A Brief Explanation

Twenty-five was a hard year.

I lost much of myself.

I lost control, parts of my mind, body, sanity, sanctuaries.

I had so much evil come knocking at my doors,

Physically and internally.

It was the biggest burning of myself I have ever endured.

My husband and few remained by me,

Some others finally opened their eyes to truths,

While others chose to close them more and turn me into a fictional character.

Twenty-five created roles I didn't want to play.

But I did find some parts I need for my journey in my life along the way,

As well as discarded an enormous amount with my love by my side.

I hate that I lost one of the biggest parts of me,

The part that has been a source of comfort since I could first read, first hold a pen--my words.

They escaped me, but I am working all the time to regain them. To regain me.

To, as always, rebuild from the ash.

Home is Where the Love Is

You chuckle, you don't understand it

            But it makes you smile anyway--

You know it says the most in the those few words.

Coming from me, it's almost bigger than the simple "I love you,"

Even though you have to explain to your father

            Who loves me as a daughter,

That while I may say that to many,

            It's actually not an easy line for me to say.

To you, I will continue to say "I love you"

But this, this I know from your smile alone

            Is the best way that I say it.

It's for you, and you alone.

I inhale deeply and the scent of you helps calm me.

It's why you unlike all others can get me down from a spiral within

Hours, with just your arms around me,

            Your presence near me.

Your warmth floods my lungs,

A repetitive arrow rightly sent

            Through my heart.

Just A Clip

I'm laughed at for my tripling, my quadrupling,

I have to recheck myself because it's called major anxiety.

I've screwed up too much from depressive and hypomanic storms

And blacked out memories that I can't allow,

Can't handle, or give up the need to perfect;

Too much has been ripped from my control these last few years--

And in these last nine months or so,

            My mental has felt so topsy-turvy,

                        Side-screwy.

How would you like hallucinations jumping in,

            Seemingly ordinary

That you're rocked off finding out

            Reality isn't

Is not

Yours anymore?

Accidental gas potions brewing like cauldrons,

            Threatening to kill your lungs,

Or flames licking your kitchen ceiling

            Slick with perfumed oil--

All of these are your mistakes

            And none of these registers until it's almost too late?

You laugh at me for my counting.

            My pacing.

                        My hand-wringing.

                                    My fast-talking.

You see these traces,

            My different faces.

But you've never seen me fully relaxed.

You don't get that I'm not making myself paranoid,

            I live with paranoid.

One error, I fail.

One error, you move on--brush off.

            It can eat me for days.

Even if everyone says things will be okay,

Unless I have a one hundred percent

            I cannot give you the guarantee

That I'm not going to recycle:

            One...

                        Two--

            Three,

Repeat. Maybe?

Disappearing

I feel like I'm drowning on sand.

I'm weighted down, can't breathe it seems.

I don't quite understand how I spring leaks,

When I feel as if I'm mummifying,

            Muscles calcifying.

Brain seems to obtain more holes,

            Caverns and tunnels I hardly know where they go--

Except further down into the dark,

Down through the tree trump I spiral out,

My how the lights all seem to go out,

            All over dear broken Wonderland.

I wake in the night to my cats' paws

            Stabbing my ribs and breasts

                        As if my familiar is stabbing

            Deep holes,

                        Jabbing quick and hard,

            As if wooden stakes are missing

Their marks.

I dark not drink, as if my subconscious

Is trying to hold off the inevitable fact that I'll become cement;

I already crack with each thwack my life brings.

Mind and body.

Body, mind.

Soul?

I fear she may have flown.

            Wake me, this stasis has me gagging, gasping.

Can we just halt the clock a minute,

The second-hand stutter in my palm

            As I search for the answers?

Back through to the other side of the mirror where a hint of me awaits?

I know she's sitting there,

A smirk waiting hidden in the corner

            Of her lips.

Shakespearean Mirror

It's funny how a man that swears to have loved me,

From the teenage years, until before I said I do

            To the right one for me

                        And wasn't you,

Could go hours and get rides for shades of me,

But only once for me did he--

After Helena and Hermia

            Before Ophelia,

The distraught and dark Hamlet who was more or less

A whiney, present day Mecrucio,

Have our backs until it no longer favored you.

            So in goodbye by making it clear

That I was better as a lighthouse for you

Who was only useful anymore as a silent painted portrait--

Rose red with thine petals at my feet,

            The I love you, love you not wishes which

Smolder to sharp thorns in my hands.

I'd rather the flowers I wear upon my crown.

Everything was your terms, and you grew scared when

As I realized other men in my life cared more than just words,

And would drive an hour no matter the weather

            Or pomp and circumstance,

To spend just an evening or afternoon.

No agenda. No intention to woo.

They didn't care I'd given my heart to my correct Romeo,

            Without pushing me to be their Juliet.

You act as if I am the one that did you wrong,

But after nails hammered in coffins and then

            Pried loose once more,

The assessment is more damage done to my heart,

            The one which is more whole

Due to true love's first kiss.

            The phantom of you will always be there,

A ghostly sonnet in caverns of old,

While real friends tend to flower beds by the lapping shore

Or throw pebbles of life to make the water

            Ripple with the growing wisdoms of time--

And my beloved watches over

            As the sun to warm my days

And the moon

            To illuminate

                        My darkest nights.

New World

I have come to a conclusion:

I am not the black sheep

            As I always had come to believe;

I am of the New World, New Order

            While they are of the old.

That is why similarities and cores are the same,

But I never fit. Like a circle

            Trying to be contained in too small

Of a box. They often kept me deflated

And when I attempted to breathe--

            Expand,

I would be pushed back down.

Now I am free and

            They try to catch

And contain me as I've spun

Off the designated axis,

            To revolve around a sun

Of my own design.

Bruised Knees

I am on my knees

Not because of glory

Reach out your hand,

Help me up.

I’ve been broken but am determined to rise.

            I may not have been bled with red,

But tears have spilled on my face and smeared across

My love's chest as he's held me shaking

            And each porcelain piece of me

Spider-cracked

            And

He

            Just

Gripped me in his arms tighter to act as the glue

That allows me to go further...

The one you blessed me with even though

Soap opera, midnight drama

            Has multiplied by ten-fold in my life

Since you placed him in my life to finally be recognized

And to un-melt my heart and fill past-pains,

            Assist me in re-finding myself,

Allowing me to love again.

You have given him,

But I've been knocked down so many times,

            And only just gotten up,

A little harder each blending chapter--

That I for once, to the best of my memory,

            Have doubted and questioned You;

My faith. The road ahead.

Roads have been dark,

            But Heaven

I have often wondered if the stars,

            They still move.

Tenths

Nine-tenths of the law.

            That is the joke and the truth of the day.

We're afraid of what could have been left by liars

            In our humble hole

In duffle bags and tassel purses--

What was of who we thought were friends and

Allies we would rather be on the right side of but

            Who twisted truth to their benefit in order for our safety net,

Our hospitality.

They took advantage like everyone except for one-tenth

Of "friends" in our circles that grow and shrink,

            Grow and shrink until

We are nothing but really just the two of us.

Best friends and partners,

            True ride or die always on each other's sides

Because we're all that we can rely and dig us out:

Of bad situations and crises;

            Provide laughter and light for each depressive spiral,

                        Always love and give budding strength when the other bends.

They laughed at us when we called and asked, "What do we do?"

But they understand that we declined calls from those

            We had believed and given shelter, food,

            And gave up our privacy because we chose kindness instead of hatred.

I hate that. We try and strive and to do as God's word,

Do unto others and go with the good--

Then the government and the county,

            Or the people we chance,

Chase us back to our quiet apartment tucked in the grove,

Trusting less and more cut-off.

Two plants that chose to be planted together and

Now are forced to reside, grow, entwined in a tiny pot.

If two are to become one, then I guess by something-tenths

            We're bound by more than just future precious-metal knots.

                        

Slow Motion

The brake peddle slowly meets the floor

As I reach in the center to change gears from drive

            To park.

I'm anxious and my nerves are buzzing.

I want to just slam and throw,

But take the extra seconds

To slow down--

I breathe with the forced gravity

I send to my bones.

Twenty seconds, that's the only time I steal for myself alone

Before I focus on not running, falling--

Not before I meet comfort in your arms,

I must be in the moment.

Too many times, emotions override or detachment

            Takes my place--

Not tonight though.

I refuse to let it.

The last time I got to be near you--

Be near you for more than hands held,

Grasped tight,

A fleeting hour,

Wish glass would break--

I'd lost my strength.

My self.

Clouds drew in, charcoal and grey.

My silver lining and moon were driven away,

Silent and unlit blues and reds

Disappeared in the distance as I stood.

Stood as if life ebbed away with each tear

Breeching the barricades of mascara-ed lashes

And staining my porcelain cheeks

            Ready to crack.

That day has haunted and provided sleepless nights.

Restless nights.

Nights of longing,

            Terror,

                        Sadness,

            Tossing-turning,

                        And ache-filled

            Dreams when my body could do nothing

But shut down from pushing--

The strides I took to fill all the minutes

            Between that goodbye moment

And the next kiss.

Every kiss.

Embrace.

Felt my soul wearing away, for I'd for the balance.

            The yin to my yang.

I was alive but not living.

Just praying.

            Hating. Damning.

                        Loving.

I'd have knelt in your favorite green summer dress,

On bare jagged stones until my knees bruised

            If it brought you home.

Now as I fight the tears of joy that wish to fill my eyes

Since the moment you called, surprising me with the news I'd hoped for--

And all the seconds I've bounced on my toes

Counting down time until I could arrive to this now:

I look down as I speed-walk,

Knowing that with my luck that my shoes

Will slide off or send me head-long

On the sidewalk if I most too quick--

I think for a second that I should have bought

            The other shoes we'd looked at just weeks before.

A small segment of me self-conscious--

            Knowing you'll point out that these black clogs

I've already scuffed,

Don't match my chocolate brown dress pants and silky flowered-blue top--

But I can't find it in me to care as my feet carry me closer

Jacket unzipped and wide-open, hair in disarray,

            To the store where with my friends

I'm told that you await.

I hesitate half a breath before the glass door with the open sign beckoning

And see you in the middles of everyone else

            Though I love them, they're blurred in the edges.

I burst through a lose all breath

            Because the bad has faded the moment I see you

In your black-grey striped sweatshirt and ruffled clean clothes--

My home is free....

And our group jumps to the side

As I nearly tackle you with my arms thrown wide around your nexk

No worries of falling,

Because as always

            You catch me and keep me standing.

Heart.

            Break.

                        Breath.

                                    Catch.

With a kiss I never want to end,

You set me down,

And I'm okay with facing the world.

To Those You'd Stand By, What They Don't Realize

Ever stop to think: I love too much,

Too much of my heart is out there

Each person another piece

And I'm burning myself down--

Burning my heart out in order for each of them

To have some peace?

It's like an eternal flame,

Love. And it isn't just the kind in romance novels--

Crossed-stars. You don't need those kind of things

To give birth to broken hearts.

No, all you have to do is spread yourself thin

Throw your whole-self into the world that you've created.

Friends, the extended family that you'd die for without a blood connection.

It's funny in a way, at least for me.

I don't ask for much, I'm like a giving-tree.

I flower and bloom, spread my branches across

To touch the souls of each person I hold dear and would

And will, stand through every storm with--for;

I'm that person who every one uses as their pillar

And offer to do the same, but never give in...

Well, hardly--rarely, give in,

Because my soul aches each time that I throw myself on a line,

And something happens which I can't control.

You can't control the ones you love

Nor the things that happen to them, to you.

It's hard. Loving others and yet even though they say that they love you,

There is, matter of fact, a sea of souls who love you,

But in the end you don't believe that any of them would do if the chance were given

A fraction of what you would or have done.

Jaded.

Can trust them with your life,

Trust them to try to hold to their words,

Trust them to fight for you or by your side--

But...can't trust them with your heart.

Can't trust that they won't walk out.

Because even with all this love, you--no, me--

Am scared because those are the ones you'd bare it all

Open yourself up and let them see the weaknesses and the strengths,

But you mostly try to only show the good and not let on

That loving them hurts. And you can't change that.

You would rather be strong or make them laugh

Than show that you want more, need more

Are worried that you give more than they

And take less...no, I don't mean just materially.

Material, that's the least of what you think about,

It's not an emotion. It's what's left when you take all that away--

Who you are.

Do they love you enough to stay, when everything

Every fraction of you is stripped down to the raw.

I'm rambling on, I suppose you could say--

But that's what I do when my feelings are involved

And I feel so spread, that if a bird were to fly into the window of my soul--

It'd crack.

At Least for a While

Mama, I've got a feeling

That blue skies are ahead,

That they're coming for us.

I think we've got to keep hoping--

I know it's hard to believe.

Chorus 1:

We've been hurt and downtrodden,

Had out hearts broken, in way too many ways.

We're at the bottom of the rocks

And we're scrambling to climb up.

I know that we both want, these tears to stop falling.

Chorus 2:

So here I am, crossing my fingers

Praying for this pain to the end,

If not for long, at least for a while

We need a little clean air to breathe,

Instead of all this suffocating negativity that seems to cling.

Mama, we've just got to hold on

The grass is going to grow

And flowers have got to bloom

I think we're going to be all right--

No one's ever had friends like you and I.

Chorus 1

Chorus 2

We've been hurt and downtrodden

We're at the bottom of the rocks,

We're scrambling to climb up.

And we're going to make it,

I know in my heart we're going to make it.

I've got to believe it,

At least for a while.

I Want You to Know

I want you to know

I have no regrets

No regrets for ever loving you

I gave you my heart

And you held my soul

You were my true, true one

And a piece of me

Will never let you go

But I've finally realized

That while you will always be a part of me

Of my life...

It's time to never look back

At least not for me

I'll support you, hell, I'll raise a glass

For anything that will make you smile

You aren't mine though

You were never going to let that happen

And I'm happier without having you in my veins anymore

We're part of a messed up extended family

Hearts to hearts

And yet, I'm good

And damn I feel good not dwelling on my love for you

The pain and the sadness

The hurt and disappointment

I've shed it like skin

And risen

Whatever happens, come what may

I'm excited, because I can't see it

And I wouldn't be here

Wouldn't be who I am today

If I had never loved you

The way we loved.

Want to Try

I fall into pieces

And I keep hoping

That you'll look my way.

I stumble, this isn't what I'm used to--

I loved for so long, hid away.

I crash and I bury

I cry but I can't let it be seen.

It's time for me to open now that it's all closed, behind me.

Rearrange, these atoms that form my skin

At night when I close my eyes,

It's all darkness with blasts of light.

I want to try you out,

See if we're a fit and I just want to try,

This isn't me but I like you too much to not try.

I've been on this wheel called life for too long

Been carrying my burdens, sharing them with no one.

I want to be loved, not just the lover--

I want to see the world, see it in your eyes

I've fallen in pieces, but for the future I'm willing--

I'm willing to bring all the skies, and wrap them around me tight.

Mon coeur sera toujours

Leave my dreams

The same as you've done in life,

Because it breaks my heart more every time

My eyes flutter open

Before I lock the doors I've built

In these waking hours for these walls,

To shut this...to shut you, out.

Why must my heart still love you in my subconscious?

You're a ghost,

Hidden in my soul.

Even in two languages, or any way I would think to express it

The ache is not conveyed enough,

But for the world, to you, I will never again breathe it.

This remains my morning sighs.

Laisser mes rêves

le même comme tu l'as fait dans la vie,

parce que cela me brise le coeur plus chaque fois

mes yeux flutter ouvrir

avant je verrouiller les portes j'ai construit

en ces heures que je me réveille,

d'arrêter cette...à toi arrêter.

Pourquoi mon coeur aime toujours tu dans mon subconscient?

Tu est un ghost,

caché dans mon âme.

Même dans les deux langues, ou de toute façon j'aurais penser pour exprimer-ce

la douleur n'est pas assez véhiculée,

mais pour le monde, à tu, que je ne serai jamais plus respirer.

Ce reste mon matin soupirs.

Thank You

You said, you wanted me to be myself.

You said, you loved everything about me.

But your actions were knives to it all--

And I was left, struggling with my emotions.

You led me to think that I was going mad,

But you making me cry is what made it all go bad.

Chorus:

I have no regrets,

Those tears will make me stronger.

You mad me learn, what I didn't know yet,

And made me remember--

That I'm not dead.

So thank you, thank you

For showing me I can still open my heart.

Thank you, thank you

For showing me that the ice is gone.

I needed this, no matter how short it was.

I hope you can forgive me someday.

We weren't right for each other,

I had to end it all to save one another.

Chorus

Kisses and wishes,

we were two twenty-somethings,

Needing saving and redeeming from our pasts.

I couldn't handle it,

I was ready but the intensity was too much.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

Chorus

So thank you, thank you

You made me feel my heart beat again

Chorus

First Week

I jumped into this, headlong, fast

Saying to take it slow but the emotions move quick

I've never been the kind of girl to fall with speed

But I've never had a guy make me cry because he loved me.

I want to make things work,

I'm in love for the second time and it somewhat hurts

My world's upside down, spinning like a top

And there's so many times my stomach's already in knots.

I'm scared and yet I'm staying, but there's already stupid fighting

I'm rooting my feet in but I already feel as if I can't do anything right

I'm told not to blame myself, but it's hard when the one

Is telling you that he's going to try hard not to think bad thoughts about you.

There may be bad from the past for both sides,

But at least I'm not letting it make me want to hide.

The worst part is, I feel the happiest I have in ages,

And yet I want to burn my skin because of the pains and sadness, too.

It's already a push and shove, trying to hold on to who I am

I don't want to lose me, my self, and I'm told to stay true to my heart

But my mind is influenced by my emotions and all I feel is as if I'm about to drown

With him as the raft keeping me from submersion.

Forever

You are forever

My favorite devil of the heart.

Telling me stories and

Creeping into my mind.

Go Silent Like Stark Stars

She's going to be silent at some point.

You realize that, right?

You tell her you love her.

Tell her you need her.

Tell her that if there were a chance,

She'd be the weighing factor for your happiness;

That you both could be happy.

Together.

But you tell her that,

Give sweet words.

Memories.

Grab her around the waist when you meet--

Pulling her in, with a slow, gentle grace.

Everything is love.

In your touches.

Your movements.

Each other's sighs.

And then a switch it flipped,

Like on and off,

And she's forced back into your shadows.

She loves you, you know she always will.

She's said it,

But what more,

She's proved it.

You can't keep a woman like that hidden though.

You can't choose other lives without her being pivotal--

Not without her straightening her spine,

Smiling. Loving from inside.

Telling herself that she's fine being friends,

Even though it's the most complicated aspect of her own life,

And always will be.

She's going to find someone else, somehow, some place--

To be the second dawning, to give her a slice of happiness

That she is most deserving.

She will talk, but you may have to pull it out of her.

Where once she wished she could tell you everything,

Share every moment, she will bite her tongue.

You pushed this. You didn't understand that playing games was bad.

She was more worth to you than you could ever find,

And she deserved more than you,

But her heart was only yours.

Now. Now it's time for someone to steal a piece of that big heart.

She doesn't know where.

Doesn't know when.

Doesn't know who.

But she's willing to try.

She's hoping on stars in the sky.

Tattooed Kill

Goddamn.

How it kills.

To see you.

Talk about, post, fall again in love

With another girl.

She isn't me.

It won't last.

When has it ever last?

But I want you happy.

I want nothing but good in your life.

I'll support you through the dark,

Help you find the light.

It kills though.

I can't look,

Because as I watch,

The heart that keeps you tethered--

But always hidden in the sidelines of your world,

I ache because it's like a tiny, slim blade

Is carving sketches of memories

And silence, into the organ in my chest.

Like a tattoo.

Because, I can't stop.

I try to move on, but the love is yours.

Yours alone.

And goddamn,

It kills.

You choose another girl over the one

Who truly loves you

With her soul.

What It's Like

Heavens how I hate it.

Becoming incapacitated of breath,

A sort of fear shutting down all my reflexes.

I try like hell to suck in air through lips that wish to close,

And exhale--but pain, mental becomes physical,

And it pushes my chest.

If I don't turn my hands into fists,

My shaking shows--I feel powerless.

I am a strong woman.

I am a fighter, chin often held high.

I know humility; I am often shocked, surprised--

When people state the force of nature that I am.

When it hits, no matter how I cope,

No matter how hard I hold on--

I don't feel like the phoenix I know myself to be.

I feel weak.

            Don't, don't tell me to calm down.

Don't say I need to get over it.

            That this is a fear that is useless.

            I'm being stupid.

If I could, I would!

Don't you think that I would erase it?

Look at the character at my core--

            Do you really think I enjoy this?

This is not a crutch.

This is a battle I encounter. Often.

A battle I often cannot see coming quickly around life's bends.

Heavens help me, I want to stop the tears that spill.

And to breathe as if I'm flying--

Instead of a bird's cage doors slamming,

When all she wants is to sing.

When all she wants is to be free.