Shakespearean Mirror

It's funny how a man that swears to have loved me,

From the teenage years, until before I said I do

            To the right one for me

                        And wasn't you,

Could go hours and get rides for shades of me,

But only once for me did he--

After Helena and Hermia

            Before Ophelia,

The distraught and dark Hamlet who was more or less

A whiney, present day Mecrucio,

Have our backs until it no longer favored you.

            So in goodbye by making it clear

That I was better as a lighthouse for you

Who was only useful anymore as a silent painted portrait--

Rose red with thine petals at my feet,

            The I love you, love you not wishes which

Smolder to sharp thorns in my hands.

I'd rather the flowers I wear upon my crown.

Everything was your terms, and you grew scared when

As I realized other men in my life cared more than just words,

And would drive an hour no matter the weather

            Or pomp and circumstance,

To spend just an evening or afternoon.

No agenda. No intention to woo.

They didn't care I'd given my heart to my correct Romeo,

            Without pushing me to be their Juliet.

You act as if I am the one that did you wrong,

But after nails hammered in coffins and then

            Pried loose once more,

The assessment is more damage done to my heart,

            The one which is more whole

Due to true love's first kiss.

            The phantom of you will always be there,

A ghostly sonnet in caverns of old,

While real friends tend to flower beds by the lapping shore

Or throw pebbles of life to make the water

            Ripple with the growing wisdoms of time--

And my beloved watches over

            As the sun to warm my days

And the moon

            To illuminate

                        My darkest nights.

Autumnal Goodbye

I stare out the window at the blustery autumn leaves,

Thinking of how this time last year

            Was full of turmoil and stress

Where we digressed and our souls took to wanting

Hibernation in our chests.

            We clung to those we still loved, while I also held tight

To the man I now consider my one.

            You could have won you know,

If you knew how to grow up before

            It was

                        Too late.

Like Peter Pan, the man I used to love

            Is still a boy. I grew up though,

And you weren't ready.

            He was. He is.

Now unlike last year, instead of pulling close

            And standing united,

Just as the red leaves,

            You remain in my veins--

But the faith and strength that was our love, our past,

The friendship tied with one love--

            You fall,

Fall down on cold ground and

You resurrect the queen who finally

            Must give up the knave that held

Her soul,

            Swearing  to keep it safe,

But has bruised and used it

            To where you were so close--

The last straw in this barren month

Where the ripest of apples are born

            And pressed and cooked

Into sweetness renewed; you taught

The queen how to be cold as fae may be,

            And he brought the warm

Fire that thawed his way to the side

            By me to be my king, humbling but raw.

You encased our endurance while creating

            Space for him and the ice walls, yourself.

I shall miss you, but I've changed

            And spread my wings that were

Once shattered; to rise as you stand low.

Towering over me, I no longer recognize

            The boy I gave my all, a stranger in my eyes.

I do not cry as I used to though;

Maybe we had to become close again,

            Tighter than we'd ever been,

So you could see what you'd miss and took for granted,

While I learned the difference between

A thimble and a compass.

I'm as naked as the trees become before my eyes,

But safe as the bark that has grown harder

            And beautiful

In its rough glory.

I'll miss the old you, the us in Neverland.

It's just time for me to grow up

            As you continue with the lost boys,

Skipping lightning across the water

            With all the rocks that eventually sink to the bottom;

Our memories, laughter, kisses, and friendship

Haze over our minds.

I'll love you always as I often told you I will and would,

It's just time that while I had faith and trust,

To leave and move on from the piece of my heart

            That only held pixie dust.

Slow Motion

The brake peddle slowly meets the floor

As I reach in the center to change gears from drive

            To park.

I'm anxious and my nerves are buzzing.

I want to just slam and throw,

But take the extra seconds

To slow down--

I breathe with the forced gravity

I send to my bones.

Twenty seconds, that's the only time I steal for myself alone

Before I focus on not running, falling--

Not before I meet comfort in your arms,

I must be in the moment.

Too many times, emotions override or detachment

            Takes my place--

Not tonight though.

I refuse to let it.

The last time I got to be near you--

Be near you for more than hands held,

Grasped tight,

A fleeting hour,

Wish glass would break--

I'd lost my strength.

My self.

Clouds drew in, charcoal and grey.

My silver lining and moon were driven away,

Silent and unlit blues and reds

Disappeared in the distance as I stood.

Stood as if life ebbed away with each tear

Breeching the barricades of mascara-ed lashes

And staining my porcelain cheeks

            Ready to crack.

That day has haunted and provided sleepless nights.

Restless nights.

Nights of longing,

            Terror,

                        Sadness,

            Tossing-turning,

                        And ache-filled

            Dreams when my body could do nothing

But shut down from pushing--

The strides I took to fill all the minutes

            Between that goodbye moment

And the next kiss.

Every kiss.

Embrace.

Felt my soul wearing away, for I'd for the balance.

            The yin to my yang.

I was alive but not living.

Just praying.

            Hating. Damning.

                        Loving.

I'd have knelt in your favorite green summer dress,

On bare jagged stones until my knees bruised

            If it brought you home.

Now as I fight the tears of joy that wish to fill my eyes

Since the moment you called, surprising me with the news I'd hoped for--

And all the seconds I've bounced on my toes

Counting down time until I could arrive to this now:

I look down as I speed-walk,

Knowing that with my luck that my shoes

Will slide off or send me head-long

On the sidewalk if I most too quick--

I think for a second that I should have bought

            The other shoes we'd looked at just weeks before.

A small segment of me self-conscious--

            Knowing you'll point out that these black clogs

I've already scuffed,

Don't match my chocolate brown dress pants and silky flowered-blue top--

But I can't find it in me to care as my feet carry me closer

Jacket unzipped and wide-open, hair in disarray,

            To the store where with my friends

I'm told that you await.

I hesitate half a breath before the glass door with the open sign beckoning

And see you in the middles of everyone else

            Though I love them, they're blurred in the edges.

I burst through a lose all breath

            Because the bad has faded the moment I see you

In your black-grey striped sweatshirt and ruffled clean clothes--

My home is free....

And our group jumps to the side

As I nearly tackle you with my arms thrown wide around your nexk

No worries of falling,

Because as always

            You catch me and keep me standing.

Heart.

            Break.

                        Breath.

                                    Catch.

With a kiss I never want to end,

You set me down,

And I'm okay with facing the world.

To Those You'd Stand By, What They Don't Realize

Ever stop to think: I love too much,

Too much of my heart is out there

Each person another piece

And I'm burning myself down--

Burning my heart out in order for each of them

To have some peace?

It's like an eternal flame,

Love. And it isn't just the kind in romance novels--

Crossed-stars. You don't need those kind of things

To give birth to broken hearts.

No, all you have to do is spread yourself thin

Throw your whole-self into the world that you've created.

Friends, the extended family that you'd die for without a blood connection.

It's funny in a way, at least for me.

I don't ask for much, I'm like a giving-tree.

I flower and bloom, spread my branches across

To touch the souls of each person I hold dear and would

And will, stand through every storm with--for;

I'm that person who every one uses as their pillar

And offer to do the same, but never give in...

Well, hardly--rarely, give in,

Because my soul aches each time that I throw myself on a line,

And something happens which I can't control.

You can't control the ones you love

Nor the things that happen to them, to you.

It's hard. Loving others and yet even though they say that they love you,

There is, matter of fact, a sea of souls who love you,

But in the end you don't believe that any of them would do if the chance were given

A fraction of what you would or have done.

Jaded.

Can trust them with your life,

Trust them to try to hold to their words,

Trust them to fight for you or by your side--

But...can't trust them with your heart.

Can't trust that they won't walk out.

Because even with all this love, you--no, me--

Am scared because those are the ones you'd bare it all

Open yourself up and let them see the weaknesses and the strengths,

But you mostly try to only show the good and not let on

That loving them hurts. And you can't change that.

You would rather be strong or make them laugh

Than show that you want more, need more

Are worried that you give more than they

And take less...no, I don't mean just materially.

Material, that's the least of what you think about,

It's not an emotion. It's what's left when you take all that away--

Who you are.

Do they love you enough to stay, when everything

Every fraction of you is stripped down to the raw.

I'm rambling on, I suppose you could say--

But that's what I do when my feelings are involved

And I feel so spread, that if a bird were to fly into the window of my soul--

It'd crack.

At Least for a While

Mama, I've got a feeling

That blue skies are ahead,

That they're coming for us.

I think we've got to keep hoping--

I know it's hard to believe.

Chorus 1:

We've been hurt and downtrodden,

Had out hearts broken, in way too many ways.

We're at the bottom of the rocks

And we're scrambling to climb up.

I know that we both want, these tears to stop falling.

Chorus 2:

So here I am, crossing my fingers

Praying for this pain to the end,

If not for long, at least for a while

We need a little clean air to breathe,

Instead of all this suffocating negativity that seems to cling.

Mama, we've just got to hold on

The grass is going to grow

And flowers have got to bloom

I think we're going to be all right--

No one's ever had friends like you and I.

Chorus 1

Chorus 2

We've been hurt and downtrodden

We're at the bottom of the rocks,

We're scrambling to climb up.

And we're going to make it,

I know in my heart we're going to make it.

I've got to believe it,

At least for a while.

Clouds

Am I perhaps the sun-setting skies?

The ones with puffs of clouds, pink and purple hues shading into grays?

Softness and pain all rolling ahead, surrounding our hearts

Our minds filled with fogs, knowing we wish and we need,

To get through the dark because on the other side

There is nothing but freedom and no more lines,

Because all the boundaries lay here on earth.

Not in the heavens where our souls long to twine

Our feelings the different stars reaching--reaching out to touch,

Not just physically, but the way we were

Intimate with something more

The way we have an inkling that we're supposed to be someday,

But instead all that we have are walls,

Because we fear.

Neither of us wants to lose.

Neither of us can lose,

Because we don't want there to be an ending between our two hearts,

Unless it's where one stops beating

And the other stops breathing.

I Want You to Know

I want you to know

I have no regrets

No regrets for ever loving you

I gave you my heart

And you held my soul

You were my true, true one

And a piece of me

Will never let you go

But I've finally realized

That while you will always be a part of me

Of my life...

It's time to never look back

At least not for me

I'll support you, hell, I'll raise a glass

For anything that will make you smile

You aren't mine though

You were never going to let that happen

And I'm happier without having you in my veins anymore

We're part of a messed up extended family

Hearts to hearts

And yet, I'm good

And damn I feel good not dwelling on my love for you

The pain and the sadness

The hurt and disappointment

I've shed it like skin

And risen

Whatever happens, come what may

I'm excited, because I can't see it

And I wouldn't be here

Wouldn't be who I am today

If I had never loved you

The way we loved.

Never Mine

All of these years,

I had the distinct feeling

That each lover of yours

            That filled temporary homes in your heart,

Never knew.

They never knew about me,

Our history--past,

Stolen kisses when we were no one elses'.

They didn't know about our friendship,

The close ties, the way we knew one another,

As we got older.

They knew none of that.

I am sure as well, that aside from those shared or met,

None of your other friends really knew either.

What were you scared of?

Was it a lie that you didn't care about what others thought?

The only conclusion I can claim is that perhaps

Our connection, the love, the camaraderie--

It would ruin your street cred.

Foolish man, we're no longer teenagers.

I was your secret.

You were never mine.

Your Court, This Field

You fell for another fake one, the fizz of it all soon turned to flat.

She played you as a worn out fiddle, when you've always wanted a violin.

Music plays, raps in your head, your heart on a rusted plate.

I'm here for you, your friend, tried and true.

After all this time, I think I've earned my stay--

I've always shown my real colors, everyone knows that what you see

            Is what you get, with layers of color to bloom, to beat.

I've quieted down though, the fight is not mine to hold onto on my own anymore.

If you want more than my hand in friendship, my hugs and my laugh,

You're going to have to see the truth inside, not run and hide.

The feelings are off, I learned the switch once before,

It's hard to pull--but I've done it. It's my corset to survive.

To suck up my pride, conceal it from my heart, my mind, your eyes.

Maybe if I stop. Maybe if I move forward. Push myself, and am just your friend--

You will finally learn. That you don't want the hay in the stack,

But the ruby in the diamond mine.

The Saturday Six Nineteen

1. Saturday, my college friend Liz came out to visit me. She had to drive a long ways, but she wanted to see me and hang out, since we haven’t really had the chance to in over a year. I’m glad we’ve worked on fixing things between us, and her visit was sweet of her to make. She didn’t want me to spend my birthday weekend with just family; thought that I needed to be celebrated, and have the focus on me, without me being the mother-like figure that puts everyone first. Actually, when I slipped into my ways, she had to keep saying that “this weekend is for you.” My youngest nephew couldn’t get enough of her either, they were almost as thick as thieves.  She even brought me a chocolate chip cookie cake from Wegman’s, a balloon (that said Birthday Queen, and that my nephew kept running off with), and peace sign Mardi Gras type necklaces. We went to a going away party first, and then headed off to the local bar where we ended up connecting with one of my very many cousins. It was a good night, and morning. Thank you, my friend, for the visit.
   
   
2. Saturday, after Liz arrived and we had had supper with my family, I dragged her to a bon voyage party for another friend of mine, Laura. I’ve known her now for thirteen years, friends since the fourth grade. We may have grown apart somewhat since we graduated high school, but have remained there for each other and still are friends. She is off to Peru for her second time, this time, for a year. She later texted me while I was at the bar, to tell me that the card I’d written her had made her cry. In a good way. I seem to do that to my friends whenever I do it. I write something real in each card I give, because they deserve to know what’s inside, and they deserve realness. I’m going to miss her while she’s away, even though we’ve seen each other so rarely as is. I know she’s going to do great things over there though, and whomever comes in contact with her will be blessed.
   
   
3. As I stated before, Liz came out for my birthday. Yep, that was Sunday, and I’m officially twenty-two. Even though I like some of Taylor Swift’s music, please don’t sing that song! Anyways…after she left in the morning, the day dragged on (only had four hours of sleep), and it was a low-key, laid-back kind of birthday. Many birthday wishes were sent my way, and my mama made a ham dinner. Ham gravy, yum! She also baked me a birthday cake, funfetti flavored with butter cream frosting and covered in pink sugar crystals. My family also got me some new clothes and a new digital camera complete with a fitted case so I can carry it in my purse without damage like my old ones. The best part of my birthday? No negative energy.
   
   
4. Monday, my friend Melinda, another beauty of mine from college, came to visit me. She had wanted to be here the day before, but was spending much needed time with her fiancé. It was great though, we got to catch up and talk more than we do via text, Facebook, and calls. Haha. She’s a chica I chat with often. We went to Tim Horton’s for much needed hot beverages, well…that, and coffee shops have become a tradition of ours. We played with her Tarot cards, and I tried my hand at being the reader for once. We also walked around town, where she loved seeing some of the different buildings, especially ones that have a Victorian vibe. As many friends of mine that didn’t grow up here, she liked it. She also treated me to an early supper late lunch, before we got back to my house. Thank goodness I do at least know how to properly measure tire pressure, and how to work my dad’s air pump thing, because otherwise I’m not sure she’d have made it home in one piece. So incredibly glad she came out to see me, I’ve missed her, and when we get together, things seem better. A sign of true friends.
   
   
5. My friend Chrissy has done so much for me and been there often, so since she’s been stressed between full-time job and full-time school, and other small things, we got together to hang out yesterday. Lots of talking, and then I treated her to supper at one of the better restaurants in town. They had chicken and biscuits as a special, and man that made her happy. I’m glad I could bring her a smile.  She apologized later for us not doing much, but like I’ve stated to her and other friends before, I can enjoy myself and be content, with just the company and friendship, without me talking very much.  It was a good evening.
   
   
6. My dad and his fellow veterans of our town spent yesterday, and are spending today, standing outside different establishments in our town, selling poppies.  If there are any veterans in your areas doing this, donate, even if it’s a nickel. A little bit goes far, and our veterans have done much for our country. Their day is almost upon us, respect them, and thank them.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

No More Promises

Stop making me promises;

You used to be a keeper.

Stop making me promises,

All you’re keeping are excuses.

You kissed me,

That’s how they used to seal the deal.

You kissed me,

A possible future bloomed before us.

Time has been given

To our two hearts.

Time has been spent,

Complications and cracks are the only result.

Stop the promises,

I know you mean well.

Stop the promises,

Because I can’t wait for them to be held.

The Saturday Six Seventeen

1. On Saturday last week, my best friend from my college days was out to see me.  She came Friday, and was here for two nights.  We had dinner with my family, and she helped me wash dishes afterwards, on Friday night.  When my family went to hang out in the camper for a bit, we went up to my room, hooked up her laptop, and popped in a DVD.  We watched Mama Mia up there until my ma came up, and then moved the giggles downstairs.  It was odd to hang out in my bedroom I’ve had since I was little, because it hasn’t been since at least middle school that I actually chilled up there.  Haha.
   
   
2. Saturday, was a special artist’s birthday. Made and sent him a card, and did a shot with him that night.
   
   
3. I’ve gotten some headway in the job hunting mission, let’s see where things lead me.  Cross your fingers folks!
   
   
4. I’ve been making progress on a new writing project. It’s challenging me, and I’m loving every bit of it.
   
   
5. My friend Chrissy and I checked out the store, Spirit Halloween on Tuesday, in Geneseo. It’s one of those seasonal stores.  Many cool things in there, but more for parties and kids for the most part. Oh, and I managed to have a heart-jump-throat moment when one of the animatronic creatures—a giant spider—lunged at me.  Okay, not Halloween yet, but I’ve had my scare for the month. Haha.
   
   
6. Yesterday, I became excited. Why?  My good friend and fellow writer, sent me a copy of her first book in her Serenity Series, Secret, as a gift in the mail.  I’m going to have to hide it on myself perhaps, because it’s pulling me.  Yet, I’m already three books I’m reading simultaneously and have about two more after that which people have lent me.  Those must be read first so that they can be returned to their proper owners. And who knows how many more books I’m going to get soon, my birthday is just a couple weeks away.  Alas…, more books in this world than I can read, and I shall continue to build my library.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

The Tempest's Hour

***For Madeleine***

Rubbing the lotion into my hands,

I stared at my computer screen, trying to make sense

Of the articles I had yet to read.

My phone buzzed and rattled against my wooden desk,

Startling me out of slipping through space.

A message popped up when I flipped it open

To view the text I had received.

A message crying for help,

Barely comprehensible—

But I knew my friend well,

I knew she needed me.

So dropping everything else,

No thought in my head but fear,

            Worry,

                        Care,

I grabbed my phone in a blur

Along with my keys

And flew out of my chair,

            Across my room,

                        Out my door

Without a blink.

I ran down the stairwell

That was stationed beside my suite

Not bothering to wonder if my bare feet would trip

Over one of the cement steps

Separating my floor

            From hers.

Bursting forth, I tried with no avail

To swing open her bedroom door

Petrified of what I might find,

            But knowing I needed to be inside.

It was locked and I pounded

Saying her name.

My Mia, my Anne,

In pain had to scrabble

To unlock the door

            In order for aid.

When I finally made it through,

I felt my heart in my throat

Air missing from my lungs.

My friend was a crumpled mess

On her bedroom floor.

I dropped my belongings on the ground,

Closed the door,

And knelt down beside her.

I still recall the lightness of her body

As I took upon myself to get her moved.

Together, we managed to get her arm

Around my neck,

And I bore the little weight with my short stature

Across the room—

Putting her to bed.

We laid there for two

            Or three

Hours, as I held her in my arms

Shaking, stuttering,

Telling me to only call for help if she began to choke.

And thoughts raced through my head

Of ways to keep things under control

            If I had to

Call

            And wait

                        For help.

I didn’t have to though,

Just spoke to keep with calm

While holding her one hand

As her other kept twitching against my chest.

She muttered and words tumbled from her mouth

As her meds began to set.

The night was silent

All except for our breath

            And the tension surrounding our bubble.

When I was sure

That she would sleep and that the terror

Of the midnight,

And the ticking had slowed—

I bid her sleep well,

Snatched up my things, still on the floor,

And crept out the door.

I felt as if gravity was wanting to push me

To kneel, as I made my way back to my own place.

The rest of the world became dark

I had a new focus in the lens of my mind.

I cried for a few more hours,

Barely sleeping before I had to again, rise,

To greet everyone,

            Act as if everything was the same.

As if I weren’t scared of losing my friend.

The realization that she could have died

And I was one sprouting new wings.

Hope flutters inside your soul.

It hits you that what you knew mattered,

            Matters more than before.

Life. It’s to be cherished.

Friendship—you hug it.

True ties, you don’t let go.

Fight.

Don’t take flight.

Love.

It’s been a year, since those hours passed

And inside I still at times, shed tears.

I can still hear the shake in her voice

And the mini-me in my head coaching me to be calm, seem serene.

I worry about her often still,

Even though we now know her diagnosis.

I miss her often, tensing to leap up when she needs me.

Many things in my life have made me grow up, too quickly at times

            Or in ways others had no need to.

It’s the way of life.

But two or three hours,

Spent in anxious pandemonium,

And the friendship that is now for life and time after,

Altered me, made me grow.

I can’t go back to the woman from before,

And nor would I wish to.

I count the blessings even more so,

And learned that my heart that I always thought too big,

Is the right size, even if it contains pain,

Because I know that if possible,

All becomes less meaningful if you don’t make sacrifice.

            If you don’t show the care you speak of.

                        If you don’t express the love in your veins.

My friends are my family, the ones where it’s not blood that matters.

It’s the actions, the heart—the hearts.

Small things, like holding the hand of a friend

When she’s in pain, when she’s feeling alone

Just giving support, showing that there’s real care,

Providing love. Can help make one strong.

Make the bond of friends stronger,

You both survive better, knowing there’s each other.

Holding on. Leaning on. Pulling through.

Miss Thermopolis is to me

As I am fairy-godmother to her.

We’ve experienced real magic:

Getting through a night of terror,

And never leaving one another—

Pixie dust slips into our veins—

Friends. Family.

A hopeful Tolkien, a dreaming Lewis.

Two women.

            Stand tall.

                        We are no man.

We take upon us, courage that we do not see in ourselves, to push on.

We live.

            We create.

                        We breathe in and out

                                    What is in our hearts.

We are the brightest stars, in the moonlight.

Refuting literal farewells.

Staying by and by, in the night,

Together greeting sunlight.

We glitter, even though we are not gold.

The Saturday Six (Fifteen)

1.  I went driving twice earlier this week with my mom, taking routes I hadn’t taken yet. I also was driving a car both times, which was extremely different for me, since all I’ve practiced in is trucks.  I’m happy with the progress though, but wasn’t able to practice much more later in the week due to it raining all week, and no one’s been home much with time to help. Taking what I can get.

And trying hard not to put an S.O.S. online to my friends in the area with vehicles, asking them to help me practice/learn in return for baked goods. Not kidding. I’ve thought about baking for others in return for lessons.

2.  A week ago, I went to my friend Chrissy’s where for the first time in a long time, I just sat on the floor for over two hours, no music, no music, no nothing, just talking.  We’ve both been stressed and just vented. On just about everything, like a great purge. After, we went to the local Tops, bought a four-case of Jamaican-Me-Crazy wine coolers, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s (Karamel Sutra, to split), Kettle Salt and Vinegar chips, and those awesome sour Twizzlers we had that one time we went to the drive-in. We then watched Wanderlust, and capped off the night to music videos and parodies on youtube before sleeping hard. Guess you can say we sorely needed a stay-in girls’ night of some of the simplest of pleasures: friendship, comedy, and junk food. I’m glad for nights like that though, because even if they come about due to stress and sadness, etc, they help heal you a little bit to keep you going.  Kind of like a recharge without going out and being stupid.  And trust me, I’ve been wanting to go out and be stupid. Haha.

3.  Tuesday night, I was over the moon. I’m not one of those girls that generally chase, nor tries and tries to be noticed. It’s generally, here I am simply, you see me then let me know. Well…since my 21^stbirthday almost a year ago, I have been trying here and there to get just a hi from my favorite actor via Twitter. Usually, when an author, writer, or actor hasn’t responded, I’m like, well..okay, they’re busy, I get it. I’ve smiled though when some have responded to me, mostly just a couple of authors (Libba Bray, Alyson Noel) that I’m not friends with or a couple actors (Kris Holden-Ried, Rick Howland, and Robin Strasser) or when some well-known people follow me. It’s nice.

Well, after many once in a blue moon tweets to my favorite actor, he posted a simple Tweet asking how people were or what they were up to.  All I did was respond, stating I was working on one of my novels that’s in progress (it’ll be a long time before you see anything long from them, I’m more picky with my longer works than my short).

He answered me.

Milo Ventimiglia tweeted me.

And, I’m pretty sure my heart stopped, and a large part of me said that if I were to die right now, I would be happy. Then again, even though he’s fourteen years older than me, I always did say after I started watching his work, that I would happily marry him and bare his children in a heartbeat. Funny how we can be when we like someone, right?

But I don’t just like Milo for his looks, or voice, even though just in the physical sense he’s pretty damn sexy (future males in my life, don’t take it to heart, just because I like him doesn’t mean I’ll deny you, like some have oddly thought). I like him for the work he does usually. And honestly, if I could somehow, I would want to work with him. I wouldn’t have to fangirl and be with him, just working with him as colleuges would be nice. I don’t know how exactly, but you never know where the world will take you, or where your passions will take you. I mean, come on, when I was younger, I wanted to be a teacher and a writer that got published.  Now, I just want to be someone that helps others, and a writer who yes, still wants to be published but doesn’t have to have fame for it, but who also wants to have artists sing my lyrics, and would love to get on the other side of the writing world—editing, publishing.  So who knows, maybe I’ll be lucky and get to talk with Milo more in the future, maybe be blessed enough to work with him.

Don’t know.I do know though, that my positivity levels have been ultimately low lately, but that that ONE text from him, made my levels go up a good degree.  And isn’t that all we want from the people that look up to us, or that enjoy what we work hard to create, is to touch them somehow, even if it’s just a smile?

Now, if only the people that we care about in our actual lives and who we like, or love, could realize just how much even a phone call or text message can change things around for us? Haha.

 

Oh, and if you think this was the closest I could display to my excitement, when Libba Bray tweeted me for the first time a year ago:

 Think again when it came to Milo.

Anyways….

 …I’m just going to shut up for a bit about the Milo tweet now, so no one wants to take a frying pan to my head (inside joke between my mama and I this week, don’t ask). Besides, pretty sure there’s a high chance of me swooning and drooling later in the future. I’ll just enjoy this and be quiet.

4.  My friend, writer Jess Russell, deigned to tell me that her son has asked at times if they could visit me again. Not only do I love Jessica, she is like family to me, I love that her son wants to hang out with me as well. He’s got a great mom, and is a good kid. I’m still shocked at how extroverted he is at times, especially with how quickly he made friends when I took them to the park in my town over the summer. Hope to see them sometime before Christmas if possible, missing them both.

5.  Yesterday, I went job hunting, getting and handing in more applications. I walked around in my large raincoat, in the rain (was pouring most of the time) up and down Main Street in my town.  I’m now stuck waiting to hear anything, and will probably try to put out more applications next week.

Cross your fingers and wish me luck. I need it.

6.   I heard my mom say last night that you’d think people in our family would know that October 12^th is not a good day for our family. Note: I go “huh?” with a “what the heck ya talking about” look pasted across my face.  Apparently, every marriage that has occurred in our family, on that date, has ended in divorce. Now, I tend not to be a superstitious woman, but what about being the one that marries a couple on that day? You know, get ordained and tie two people together?  Okay…just realized how odd that sounds, but I’m writing this straight out of my head as I process.

I’m serious.

One of my friends wants to get married on that date someday in the future, and I promised to officiate when the time came.

I don’t want to jinx them.

I’m kind of hoping that my cousin that I don’t know, and his fiancée, end up having a long fruitful marriage, and kick this thing in the derrière.

Also…, a person I care about deeply, has that date as a birthday.  I really don’t need more things saying “no.” Partly because I’ll resent it more and find a way to say screw you more often on that subject, but still.

Alas, I think way too often these days, about some random things. And it doesn’t matter. Yet, the thought still pops into my head. And triggers dominoes.  Anyone else?

Please say I’m not alone in this. *faceplant*

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

PS—I had to refrain from posting any screen stills of Milo from That’s My Boy, and Pathology, considering I don’t know how young people are that are reading this.

The Saturday Six (Seven)

1. Sunday, I went to a wedding where I got to see my friend (who was my best friend in elementary school) get married to the man she has loved almost as long as I have known her.  She made a beautiful bride, and for the first time in my life, I cried at a wedding, and at the reception as well.
   
   
2. Monday, one of my best writer friends, Madeleine (you may know her as M. R. Bryant) traveled a little over an hour to come and visit me.  So we talked, a lot, and then I brushed off my magic wand and worked a bit of my fairy godmotherly magic on her, as she requested (she has a wedding in Pennsylvania she’s attending this weekend, and wanted to look…fannetabulous, hehe).  I’m so glad that I got to see her…I had really needed her, and I also desperately miss seeing her at least once a week, like when we went to college.  I’m sure everyone will be quite jealous of her boyfriend this weekend though, because knowing her, she’s achieved what she planned.
   
   
3. I know from talking to my friend Jess this week, that I’m blessed to have her in my life, and as part of the family I have created for myself.  Remember, if you have good friends, true friends, the ones you know are real, don’t ever let them go if you can help it.  They’re the falling stars you hold in your hand and want to keep close to your heart.
   
   
4. My best friend from college, Christine, called me up this week.  I had to get off the phone after a while, but I hope I can see her soon.  Stinks that it’s so hard to find time to even have a phone conversation any more, that isn’t texting.  But, when you’re friends and you matter, still need to try even if it’s just for a minute.  That’s something I learned a long time ago, and will keep putting into practice when someone else is willing to do so as well.
   
   
5. Yesterday, I got up early and joined Jack and his family, and his friend Jessi to go visit the Genesee Country Village and Museum (Mumford, NY).  We didn’t see every little bit, but I’m glad to be given the chance to go when I appreciate the beauty of all of it, as well as the history.  I do know though, that even though I’m already not a big fan of beer, it’s going to be a couple weeks possibly before I can swallow a swig of it after going to the 19^th century brewery.  Haha.  Oh my though, how beautiful some of the houses were….in some, I felt like I was in Dr. Quinn’s homestead before she married Sully, in other’s like I could possibly be in the Quinn house in Boston.  That’s the extremes.  I loved it though, and in one of the last houses that we had a chance to go into, I had memories of when I went to house in Rochester two years ago, to celebrate International Women’s Day.
   
   We also went to one of the museums, that held old clothing and had artwork.  How I dearly love to look at art, and see the magic a person has created with her or his own hands.  With the clothes though…even though some of it was pretty…you’d never catch me, I do believe, trying to wear any of that.  The waists were much too small, and I’d rather have comfort and air in my lungs than be constrained by a corset.
   
   My writer’s mind is pleased, as well as a bit of my soul.  Yes, I know, I may be a bit strange for saying that, but hell, I don’t care.
   
   
6. After the museum, and after lunch, when we got back to their house, I admit, I ended up falling asleep on their couch.  Jack had to wake me up eventually, and we went to a baseball game in Batavia.  It was a good game, from what I can collect, and I enjoyed the company immensely.  When we went to head back to our town, we stopped in the parking lot to watch the fireworks.  Thank the heavens for Jack, because with all those bangs, even though I enjoy the light and the sparks, I don’t know how well I would have remained standing, or if I could have kept myself from trying to shut all the sound out.

My friends have been so kind and good to me, seems even more so since I got my degree.  I may be stressing a lot lately, but I recognize what is good, what keeps me going, and that the universe or someone, is watching out for me.  Well, I’m sorry if this is rushed, but I’m extremely tired and have to make sure this posted before I decide to wake my youngest nephew up to start his day.  I’m going to make sure that this kid actually gets a nap later, so none of this sleep until 12:30 crap.  Haha.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

Possibility

I was afraid to hope

But I did it anyways.

You were the one I gave my heart to,

A piece of me is always yours

The way a piece of stardust

Will always belong to the infinite universe.

I’m still going to talk;

Still going to hold you in reverence.

My dreams were you

And now I’m going to fold them up

Like worn love letters

Into a heart-shaped box enclosed by ribs.

I’m going to give someone

That makes me feel like a princess of the fae

A chance.

He’s of a different sort than you

I feel it in my bones,

And even though I miss you,

I’m not going to pass up the possibility

Of an alternate future,

When there’s someone I feel for

Who adores me

And who is always there.

This is a new opportunity for me,

And I’m grasping straws these days

For things to keep me here,

So yeah, I hoped for us

And for the most part

I’ve given up on anything

But sporadic friendship.

Now, I’m afraid to not hope

That there may be something out there for me

To at least want my body

With all that goes with it:

The heart,

The mind,

The soul,

The woman inside…

To want all of it, enough to give

The terminology of “us”

A try.

The Other Fish Within The Sea

Please don’t call me sweetheart,

I might vomit from the fear.

Please don’t fall so easily,

I may break your heart before you have the chance.

Please don’t call me yours,

My heart is someone else’s.

Please don’t speak of settling,

It’s hard for me to see a future without him.

I cannot stay, so I move on.

Part of me still listens though,

For when my love comes to my door.

I can give you friendship,

I can bring you ease…

You are stress relief,

The other fish within the sea.

I want to step away

Give you the simple yes you seek,

But I cannot, because while I can mix and mingle

My heart still waits to hear its heartsong sing.

I hate to admit, but I’ve that hope inside,

That kind whose seed buries deep.

Yes, I like you

That goes without saying.

Do I foresee a future?

Don’t hate me for not believing.

I have one in mind

That I thought was broken long ago

But once again,

Lightning struck and the dreams came creeping back.

I want to say yes,

Trust me, I do.

However, I don’t know what kind of answer to give

When I could have all I ever wanted

With the one that compliments, completes

If I just hang on a little longer.

Could you wait? That’s cruel of me to ask.

You’re kind and sweet

But I don’t know, if even though you think me cute

If you could ever handle the real me

That is beneath.

Lightning

A memory slips in.

My heart skips a beat.

I don’t know what to feel,

What to think.

My body shudders.

The earth turns on its axis.

Another year comes

And is gone.

Look to the night sky

As lightning strikes—

Remembering your soft lips

As we stood on the porch steps.

For months, after you left

I built walls, like yours.

I numbed myself when it came to men;

No one could get in.

Then one summer night,

I stood alone on a balcony,

My head tilted upward as I stared

At the stars up high.

A cool breeze brushed against my arms

As I slipped off my shoes, my feet bare,

I felt as my arms hung limply by my sides,

As the walls deteriorated

And all that was left,

Was the spirit, the essence,

The memory of my heartache—

That of me and you.

My breath was caught in my throat

As far in the distance,

Heat lightning flashed and fireworks exploded.

Imaginary arms wrapped themselves around me,

And in that moment,

Not only did I miss you,

I knew it was time to stop hiding—

Time to move on, move forward.

My heart couldn’t take it,

Someone driven by love and here on earth because of it,

Should not fear it.

Yes, you broke me.

It was like somehow the diamond in the rough,

Was ground to dust—

I was choking on it.

Tears flow freely,

Your name is a sting to my flesh.

The sight of you causes all my senses to crash.

As friends shake me, ask if I’m okay

But I’m just gone from this plane—

It’s a temporary escape.

One day, I shall face.

My prayer is to walk up to you,

I’ll smile—

For I was the angel you needed,

And nothing should be forgotten,

But from the depths of what is me,

I erase my pride.

All is forgiven.

My love for you, I’m sure will continue on,

Though the love for myself has grown.

And as I mark the end to my first twenty years,

I know now that life goes on

And there are chapters after Gursslin.

Peace for me; it does exist.

I can have happiness, and contentment once again,

No matter how fleeting,

It is there.

I hope you are well.

I send kisses on the beams of white light.

You’re welcome to enter my life again,

I’ll welcome you with open arms,

But leave the walls and veil,

At our history’s door.

I do not know what lies in store,

I just want you to know—

I’m doing alright on my own.

Look to the sky, when night falls

Think of me, the warmth of my hand

The friendship that shall always exist.

You are not alone, out there in the world,

I still care, you’ve got someone on your side.

Romantic entanglement—maybe it’s not for us,

Just follow your heart,

Let your spirit whisper—

Don’t tell it to hush like you used to.

True love happens when lightning strikes.

Turning the Knife Back

 **Wrote this October/November**

This isn’t another forlorn, love-sick song of mine,

Lamenting of the love we never had, or the love that we did share.

This is me coming out to you, telling you how I feel.

Must I scorn you?  I feel I must.

For how you could leave me like a piece of trash,

On the side of the road, treating me like past girls have treated you?

I deserve better, no, I deserve so much more than just “better.”

Haven’t you noticed,                            

I’m fighting like a demon,

Kicking and scratching,

I’m fighting,

I’m fighting you.

Want a challenge?

I’m challenging the new you that seems to have taken over.

The you that doesn’t seem to give a damn anymore.

You gave up so easily with all of the girls that hurt your heart,

And now you’re giving up before the tough even started.

Well, I’m not like you. I’m not giving up.  I’m not giving in.

I am your forgotten dream, don’t you realize that?

You once told me the three things that you desired in a girl,

You wanted someone that would never cheat on you—

I am your answer.

You wanted someone that inspired you—

You said I inspired you with how much I care.

You wanted someone as carefree as yourself,

Well, come on, I have become more carefree as the years have grown,

I’ve become more carefree since my accident last spring;

I’m pretty sure that my tattoos and my smoking of my nickname have been proof enough of that.

I’m not that little high school girl from your senior year anymore,

I’m a grown woman, and whether I wanted to or not—

I even fought the becoming—

I have become more and more of a mold of which you were meant to love.

You were the one that started it all; I want you to remember that.

I had learned to be content with just being friends, for that’s what you told the fifteen year old    me, that that’s what we’d ever be.

Listen to me, now I’m twenty and I’m tired of the ups and downs, these turn rounds—

But this one-eighty, now Hell, that’s what you’ve thrown me into with this damned one-eighty;

I want a three-sixty; I want the real you back.

You were the one that came to me, telling me that you had been harboring feelings for me for       two years, you know the ones that you felt when you were with the girl that you swore     was your soul mate—

Here’s a question oh friend, how can a girl be your soul mate, for when you went to bed, it           was of me that you dreamt?

I told you that you had to wait, because I didn’t know how I felt;

I mean, you threw your feelings at me and I never saw them coming

For I had buried mine a long time ago and moved on, tried dating other people—

But no, you and fate just wouldn’t let me be, always popping up and interfering with my deluded            happiness.

Fortune had it, that I returned your feelings, and felt the same...

However, I let mine return slowly and kept my walls up for as long as I could,

Ah, if it weren’t for that day where you met me outside the courthouse with just your sneakers,    cut-up jeans, unzipped white sweatshirt at the bus stop,

And we walked to the park where you picked flowers for friends as we talked.

Then with your swagger, we went to a small hill in the park, and laid there with your friends

Talking about nothings and staring up at the sunny cloudless sky.

You peeked up from beneath your fedora from time to time

And with those long eyelashes of yours curtaining your hazel eyes that you know that make me    weak, those eyes that are a witch’s envy and my kryptonite—

You froze me and struck me and had my heart forever and I damn that moment to the devil’s      hollow, for that is when you took me for your prisoner and have since held me captured.

Then I started college and just one look at you when I returned for Labor Day,

Had all of my walls disintegrating and I fell quickly

And I think I’ve fallen on my face and stubbed my toes because Cupid’s unlucky arrow pierced   me,

And I think he hit me more than once, because no matter how I have run, I still tumble down this winding hole of romance and withdrawal like Alice down her acid-tripping rabbit hole.

I was condemned the day that you stepped foot on my college doorstep,

Well even before that…more like when I went to fetch you with my best friend.

We pulled up in front of the apartment and you got in the back seat,

And you wanted to show me along the car ride, how you can make your hands cold upon demand,

You touched my bare shoulders—

I was wearing my orange halter-top that day, do you remember, with my hair down and my          makeup natural

I had put so much work into looking perfect for you, a doll really, your plaything for eternity.

When your hands touched my skin, I swear I shivered

Like a spirit had passed through me and I could barely breathe.

We are connected you dumb fool, even a blind man can see—

So why can’t you, or do you have so many walls up that you are blinded by what God sets down right in front of you, over, and over, and over again?

I remember that night…I think it was one of the first that you actually relinquished your guard     and opened your heart to me,

That night was the tipping of the balance that led to more of an “us” and “you and me” than just  you and me as friends.

We laid in my bed, do you remember?

You counted my heartbeats with your head against my chest,

Slowly ticking down the thump-thump-thump…thump, that you said was unlike any other.

And then we moved around so that we were side by side,

And we talked for…I don’t remember how long, and then you said

That you almost forgot; you leaned over me, balancing all your weight on your forearms—

And kissed me our first kiss, and now I have to fight back the tears because that kiss was the       sweetest I’ve ever tasted, ever felt.

It was like two pieces of silk fabric moving against once another, soft and slow—

And I moved my hands into your dark brown hair that makes me think of a deep mahogany bark that’s almost black, if it were made of feathers.

You even took my hands as we made out and pinned them over my head with just one hand, like a shackle.

That night was our favorite shared memory of the two of us,

The first time you remember me ever coming out of my shell—

The first moment you realized that I could be yours—

That I could fulfill each wish.

And then there was that time that I was riding back a from short road trip with my friends,

We were coming back through our hometown from Pennsylvania just to see if you were awake,

And you were and you stood outside waiting for me,

You reminded me of a nineteen-twenty’s scene,

Dressed in a long dark trench coat leaning against the wall of the downstairs restaurant,

Your hat tipped forward and your cigarette billowing smoke from your left hand—

You were a mysterious figure

As our carload of people clunked down the empty road

At two-something in the morning.

It was gently snowing out and seemed like I was in a black and white movie

But I could hardly pay attention to the surrealism,

I tried jumping out of the car once,

I was such a bundle of nerves bouncing in my seat, but the door hit a snow bank

So I had to wait until my best friend backed the car up, or was it forward?  I can’t remember that            detail, I was so excited.

When the car finally came to a halt however, I do remember:

I jumped out of the car, straight into your arms, which brought me close and slightly lifted me so I was on my tiptoes,

And we kissed and expressed how much we missed,

And then the next thing I knew I was spending the night and you never let me go until I left.

Don’t you remember that romantic picture moment one bit, or did it fade like all photographs?

Remember how we went a whole summer without seeing each other, indeed, about six months or more had passed,

And I left my two male friends early who are like brothers to me, who protect me where they       can, and when I let them.

I walked up to the park pavilion where you told me you would come,

Because even though you had such a busy day,

You still skateboarded to there

Out of breath

Popping between your lips another cigarette,

Just to spend ten minutes with me.

Ten minutes to someone is such a short time,

But to me it was enough to get me by.

And when you left, you rocked on your board

As I held you back from going

Just to reach up and give you a small kiss.

I needed that, and don’t lie—

I know you needed it more than I.

And after that, I had four day weeks in school

So I would crash at my best friend’s parent’s house to be with her and her sister

And while she was at work, you would skateboard from your apartment to see me from    anywhere from half an hour to an hour…

Remember, you skateboarded to see me, not the other way around.

And then the biggest memories of all, the summer of twenty-eleven

I was down visiting The South, and after almost five years, you finally asked me out

You finally admitted that you loved me

You told me that you liked having me in your arms and that I calmed you down and made you    feel normal

You said you would make it all official once I came back

You said you wanted to have me in your arms and kiss me good night and wake up with me in     the morning,

You thought then you wouldn’t feel so scared and alone….

Scared and alone, let me see here, why did you feel that way?

You felt like that, because I wasn’t there and because you were sick and needed the one person   that cared and would take care of you in anyway I could.

Huh, I’m pretty sure I struck the part of me that scares you the most:

It’s the fact that I care, I care so much

And even though you admire that, it scares you.

I’m right, aren’t I?

You told me you loved me and missed me time and time again,

My texting inbox was full of love or so I thought,

And when I came back to New York we did everything in our power to try to see one another.

And oh, how you were sweet to me even though you were ill and didn’t know what was wrong   with you;

My sister and her boyfriend kept me up all night fighting,

And you stayed on the phone with me answering my sleepy random questions,

Until I fell asleep with my phone in my hand.

And then August fifth came around

And the force of us needing to see each other was so strong,

That I concocted a plan with my group,

That I would come over to their place so that my parents wouldn’t know,

And then three hours later, you drove up in your mom’s car

And waited for me patiently until my friends would relinquish me.

When we got back to the apartment where you used to live

I said hi to your mom before heading into your room,

I loved the Rugrats drawing you did on your wall,

And next thing I knew, you were taking me in your arms

And we just stood there, you holding me like I would disappear if you let go

But you knew I wouldn’t for I am not the kind to disappear, unlike you.

We moved to the bed and I snuggled close,

As you tried finding something on NetFlix for us to watch—

What was the one thing we actually watched straight through?

I think it was called the “Happy Forest” or some cartoon with a name similar to that,

Don’t take my word for it, for I can’t remember the title clearly,

But I remember that it was grotesque and that it was weird watching all these cute little animals

Die incomprehensible unreal deaths…I mean, a pink bunny being whacked by a helicopter wing?

Only a true stoner would watch that…oh yeah, you are a true stoner.

Just one who hasn’t smoked in a few months because it makes his throat constrict;

I guess that’s what you get for when you’re about to do something that cannot be foreseen,

Your sickness was karma taking its due before you erased me.

We talked and you told me how you overdramatized and were afraid that you could have cancer,

Because that’s all that could be wrong with you since doctor’s couldn’t give you straight  answers.

Ha! That’s just your manic depression whispering bad thoughts in your ear, when you should’ve   been listening to me.

I remember, laughing, because you thought that I was in normal clothes, so you asked me if I       wanted to borrow something to sleep in…I probably should have said yes, so that I could       have you against me all night long.

And that was the night, that everything changed for me.

We kissed, our kisses deepened.

You brought me close to you, and I held your face close to mine.

You had to pull back, because it was so intense, you couldn’t breathe.

But kissed me you did, and the more you did the more you explored my body.

And you said that if I wanted to do anything, go any further—

I would have to be the one to initiate it.

Initiate I did.

I got you on your back and straddled you, never losing eye contact.

I stripped off my blue and white lace and cotton tank.

Leaned in and kissed you hard as you sat up.

You took off your t-shirt and then unclasped my white bra,

Letting my breasts fall down from their support waiting for you to taste.

You leaned up and bent your head and suckled at each breast

Calmed my rising nerves with just your tongue.

I was so relaxed, in the way that only you have ever been able to make me mellow.

Just your presence comforted me and that is why I chose you for my first,

Wanted you for my first.

Yes, I loved you as well, but being with someone that makes you feel so as ease

And you know everything will be okay in that one moment,

That is why I chose you.

I chose you, so you must be deserving of my heart in some way.

We rolled to our sides and then everything started to become a blissful fog

You kissed me deeper, no longer pulling back and I wanted you so bad.

I told you and you said that I knew what I had to do,

So we both began stripping off what was left of our clothes,

And you went to your dresser—

The one closest to your bed, and went into the top drawer, left corner

To get out a condom.

I was nervous but my nerves were smothered with excitement and ease.

You put it on, and spread my legs—

Crawling up between them until our lips meshed.

You asked if I was ready, you asked if I was sure.

All I could answer was a quiet, breathless yes—

And next thing I knew, I wasn’t a virgin anymore

And you and I were connected

Not just by body but I know our spirits which have always been intertwined, rejoiced.

You turned “South Park” up, for we didn’t know how loud it would get

And we lasted for more than two hours,

The two of us

Going at it.

I would say more, but I think I’ve jogged your memory enough as to what happened that night.

Let your memory take you back,

Feel the goodness of it

That contentment that we both felt,

Especially laying in each other’s arms

And my skin so flushed.

I would also say more, but with the present

This past memory hurts too much.

I think it is the worst one that you gave me,

Because it equates such happiness for me—

You’re a liar, that’s all I have to say.

You who told me that you would always be there for me

You who said that you would always tell me the truth because you hate lies…

Is that why you vanished, because you can’t face the truth and don’t wish to lie?

I’m so confused.

I know you didn’t break contact just because we had sex,

Otherwise you would have quit me sooner than a month later.

You needed me still however, I know—

Your grandmother died and she was like a mother to you, I know

And that’s when so much of the change in you began to occur—

I felt sorry for you, but I tried so hard to get you out of the shell you were creating,

It was unhealthy and I know you tried to save her,

I know you held her limp body in your arms,

But you’re not going to get her back,

She lived her life, however short

And I know she would want you to live yours

And I know that you know that life isn’t worth living unless you have someone to love,

Love is most important;

But I guess you want to dishonor anyone who ever did anything for love,

Like her taking you in and raising you,

By pushing love away and treating me bad.

I’m sure if your grandmother knew me and knew of our past,

She would wrap you upside your thick-skulled head.

And you still talked to me even though you grieved!

I mean, hello, you kept me in the loop about your sickness and doctor’s appointments

Every single one of them, up to the last one before your last surgery.

That was the last time we talked, you telling me that the doctor said that you had an abscess on    your tonsils and the basic procedure that would have to be done.

I remember that date:

September seventh;

I mean, how can I not, with it being the last time you ever spoke a word to me…

That’s a twisted way to say goodbye you know, you S.O.B.—

Tell me how a doctor’s appointment went and then cut me out of your life like a was meant only to be a few good memories,

Another girl counted on your abacus,

Or another memory to take into account when you design your next tattoo.

I had thought about asking you to do mine, when I get more down the road,

But how can I even be a customer when you won’t answer?

You know what; I could give each date of those three Fridays that we spent the night together,

Even though we only slept together that one:

September twenty-fifth two-thousand-nine to Saturday the twenty-sixth.

February twelfth two-thousand-ten to Saturday the thirteenth.

And the grand finale, August fifth two-thousand-eleven to Saturday the sixth.

Ironic that each night that lead to the next one was a Friday, huh?

Ironic that as you lost someone you love, your love for me slowly dwindled—

For as the month went on, you said you loved me less often,

You missed me less often,

But you still needed me.

Even if you didn’t tell me,

You knew I would wait for you; that no man would compare to you

No other man had a place in my heart,

When I asked you out myself, you had said yes but to hold off because you had so much on your            plate—

You knew that I would understand, and I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.

You didn’t have to worry about us.

I loved you anyway.

That was my problem,

I always loved you anyway.

You haven’t talked to me in a month, well, it’s been over a month now—

And I tried to get you to talk to me,

I texted you,

I called you,

And I sent you a letter in your birthday card as my last resort to try to wake you up

Maybe it would actually get something out of you

If I told you how much it hurt that you were ignoring me,

But obviously, it didn’t—

You go on as if I’m out of existence.

But I ask you this, how are you even a man

When you can’t face me in person when I’m right next door?

You live in your grandmother’s old house now,

And one time, I was staying over at my best friend’s parents for the weekend,

We were heading out to the reservation to get her dad his cigarettes,

And then heading to the Cider Mill and the Cheese Factory

To get ourselves some treats,

And there you were outside your door,

Holding the door open for your mother and two other people—

You were always a gentleman.

But here’s the thing, I know you saw me

Walking down the stone path to the car, chattering away

And we both know I stopped the minute I noticed you

And I know it’s because of me that you disappeared so quickly back into your house.

And then there was this one time,

The next weekend later—

Me and my gang of friends were out and about,

Taking a break from the college life

The sisters were inside getting ready

As the rest of us waited outside for them

So we could go back to Brockport for bowling and the midnight movie.

My best friend’s boyfriend, who is like the big brother that takes care of me

And who is a hell of a good guy, on of the few,

And I, sat on the truck of the old Chevy car, relaxing against the back windshield—

And wouldn’t you know it, I hear small wheels on pavement,

Rolling down the center of the street,

And my eyes snapped forward.

Even in black I knew it was you, no matter how small you seemed

No matter the distance, and I know that as you got closer

Even though I was in black myself,

I’m pretty sure that with my pale face and my voice loud,

You knew it was me sitting there and following you with my eyes

As I acted like nothing had changed,

But the truth is I was frozen until you were out of sight—

And I swear you tried pulling your hoodie’s hood to cover your face as soon as you were on the   porch.

What, do you think that I’m stupid?

Life now, is a struggle.

My mother tells me, since you my last attempt to talk was fruitless

To pretend that you’re dead—

You’re dead to my world

And oh my God, the grief of losing of friend,

Except this friend, I have no gravestone to visit,

To let my tears puddle on the granite

And watch as mold grows in the crevices of the words over the years.

Nope, you are the friend without the grave,

And I grieve.

I am the beauty burned.

Did you know that I still cannot sleep,

Unless I fall asleep on my right side like I did when we fell asleep to Talladega Nights,

I have to pretend that your body is there next to mine,

Otherwise I can’t sleep one peep for hours on end;

It was the same after each time we slept in the same bed,

I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless my body was in the position it was when we laid down our       heads.

And when I do sleep,

I have nightmares that make me smile

And wake me with an unsettled heart.

In one of them that I had,

My father had a heart attack,

And I had hardly any friends left in our hometown;

I called you crying,

And said that I knew that you didn’t want anything to do with me,

But I needed someone and had no one else;

The next thing I knew,

You were there at the ER, comforting me, holding me in your arms

Protecting me against the rest of the world—

Holding my fear at bay.

And then there was another one,

One where I was strong,

I walked up to your house

It was pouring rain,

And I was such a nervous wreck, you know, the kind where your nerves feel like they’re racing    along on a train track—

And as my hand shook,

It froze in a fist

And I knocked on your door three times.

You answered,

And we sat on the porch and you finally told me why you did what you did;

I just wish that when you spoke in my dream,

It wasn’t muffled, because then maybe now I wouldn’t be writing this.

But here’s the thing, I would rather act like the girl in my best friend’s dream

That she had the other night,

The one where she dreamt I was burning down a person’s house, laughing—

At least in that dream, hell yeah, I seemed a little crazy

But hey, it showed that there is a fire that burns in me that wants to blaze out

I am not the kind of bitch that you stab a knife in

And twist just to get me to hurt more,

Because I am a woman that you don’t want to mess with—

I might just say, “Oops, it was the PMS,”

And get on with my life,

It is time that I moved on.

If you come back,

I don’t know what I will do,

But my heart will be stronger,

And I want you to know:

I am the fighter.