Sui-combustio

I'm blocking, hiding

Burying feelings deep inside chests with locks and keys

But my mind screams, you must confront!

Take and unlock--

Be undone.

You need to breathe, even if it's through tears.

It's keeping you from sleep

And you, you're killing part of your soul to move forward.

Can't you confront that there is no more forward,

Just what is, allow it to grow.

I can't though I want to scream,

My subconscious rattling the bars and ribs,

I cannot, for I will drown!

Why must you haunt me?

I'm trying to live,

I'm attempting to appear free,

You know I fear a cage, even though I must conceal part of myself,

Wrapped in chains around my invisible ankles,

To keep me from running to the one that holds me--

Alas, how I wish I were held,

But when I am, I toss and turn.

I don't wish to speak

Because if I do, if I let out all that I've suffocated in my heart,

Then I open myself up, to being hurt one last time--

One last time, because once that jar of dreams is open again,

I don't see myself rising from the ashes once more.

You Were the First Person

You were the first person, since the person I loved,

Who I deigned to let hold me, where it actually felt right. 

Where I was comfortable

And somewhat peaceful. 

It wasn’t my perfect,

My fairytale,

But it was right. 

I don’t regret it. 

In fact, I sort of miss it,

And I miss you. 

You are also the only other guy

I fell asleep next to,

Let alone in the arms of,

Besides the one my heart’s with, 

That I could fall asleep with so quickly—easily—

And slip away.

It hurts that you’re not around.

The silence,

The lack of laughter,

The music and eyes meeting.

You were a friend,

I still want you as a friend.

I thought I saw a beautiful soul, thirsty to grow.

Don’t stop growing,

But try to grow towards the sun,

Not the shadows.

You don’t belong in the shadows.

The shadows are where others like I, belong.

You may have been mean,

You may have done me wrong,

But I know I was doing wrong as well.

Trying to open the love sector of my heart,

To give you a chance outside of friendship,

Outside of attraction,

But my heart won’t turn off the love for the other.

Telling you I felt for you was wrong.

That was our mistake. Choking on the water.

I miss you, so yes, don’t stop the talk.

I know from my past, it won’t be the same,

But you are beautiful inside,

Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Don’t tell yourself different.

I never lied about what I saw,

So grow,

Open your leaves.

Offer another peace.

Offer yourself peace.

The Tempest's Hour

***For Madeleine***

Rubbing the lotion into my hands,

I stared at my computer screen, trying to make sense

Of the articles I had yet to read.

My phone buzzed and rattled against my wooden desk,

Startling me out of slipping through space.

A message popped up when I flipped it open

To view the text I had received.

A message crying for help,

Barely comprehensible—

But I knew my friend well,

I knew she needed me.

So dropping everything else,

No thought in my head but fear,

            Worry,

                        Care,

I grabbed my phone in a blur

Along with my keys

And flew out of my chair,

            Across my room,

                        Out my door

Without a blink.

I ran down the stairwell

That was stationed beside my suite

Not bothering to wonder if my bare feet would trip

Over one of the cement steps

Separating my floor

            From hers.

Bursting forth, I tried with no avail

To swing open her bedroom door

Petrified of what I might find,

            But knowing I needed to be inside.

It was locked and I pounded

Saying her name.

My Mia, my Anne,

In pain had to scrabble

To unlock the door

            In order for aid.

When I finally made it through,

I felt my heart in my throat

Air missing from my lungs.

My friend was a crumpled mess

On her bedroom floor.

I dropped my belongings on the ground,

Closed the door,

And knelt down beside her.

I still recall the lightness of her body

As I took upon myself to get her moved.

Together, we managed to get her arm

Around my neck,

And I bore the little weight with my short stature

Across the room—

Putting her to bed.

We laid there for two

            Or three

Hours, as I held her in my arms

Shaking, stuttering,

Telling me to only call for help if she began to choke.

And thoughts raced through my head

Of ways to keep things under control

            If I had to

Call

            And wait

                        For help.

I didn’t have to though,

Just spoke to keep with calm

While holding her one hand

As her other kept twitching against my chest.

She muttered and words tumbled from her mouth

As her meds began to set.

The night was silent

All except for our breath

            And the tension surrounding our bubble.

When I was sure

That she would sleep and that the terror

Of the midnight,

And the ticking had slowed—

I bid her sleep well,

Snatched up my things, still on the floor,

And crept out the door.

I felt as if gravity was wanting to push me

To kneel, as I made my way back to my own place.

The rest of the world became dark

I had a new focus in the lens of my mind.

I cried for a few more hours,

Barely sleeping before I had to again, rise,

To greet everyone,

            Act as if everything was the same.

As if I weren’t scared of losing my friend.

The realization that she could have died

And I was one sprouting new wings.

Hope flutters inside your soul.

It hits you that what you knew mattered,

            Matters more than before.

Life. It’s to be cherished.

Friendship—you hug it.

True ties, you don’t let go.

Fight.

Don’t take flight.

Love.

It’s been a year, since those hours passed

And inside I still at times, shed tears.

I can still hear the shake in her voice

And the mini-me in my head coaching me to be calm, seem serene.

I worry about her often still,

Even though we now know her diagnosis.

I miss her often, tensing to leap up when she needs me.

Many things in my life have made me grow up, too quickly at times

            Or in ways others had no need to.

It’s the way of life.

But two or three hours,

Spent in anxious pandemonium,

And the friendship that is now for life and time after,

Altered me, made me grow.

I can’t go back to the woman from before,

And nor would I wish to.

I count the blessings even more so,

And learned that my heart that I always thought too big,

Is the right size, even if it contains pain,

Because I know that if possible,

All becomes less meaningful if you don’t make sacrifice.

            If you don’t show the care you speak of.

                        If you don’t express the love in your veins.

My friends are my family, the ones where it’s not blood that matters.

It’s the actions, the heart—the hearts.

Small things, like holding the hand of a friend

When she’s in pain, when she’s feeling alone

Just giving support, showing that there’s real care,

Providing love. Can help make one strong.

Make the bond of friends stronger,

You both survive better, knowing there’s each other.

Holding on. Leaning on. Pulling through.

Miss Thermopolis is to me

As I am fairy-godmother to her.

We’ve experienced real magic:

Getting through a night of terror,

And never leaving one another—

Pixie dust slips into our veins—

Friends. Family.

A hopeful Tolkien, a dreaming Lewis.

Two women.

            Stand tall.

                        We are no man.

We take upon us, courage that we do not see in ourselves, to push on.

We live.

            We create.

                        We breathe in and out

                                    What is in our hearts.

We are the brightest stars, in the moonlight.

Refuting literal farewells.

Staying by and by, in the night,

Together greeting sunlight.

We glitter, even though we are not gold.