To Those You'd Stand By, What They Don't Realize

Ever stop to think: I love too much,

Too much of my heart is out there

Each person another piece

And I'm burning myself down--

Burning my heart out in order for each of them

To have some peace?

It's like an eternal flame,

Love. And it isn't just the kind in romance novels--

Crossed-stars. You don't need those kind of things

To give birth to broken hearts.

No, all you have to do is spread yourself thin

Throw your whole-self into the world that you've created.

Friends, the extended family that you'd die for without a blood connection.

It's funny in a way, at least for me.

I don't ask for much, I'm like a giving-tree.

I flower and bloom, spread my branches across

To touch the souls of each person I hold dear and would

And will, stand through every storm with--for;

I'm that person who every one uses as their pillar

And offer to do the same, but never give in...

Well, hardly--rarely, give in,

Because my soul aches each time that I throw myself on a line,

And something happens which I can't control.

You can't control the ones you love

Nor the things that happen to them, to you.

It's hard. Loving others and yet even though they say that they love you,

There is, matter of fact, a sea of souls who love you,

But in the end you don't believe that any of them would do if the chance were given

A fraction of what you would or have done.

Jaded.

Can trust them with your life,

Trust them to try to hold to their words,

Trust them to fight for you or by your side--

But...can't trust them with your heart.

Can't trust that they won't walk out.

Because even with all this love, you--no, me--

Am scared because those are the ones you'd bare it all

Open yourself up and let them see the weaknesses and the strengths,

But you mostly try to only show the good and not let on

That loving them hurts. And you can't change that.

You would rather be strong or make them laugh

Than show that you want more, need more

Are worried that you give more than they

And take less...no, I don't mean just materially.

Material, that's the least of what you think about,

It's not an emotion. It's what's left when you take all that away--

Who you are.

Do they love you enough to stay, when everything

Every fraction of you is stripped down to the raw.

I'm rambling on, I suppose you could say--

But that's what I do when my feelings are involved

And I feel so spread, that if a bird were to fly into the window of my soul--

It'd crack.

Sui-combustio

I'm blocking, hiding

Burying feelings deep inside chests with locks and keys

But my mind screams, you must confront!

Take and unlock--

Be undone.

You need to breathe, even if it's through tears.

It's keeping you from sleep

And you, you're killing part of your soul to move forward.

Can't you confront that there is no more forward,

Just what is, allow it to grow.

I can't though I want to scream,

My subconscious rattling the bars and ribs,

I cannot, for I will drown!

Why must you haunt me?

I'm trying to live,

I'm attempting to appear free,

You know I fear a cage, even though I must conceal part of myself,

Wrapped in chains around my invisible ankles,

To keep me from running to the one that holds me--

Alas, how I wish I were held,

But when I am, I toss and turn.

I don't wish to speak

Because if I do, if I let out all that I've suffocated in my heart,

Then I open myself up, to being hurt one last time--

One last time, because once that jar of dreams is open again,

I don't see myself rising from the ashes once more.

Tattooed Kill

Goddamn.

How it kills.

To see you.

Talk about, post, fall again in love

With another girl.

She isn't me.

It won't last.

When has it ever last?

But I want you happy.

I want nothing but good in your life.

I'll support you through the dark,

Help you find the light.

It kills though.

I can't look,

Because as I watch,

The heart that keeps you tethered--

But always hidden in the sidelines of your world,

I ache because it's like a tiny, slim blade

Is carving sketches of memories

And silence, into the organ in my chest.

Like a tattoo.

Because, I can't stop.

I try to move on, but the love is yours.

Yours alone.

And goddamn,

It kills.

You choose another girl over the one

Who truly loves you

With her soul.

I Wish I Could Say

There's so much that goes unsaid. Years and minutes, truths untold.
Said with the eyes, and thumbs that graze buttons but never type.
Hearts that ache, lips that sigh. Secrets held tight within the soul.
Hands clenched tight, bated breaths which linger.
My tongue halts behind the gates of closed teeth,
Wishing for the wants and truths to be seen.
Instead, I move forward, feelings behind closed screens.

Naked Soul

I have never felt so bare.

Not to another, not even to my mirror.

Everything is stripped away, my bones, my skin;

All my flaws, my traits, my shine--

Are on the top of the surface like sea foam

As you wade through it, see me from inside.

You pass easily through, and I'm nervous as hell.

I've been with many, naked flesh I'm confident with, no sweat.

You make me nervous though, more than any other has--

My knees quake a little, that I'm glad you've lain me down.

You're so sweet and kind, while I laugh from my heart.

I never thought of feelings being like this,

And it makes me feel more scared perhaps than I ever have been before.

You pinky-promise me, staring into my eyes--

Past all the layers, to my very soul, and part of me

Never wants to let you go.

Unfair Blatancy in the Psyche

Why? Why must guilt sear itself

Through my bones, my blood,

Each time I deign to be touched--

Crave to be wanted, excited, allow lust?

You don't even claim me

Yet you don't give me the chance to move forward.

We breathe different air

And yet, I feel like the one who suffocates.

You made your way

Into my soul. I was wary

But you persisted. And now you want

My patience and heart to persist

And pine. It isn't fair to me.

It isn't fair to my kind.

Traipse back in, when I was finally

Finding a way to ride crashing waves

Instead of falling beneath them--

My hand stretching out to reach through

The white foam of the sea-green water.

I fumble for the sky.

Where's my wings that I've learned to grow?

I was the one reminding others to

Let them show. Let them brew inside the stomach,

And break through the spine.

I feel the weight on my back,

But it's because of you. Of your power over my heart.

Real love usurps power--and not in the way

That I lavish and writhe in. No,

You are aware and yet use me as a toy

In a game I've tired of playing.

I let you tie me up, blind folds that slip just so

And ropes around my limbs, to move as you bid.

But you've taken me for granted.

You want this power. This control.

And try as I might to flutter on by--

You've got my soul.

Only You

You never stopped to think

That she could be the one.

Well, maybe you did, for a blink

Of a second. A heartbeat.

But you still kept talking to everyone

About your search, what you want.

Instead of staying awhile,

And getting to know every inch of her

Not just every inch of skin that your touches

Cause to vibrate from memories and sighs

But the soul’s mind-heart, that has grown

And altered. Instead of looking

You should be knowing. The woman

Before your eyes, that is always put to the side.

Don’t say the word love lightly.

Don’t say you wish and you want

If it will soon fall empty. Feeding lines

To a jaded heart, will eventually

Make that one numb. You keep hunting

And she’ll shut down. Chances have been given,

Only you can help the us now.

Dissonance

Sometimes I wonder

If perhaps my heart

Would have a better chance

In another world,

Or over across the ocean.

So many days,

I feel that pull

But I’m never sure if the place

That holds my love

Feels the draw that

Begs to be allowed to consume

The soul.

Maybe if I were to put distance—

A great divide,

The heart would stand a chance

For love without looking back.

Sure, communication

And memories, they wouldn’t have to cease

But like the beats of drum

The thrum would have more dissonance

Due to the branching of space,

Separating.

It’d alter the sounds,

Perhaps some silence.

Is there a chance?

Will the heart get such of one?

I don’t foresee it.

I’ll always end up losing,

He’ll always be the soul that won.

Fresh Twenty

**Wrote back in either November or December, just found it in my notebooks**

I have to stop myself

From scrolling though my contacts—

            Want to text,

            Want to call—

A stop sign appears in my head

And my fingers slam on the breaks.

I won’t be,

I can’t be,

The girl you left behind

            Fresh Twenty.

I don’t recognize that girl

When I look in pictures

            Compare them to the woman in the mirror,

There was less darkness and pain

            In oh so many ways!

I can see the hauntings in the dark brown recesses in the over-worn white now.

Windows to the soul the philosophers say,

Yes, if only you have a key, and even then

            I will hide a piece from you.

Breathe In

Breathe in,

Breathe out.

Let in,

I drown.

I want that love.

I survive without it.

The kiss at night

Within the silence.

Brush your hand

Against this soul

Do you feel

The cracks so old?

Remove the words

The unsaid and spoken.

Listen to the heartbeat

Please, take action.

Thump.

Flutter.

Still.

Together.

Train's Comin' In

Bridge:

Train’s comin’ in,

It’s my time, to get on it.

Got my past, in my bag

My dreams in my chest pocket.

Take me away, take me home

Take me to, where I belong.

Sun’s coming up and I’m taking chances

It’s my turn for no backward glances.

Chorus:

Hear that whistle, hear that moan

Got my heart, got my soul.

Faith and freedom keep me strong,

Love is what’s right and wrong.

Take me away, take me home

Take me to, where I belong.

Sinners and saints, they’ve got their places

I’m gonna bet all my aces.

Chorus

Take me away, take me home

Take me to, where I belong.

Heaven and Hell’s had a word with me,

My sanctuary is my humanity.

Chorus

Take me away, take me home

Take me to, where I belong.

Got my ticket in my hand,

It’s my life, my right to stand.

Bridge

Message in the Stall

I was in a bathroom stall,

Waiting to go to a lecture on Cognitive thinking—

And its place in society.

Whilst I read the scrawl on the enclosed wall,

My temper began to rise.

For incompetence was in front of my eyes.

Whomever had written in black Sharpie,

What she deemed “positive” and inspirational,

Should be clocked in the head with a two-by-four.

People with such ignorance to mix what she said next to

The good lines of “You are BEAUTIFUL”

And be-who-you-are statements,

That have long faded—

I’m sorry to say,

But I wish I could kick her ass.

I wonder how old she is,

What she has seen with her life…

A person who has faced the darkness

Would never say shit like that.

In uneven lining on the dirty surface,

This stranger had written:

“Giving up hope is the same as SUICIDE.”

Oh dear girl, how wrong you are,

Have you not known what either is like?

Well, it is evident you must not have,

Because one who has come near suicide,

Or lost someone close—

We know…oh yes, we KNOW

What it is that lurks inside

And what each entails.

You are thinking with the brainwashed mind

That anything negative is damnation, it appears.

Do you not realize

That even angels cry?

Saints have lost hope at times…not all of them committed suicide.

No, many pushed past, they found something within—

I think I see a paradox to the tale of Pandora’s box—

They did what they should have,

And many of them were killed,

Yet it was not by their own hand.

Dear girl, who writes on bathroom stalls,

Do me a favor, and look inside the human soul.

Do me a favor, and learn your history, psychology—

Understand the mind, the heart, the essence of humanity.

Here is a reminder, a quite real one at that

Before you start preaching and comparing a feeling to an act:

Hope can be regained,

A life cannot.

***Above is a picture of the real message the drove me to write this poem, written upon one of the stalls in Edwards Hall at the college I attend.

Previous State

I once was a romantic,

I was a fighter for love.

When I cared, I expanded my soul—

The casualty was my heart.

I waited, benched on the sidelines

For when contentment would increase—

Happiness achieved.

I wanted the amount of sacrifice,

The times I stepped aside,

To decrease.

Someone who felt so much,

And waited with a wary eye,

You’d think would deserve a special someone

The kind called “mine.”

Approach me, we’d do the dance.

I like you.

Hands held.

A kiss.

Foundation built, true friendship

What should equal reality’s form of bliss.

Another chunk of the beating organ,

Stolen from beneath my ribs instead.

Never again whole, cannot return

To previous innocence.

Artist

Artist.

The tortured one.

He lives in ink.

Belongs to none.

Never able to make up his mind.

Broke me,

My soul.

Made me stop believing.

The heart tries to go on,

While he haunts all memory.

Take your needle and your dye

It’s the only world

Where the true you lies.

Calling Out For Love

Come bring me home,

Sweet country sky.

I’ve been lost,

I will not lie.

I breathe in the air,

All sense is gone.

I cannot care,

Reopen my soul.

Chorus:

I feel my spirit in me,

It’s calling out for love.

I can feel my heart beating,

It’s calling out for love.

The sun shines down

And warms the grass beneath my feet.

Wind rushes through me,

Cleansing from head to toe.

Fire ignites to passion

Water is emotion.

When you’re by my side,

I’ll be home at last.

Chorus

Calling out for love.