Want to Try

I fall into pieces

And I keep hoping

That you'll look my way.

I stumble, this isn't what I'm used to--

I loved for so long, hid away.

I crash and I bury

I cry but I can't let it be seen.

It's time for me to open now that it's all closed, behind me.

Rearrange, these atoms that form my skin

At night when I close my eyes,

It's all darkness with blasts of light.

I want to try you out,

See if we're a fit and I just want to try,

This isn't me but I like you too much to not try.

I've been on this wheel called life for too long

Been carrying my burdens, sharing them with no one.

I want to be loved, not just the lover--

I want to see the world, see it in your eyes

I've fallen in pieces, but for the future I'm willing--

I'm willing to bring all the skies, and wrap them around me tight.

I Wish I Could Say

There's so much that goes unsaid. Years and minutes, truths untold.
Said with the eyes, and thumbs that graze buttons but never type.
Hearts that ache, lips that sigh. Secrets held tight within the soul.
Hands clenched tight, bated breaths which linger.
My tongue halts behind the gates of closed teeth,
Wishing for the wants and truths to be seen.
Instead, I move forward, feelings behind closed screens.

Naked Soul

I have never felt so bare.

Not to another, not even to my mirror.

Everything is stripped away, my bones, my skin;

All my flaws, my traits, my shine--

Are on the top of the surface like sea foam

As you wade through it, see me from inside.

You pass easily through, and I'm nervous as hell.

I've been with many, naked flesh I'm confident with, no sweat.

You make me nervous though, more than any other has--

My knees quake a little, that I'm glad you've lain me down.

You're so sweet and kind, while I laugh from my heart.

I never thought of feelings being like this,

And it makes me feel more scared perhaps than I ever have been before.

You pinky-promise me, staring into my eyes--

Past all the layers, to my very soul, and part of me

Never wants to let you go.

Confidence

One summer, I was told

By an admirer, a friend

A lusting desire—

That I was the most confident

Woman, that he’d ever met—

He’d ever known.

I had raised my brow,

Skeptical and surprised,

Each time. Because I didn’t see it,

I couldn’t bring myself to believe

What he said. He couldn’t see past

My mask. I wasn’t as I seemed

Though I was more than I had been.

My confidence was just a glamour

Hiding my insecurities and fears

My thoughts and darker feelings

Mixed with my pride, my back straight,

Chin held high.

Sometimes, to be real I came to realize

Was to fake it until you seemed it

While blending with the truth.

A Letter

Maybe I’ll just write it all in a letter,

            The words I have inside will spill out

In my scratching of cursive and print,

Instead of type.

Will you get it?

I’ve no idea.

Will it be to you, addressed at all?

            What will it imply?

Questions and answers—

            Of us?

            You and I?

You or I?

Love will fall upon each line.

Feelings held in, feelings known.

Truths

            Open doors

Wide flung windows,

From my soul to yours.

I’ll write you a love letter,

Like the notes we used to pass—

            But this will have more to it,

Than the two teenagers in the past.

My heart will bleed through the ink,

Staining the paper black,

            And to you who is always on my mind,

I hope it will tell all

            And more,

While pining for its reply.

For A Fleeting Moment

***Wrote this back in the Fall of 2012, just finished editing it***

For a fleeting moment

I wonder if I should care.

You came back in, beautiful words spilling from your fingertips.

The email was entitled,

            “Everything I Need to Say.”

I remember my heart slamming into my chest from the shock.

            Worse than each time, I saw that you had viewed my page.

What is there to say? It’s been a couple of months,

            Since you first found me, to speak, apologize—

But you never left the key.

You’re still the one with it, the one to my heart.

            No key for me

            Yet I am free….

For now it seems.

I am not vindictive, not the sort to want you to know what it’s like

To break…millions of little pieces of you floating around

As you scramble and fight to put yourself back together—

            But you won’t ever be the same.

Atoms rearrange.

There’s no returning to who, to what

The person you were in the past.

That’s me.

I broke and ran from who I was.

It took a few months; I built walls like you had preached of.

I drank to be drunk.

I smoked to shut off my brain.

I gave my body so I could feel, but not love.

God was with me, just waited for me to be somewhat sane

So I could face the hurt and pain—

            The fact of that matter was that I just couldn’t handle my big heart being squeezed.

I may be a sponge for information, for beauty

But my heart is no play thing.

I’m strong, always have been,

            Always will be.

My heart though, you left….

You made the center of my being, weak.

You have forever been my kryptonite.

My soul just had to be ready to once again stand.

That is when I completely forgave, free floated,

Connected.

Thought of lightning.

Dropped the chains, the what ifs, the could-have-beens.

Funny how you contact me

Not even four weeks after I finished my poem

Where I erased my pride, and was beginning again.

The Saturday Six (Seven)

1. Sunday, I went to a wedding where I got to see my friend (who was my best friend in elementary school) get married to the man she has loved almost as long as I have known her.  She made a beautiful bride, and for the first time in my life, I cried at a wedding, and at the reception as well.
   
   
2. Monday, one of my best writer friends, Madeleine (you may know her as M. R. Bryant) traveled a little over an hour to come and visit me.  So we talked, a lot, and then I brushed off my magic wand and worked a bit of my fairy godmotherly magic on her, as she requested (she has a wedding in Pennsylvania she’s attending this weekend, and wanted to look…fannetabulous, hehe).  I’m so glad that I got to see her…I had really needed her, and I also desperately miss seeing her at least once a week, like when we went to college.  I’m sure everyone will be quite jealous of her boyfriend this weekend though, because knowing her, she’s achieved what she planned.
   
   
3. I know from talking to my friend Jess this week, that I’m blessed to have her in my life, and as part of the family I have created for myself.  Remember, if you have good friends, true friends, the ones you know are real, don’t ever let them go if you can help it.  They’re the falling stars you hold in your hand and want to keep close to your heart.
   
   
4. My best friend from college, Christine, called me up this week.  I had to get off the phone after a while, but I hope I can see her soon.  Stinks that it’s so hard to find time to even have a phone conversation any more, that isn’t texting.  But, when you’re friends and you matter, still need to try even if it’s just for a minute.  That’s something I learned a long time ago, and will keep putting into practice when someone else is willing to do so as well.
   
   
5. Yesterday, I got up early and joined Jack and his family, and his friend Jessi to go visit the Genesee Country Village and Museum (Mumford, NY).  We didn’t see every little bit, but I’m glad to be given the chance to go when I appreciate the beauty of all of it, as well as the history.  I do know though, that even though I’m already not a big fan of beer, it’s going to be a couple weeks possibly before I can swallow a swig of it after going to the 19^th century brewery.  Haha.  Oh my though, how beautiful some of the houses were….in some, I felt like I was in Dr. Quinn’s homestead before she married Sully, in other’s like I could possibly be in the Quinn house in Boston.  That’s the extremes.  I loved it though, and in one of the last houses that we had a chance to go into, I had memories of when I went to house in Rochester two years ago, to celebrate International Women’s Day.
   
   We also went to one of the museums, that held old clothing and had artwork.  How I dearly love to look at art, and see the magic a person has created with her or his own hands.  With the clothes though…even though some of it was pretty…you’d never catch me, I do believe, trying to wear any of that.  The waists were much too small, and I’d rather have comfort and air in my lungs than be constrained by a corset.
   
   My writer’s mind is pleased, as well as a bit of my soul.  Yes, I know, I may be a bit strange for saying that, but hell, I don’t care.
   
   
6. After the museum, and after lunch, when we got back to their house, I admit, I ended up falling asleep on their couch.  Jack had to wake me up eventually, and we went to a baseball game in Batavia.  It was a good game, from what I can collect, and I enjoyed the company immensely.  When we went to head back to our town, we stopped in the parking lot to watch the fireworks.  Thank the heavens for Jack, because with all those bangs, even though I enjoy the light and the sparks, I don’t know how well I would have remained standing, or if I could have kept myself from trying to shut all the sound out.

My friends have been so kind and good to me, seems even more so since I got my degree.  I may be stressing a lot lately, but I recognize what is good, what keeps me going, and that the universe or someone, is watching out for me.  Well, I’m sorry if this is rushed, but I’m extremely tired and have to make sure this posted before I decide to wake my youngest nephew up to start his day.  I’m going to make sure that this kid actually gets a nap later, so none of this sleep until 12:30 crap.  Haha.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

Possibility

I was afraid to hope

But I did it anyways.

You were the one I gave my heart to,

A piece of me is always yours

The way a piece of stardust

Will always belong to the infinite universe.

I’m still going to talk;

Still going to hold you in reverence.

My dreams were you

And now I’m going to fold them up

Like worn love letters

Into a heart-shaped box enclosed by ribs.

I’m going to give someone

That makes me feel like a princess of the fae

A chance.

He’s of a different sort than you

I feel it in my bones,

And even though I miss you,

I’m not going to pass up the possibility

Of an alternate future,

When there’s someone I feel for

Who adores me

And who is always there.

This is a new opportunity for me,

And I’m grasping straws these days

For things to keep me here,

So yeah, I hoped for us

And for the most part

I’ve given up on anything

But sporadic friendship.

Now, I’m afraid to not hope

That there may be something out there for me

To at least want my body

With all that goes with it:

The heart,

The mind,

The soul,

The woman inside…

To want all of it, enough to give

The terminology of “us”

A try.

Tug-a-War

I’ve got a tug-a-war

Going on in my mind.

Each opponents’ memories,

Ready to fight.

One with a kiss.

One with a touch.

Both raising up their feelings

Striking a chord within,

And I wish I wasn’t

Trying to achieve

The act of my heart in the balance—

An ocean, a sea of love or happiness,

Floating beneath.

It’s like I’m seeing

A two-sided coin.

I’m giving up and giving in

Wishing that magic would help me live,

Grant me access to some light,

Not just our lonely sins.

Running Out of Wishing Wells

I think I’m running out of wishing wells

The universe is full of stars, and I think they’ve lost their powers.

I never wished on the clock,

But I blew out candles with prayers upon my breath.

Each kiss in which I partook,

Were hopes locked on lips for the love that was within;

The other kisses, the ones with the others,

The ones without markers upon my heart,

They were skipping stones I threw across the water

Trying to find feeling inside and reach for a flutter like butterflies

            Those kind in your stomach, but few achieved it.

            None were the hopes though, the wishes backed with feelings

The kind that makes you cry at night

            And in the daytime.

I wish for you, even though my mind has said stop.

Told you I feared hope, but it’s settled in and I’m scared.

You’ve become silent when it comes to the matters of our hearts once again,

            And I have an inkling that you’re running once more.

            Can’t handle the commitment to someone that’s good for you.

            Can’t handle the commitment to the one you know you can’t erase.

I know I can’t erase, but I’m not waiting.

            Not anymore.

You have to decide, I’ll still come, I’ll still love you,

But no more excuses, no more withholding.

Take a stand, otherwise, we’ll just keep revolving like earth, sun, moon

            The axis going around

                        And around.

I’ve become dizzy.

I will do my best with my life, but please decide

The coin you toss into the air,

            That’s my heart

Heads,

            Face love, have love

Tails,

            Run, imagine, acquire love façade.

Go ahead, throw it into whatever wells you have left,

I know we’re both coming to spiraling ends going

            “Where’s a wish when you need one?”

Please…someone grant.

Wave a wand, breathe in

Let an angel brush against.

Find me. We’ll talk,

            I’m back

Here I am, je suis ici

Come to me

I’m still living.

Tick

Tick…Tick…Tick.

Tock.

Sometimes I just want to runaway,

Or let my feelings loose

Gather up all of my strength,

So that my silence is heard.

Chorus:

Ticking down the years,

I count up all the tears.

He’s lost his temper once again,

The essence of my fears.

I cringe from the fist,

That kind of blow that never comes.

All I get are bullets

Made of reactions and words.

Chorus

It seems I can’t escape,

Where you come from always weighs.

Just have to hold on

Until I get some peace.

Chorus

Tick…Tick…Tick.

Shhh…

What If?

I lay awake

In my bed

For endless nights, on end.

Thinking about the past

I can’t stand it,

The non-stop rants that play in my head.

I want to rip my hair out,

Since I can’t hurt you.

Instead I was the one with the pain,

And you only had pretend guilt.

I had fallen apart,

My friends and family watched

As I wasted away,

Because my heart was splattered on the pavement.

How could you leave me,

With nothing but arguing

And a “Fuck-you-goodbye!”

It was something that made me wish I were Anna

So I could jump in front of a train.

I had all my dreams wrapped up in you

Like pennies in a jar,

Adding to it with each detail

Of the happiness that you made my heart sing.

Cruel was life

To make me believe in soul mates and fate

And that two people were meant to be.

Yeah, sure, I can still believe in it for friends and family,

But happy endings are not for me

It seems.

You came back

About a month and a half since the mess

Sending me a massive text.

You said how you were sure

That I would never want to hear from you

And that you would never be able

To atone for every mistake you ever made toward me.

After all, you missed me.

You still cared for me.

Didn’t want to lose me,

Even though we couldn’t speak of our feelings.

You even went as far to say

That you had no excuse for what you did,

But then the rest of the message was just that—

An excuse.

Then we tried talking

But there were so many walls

Between us—

More than when we first met,

That it felt stilted and stiff,

As if I were speaking to a robot or mannequin.

We barely talked about our new lives,

Feelings and relationships of any kind

Were off limits,

As if I were some kid that tried crossing the line

In a museum of ancient artifacts.

One night, you texted in the early AM,

Like you used to do so often,

When we’d have our long talks

And be open.

One text, two text

Hope leaps in.

Something I swore

To forget even existed.

You wanted me to come

And stay the night that weekend.

I said I would try,

While inside I was excited and scared.

When I finally gave an answer

That equated to “I can’t,”

I tried to find a solution,

Have you over for a movie instead.

But you replied that you met someone new—

It was a well aimed poisoned dart.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I had given one too many chances to you.

You were the stable boy for the princess

That is how the fairy tales should go.

The guy falling for the one that was too good for him

And then letting her go

So she could spread her wings.

Ha! That’s a load of bull,

Because if true love existed,

We wouldn’t part,

You wouldn’t go.

I would’ve given up college,

I would’ve said goodbye to wanting to leave our state

To remain in our crummy town,

That we both hate.

I would’ve done it for you,

You were my true dream,

The clichéd heaven-on-earth.

I wanted what was best for you,

The rare few that cared, trusted, and believed in you.

I saw a future for you

When you were dismal and bleak,

Now that has turned into mine

When others ask what is in store for me

When it comes to the matter

Of love.

Of course I still dream.

I still have goals.

I will get my degree

And move out on my own.

I will find a way,

To make myself free—

But unfortunately

My heart is closed,

Because someone still holds the key.

That would be you,

Granted I hate to admit it.

I close my eyes

And you haunt me

Like drugs to an addict.

I want to wrench myself out

Of whatever we’re in,

And yet I cannot,

Because I’m left with

What if?