Bruised Knees

I am on my knees

Not because of glory

Reach out your hand,

Help me up.

I’ve been broken but am determined to rise.

            I may not have been bled with red,

But tears have spilled on my face and smeared across

My love's chest as he's held me shaking

            And each porcelain piece of me

Spider-cracked

            And

He

            Just

Gripped me in his arms tighter to act as the glue

That allows me to go further...

The one you blessed me with even though

Soap opera, midnight drama

            Has multiplied by ten-fold in my life

Since you placed him in my life to finally be recognized

And to un-melt my heart and fill past-pains,

            Assist me in re-finding myself,

Allowing me to love again.

You have given him,

But I've been knocked down so many times,

            And only just gotten up,

A little harder each blending chapter--

That I for once, to the best of my memory,

            Have doubted and questioned You;

My faith. The road ahead.

Roads have been dark,

            But Heaven

I have often wondered if the stars,

            They still move.

Sui-combustio

I'm blocking, hiding

Burying feelings deep inside chests with locks and keys

But my mind screams, you must confront!

Take and unlock--

Be undone.

You need to breathe, even if it's through tears.

It's keeping you from sleep

And you, you're killing part of your soul to move forward.

Can't you confront that there is no more forward,

Just what is, allow it to grow.

I can't though I want to scream,

My subconscious rattling the bars and ribs,

I cannot, for I will drown!

Why must you haunt me?

I'm trying to live,

I'm attempting to appear free,

You know I fear a cage, even though I must conceal part of myself,

Wrapped in chains around my invisible ankles,

To keep me from running to the one that holds me--

Alas, how I wish I were held,

But when I am, I toss and turn.

I don't wish to speak

Because if I do, if I let out all that I've suffocated in my heart,

Then I open myself up, to being hurt one last time--

One last time, because once that jar of dreams is open again,

I don't see myself rising from the ashes once more.

Breaking Another

I jumped in too deep,

I gave my heart too quick.

This isn't me, and my soul's a little sick.

My gut's in knots, I'm a little suffocated,

And in order to breathe, I know I'll have to do

What's against what I want,

In order to receive, what I need.

Breathe. Air. Self. Me.

I must break another,

To save what I've worked hard to gain:

My sanity--

My identity.

For A Fleeting Moment

***Wrote this back in the Fall of 2012, just finished editing it***

For a fleeting moment

I wonder if I should care.

You came back in, beautiful words spilling from your fingertips.

The email was entitled,

            “Everything I Need to Say.”

I remember my heart slamming into my chest from the shock.

            Worse than each time, I saw that you had viewed my page.

What is there to say? It’s been a couple of months,

            Since you first found me, to speak, apologize—

But you never left the key.

You’re still the one with it, the one to my heart.

            No key for me

            Yet I am free….

For now it seems.

I am not vindictive, not the sort to want you to know what it’s like

To break…millions of little pieces of you floating around

As you scramble and fight to put yourself back together—

            But you won’t ever be the same.

Atoms rearrange.

There’s no returning to who, to what

The person you were in the past.

That’s me.

I broke and ran from who I was.

It took a few months; I built walls like you had preached of.

I drank to be drunk.

I smoked to shut off my brain.

I gave my body so I could feel, but not love.

God was with me, just waited for me to be somewhat sane

So I could face the hurt and pain—

            The fact of that matter was that I just couldn’t handle my big heart being squeezed.

I may be a sponge for information, for beauty

But my heart is no play thing.

I’m strong, always have been,

            Always will be.

My heart though, you left….

You made the center of my being, weak.

You have forever been my kryptonite.

My soul just had to be ready to once again stand.

That is when I completely forgave, free floated,

Connected.

Thought of lightning.

Dropped the chains, the what ifs, the could-have-beens.

Funny how you contact me

Not even four weeks after I finished my poem

Where I erased my pride, and was beginning again.