don’t feel safe.

Perhaps they’re still working up the strength.

Perhaps they don’t want

            To be made as a victim.

Perhaps they’re just trying to hold on

            Maintain who they are

Allow you to keep the façade.

But even as a community of two

            Or two million—

It is the duty of others to respect.

What happened to true respect?

People need to feel like they won’t be judged,

Like there is a haven,

Otherwise, they may just be struggling

            Locked in the inside,

Waiting with time.

For A Fleeting Moment

***Wrote this back in the Fall of 2012, just finished editing it***

For a fleeting moment

I wonder if I should care.

You came back in, beautiful words spilling from your fingertips.

The email was entitled,

            “Everything I Need to Say.”

I remember my heart slamming into my chest from the shock.

            Worse than each time, I saw that you had viewed my page.

What is there to say? It’s been a couple of months,

            Since you first found me, to speak, apologize—

But you never left the key.

You’re still the one with it, the one to my heart.

            No key for me

            Yet I am free….

For now it seems.

I am not vindictive, not the sort to want you to know what it’s like

To break…millions of little pieces of you floating around

As you scramble and fight to put yourself back together—

            But you won’t ever be the same.

Atoms rearrange.

There’s no returning to who, to what

The person you were in the past.

That’s me.

I broke and ran from who I was.

It took a few months; I built walls like you had preached of.

I drank to be drunk.

I smoked to shut off my brain.

I gave my body so I could feel, but not love.

God was with me, just waited for me to be somewhat sane

So I could face the hurt and pain—

            The fact of that matter was that I just couldn’t handle my big heart being squeezed.

I may be a sponge for information, for beauty

But my heart is no play thing.

I’m strong, always have been,

            Always will be.

My heart though, you left….

You made the center of my being, weak.

You have forever been my kryptonite.

My soul just had to be ready to once again stand.

That is when I completely forgave, free floated,

Connected.

Thought of lightning.

Dropped the chains, the what ifs, the could-have-beens.

Funny how you contact me

Not even four weeks after I finished my poem

Where I erased my pride, and was beginning again.

What If?

I lay awake

In my bed

For endless nights, on end.

Thinking about the past

I can’t stand it,

The non-stop rants that play in my head.

I want to rip my hair out,

Since I can’t hurt you.

Instead I was the one with the pain,

And you only had pretend guilt.

I had fallen apart,

My friends and family watched

As I wasted away,

Because my heart was splattered on the pavement.

How could you leave me,

With nothing but arguing

And a “Fuck-you-goodbye!”

It was something that made me wish I were Anna

So I could jump in front of a train.

I had all my dreams wrapped up in you

Like pennies in a jar,

Adding to it with each detail

Of the happiness that you made my heart sing.

Cruel was life

To make me believe in soul mates and fate

And that two people were meant to be.

Yeah, sure, I can still believe in it for friends and family,

But happy endings are not for me

It seems.

You came back

About a month and a half since the mess

Sending me a massive text.

You said how you were sure

That I would never want to hear from you

And that you would never be able

To atone for every mistake you ever made toward me.

After all, you missed me.

You still cared for me.

Didn’t want to lose me,

Even though we couldn’t speak of our feelings.

You even went as far to say

That you had no excuse for what you did,

But then the rest of the message was just that—

An excuse.

Then we tried talking

But there were so many walls

Between us—

More than when we first met,

That it felt stilted and stiff,

As if I were speaking to a robot or mannequin.

We barely talked about our new lives,

Feelings and relationships of any kind

Were off limits,

As if I were some kid that tried crossing the line

In a museum of ancient artifacts.

One night, you texted in the early AM,

Like you used to do so often,

When we’d have our long talks

And be open.

One text, two text

Hope leaps in.

Something I swore

To forget even existed.

You wanted me to come

And stay the night that weekend.

I said I would try,

While inside I was excited and scared.

When I finally gave an answer

That equated to “I can’t,”

I tried to find a solution,

Have you over for a movie instead.

But you replied that you met someone new—

It was a well aimed poisoned dart.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I had given one too many chances to you.

You were the stable boy for the princess

That is how the fairy tales should go.

The guy falling for the one that was too good for him

And then letting her go

So she could spread her wings.

Ha! That’s a load of bull,

Because if true love existed,

We wouldn’t part,

You wouldn’t go.

I would’ve given up college,

I would’ve said goodbye to wanting to leave our state

To remain in our crummy town,

That we both hate.

I would’ve done it for you,

You were my true dream,

The clichéd heaven-on-earth.

I wanted what was best for you,

The rare few that cared, trusted, and believed in you.

I saw a future for you

When you were dismal and bleak,

Now that has turned into mine

When others ask what is in store for me

When it comes to the matter

Of love.

Of course I still dream.

I still have goals.

I will get my degree

And move out on my own.

I will find a way,

To make myself free—

But unfortunately

My heart is closed,

Because someone still holds the key.

That would be you,

Granted I hate to admit it.

I close my eyes

And you haunt me

Like drugs to an addict.

I want to wrench myself out

Of whatever we’re in,

And yet I cannot,

Because I’m left with

What if?

Not Gonna Heal This

I want to be your shooting star;
But I've finally come to terms--
To the realization,
That it's a fruitless wish.

I just get to be my own star,
Another nomad in this busy world.
Dreams are something written in the sand,
Wishes another penny in the well with my eyes closed.
But I wouldn't be me,
If I didn't keep on loving anyway.

Chorus:

Kisses aren’t gonna heal this.

Sweets aren’t gonna dull it or make it go away.

Only love can heal this pain,

But I’m not sure who’s love it will take.

Sometimes I cry,

Because I hate myself—

You know what it feels like,

The world swallows you whole.

Open up, I try

But in the end there’s always

A river that’s flowing—

Whether it be on the surface

Or buried deep for no one to see, but me.

Chorus

Kisses aren’t gonna heal this.

I’m not sure who’s love it will take.