Clouds

Am I perhaps the sun-setting skies?

The ones with puffs of clouds, pink and purple hues shading into grays?

Softness and pain all rolling ahead, surrounding our hearts

Our minds filled with fogs, knowing we wish and we need,

To get through the dark because on the other side

There is nothing but freedom and no more lines,

Because all the boundaries lay here on earth.

Not in the heavens where our souls long to twine

Our feelings the different stars reaching--reaching out to touch,

Not just physically, but the way we were

Intimate with something more

The way we have an inkling that we're supposed to be someday,

But instead all that we have are walls,

Because we fear.

Neither of us wants to lose.

Neither of us can lose,

Because we don't want there to be an ending between our two hearts,

Unless it's where one stops beating

And the other stops breathing.

The Tempest's Hour

***For Madeleine***

Rubbing the lotion into my hands,

I stared at my computer screen, trying to make sense

Of the articles I had yet to read.

My phone buzzed and rattled against my wooden desk,

Startling me out of slipping through space.

A message popped up when I flipped it open

To view the text I had received.

A message crying for help,

Barely comprehensible—

But I knew my friend well,

I knew she needed me.

So dropping everything else,

No thought in my head but fear,

            Worry,

                        Care,

I grabbed my phone in a blur

Along with my keys

And flew out of my chair,

            Across my room,

                        Out my door

Without a blink.

I ran down the stairwell

That was stationed beside my suite

Not bothering to wonder if my bare feet would trip

Over one of the cement steps

Separating my floor

            From hers.

Bursting forth, I tried with no avail

To swing open her bedroom door

Petrified of what I might find,

            But knowing I needed to be inside.

It was locked and I pounded

Saying her name.

My Mia, my Anne,

In pain had to scrabble

To unlock the door

            In order for aid.

When I finally made it through,

I felt my heart in my throat

Air missing from my lungs.

My friend was a crumpled mess

On her bedroom floor.

I dropped my belongings on the ground,

Closed the door,

And knelt down beside her.

I still recall the lightness of her body

As I took upon myself to get her moved.

Together, we managed to get her arm

Around my neck,

And I bore the little weight with my short stature

Across the room—

Putting her to bed.

We laid there for two

            Or three

Hours, as I held her in my arms

Shaking, stuttering,

Telling me to only call for help if she began to choke.

And thoughts raced through my head

Of ways to keep things under control

            If I had to

Call

            And wait

                        For help.

I didn’t have to though,

Just spoke to keep with calm

While holding her one hand

As her other kept twitching against my chest.

She muttered and words tumbled from her mouth

As her meds began to set.

The night was silent

All except for our breath

            And the tension surrounding our bubble.

When I was sure

That she would sleep and that the terror

Of the midnight,

And the ticking had slowed—

I bid her sleep well,

Snatched up my things, still on the floor,

And crept out the door.

I felt as if gravity was wanting to push me

To kneel, as I made my way back to my own place.

The rest of the world became dark

I had a new focus in the lens of my mind.

I cried for a few more hours,

Barely sleeping before I had to again, rise,

To greet everyone,

            Act as if everything was the same.

As if I weren’t scared of losing my friend.

The realization that she could have died

And I was one sprouting new wings.

Hope flutters inside your soul.

It hits you that what you knew mattered,

            Matters more than before.

Life. It’s to be cherished.

Friendship—you hug it.

True ties, you don’t let go.

Fight.

Don’t take flight.

Love.

It’s been a year, since those hours passed

And inside I still at times, shed tears.

I can still hear the shake in her voice

And the mini-me in my head coaching me to be calm, seem serene.

I worry about her often still,

Even though we now know her diagnosis.

I miss her often, tensing to leap up when she needs me.

Many things in my life have made me grow up, too quickly at times

            Or in ways others had no need to.

It’s the way of life.

But two or three hours,

Spent in anxious pandemonium,

And the friendship that is now for life and time after,

Altered me, made me grow.

I can’t go back to the woman from before,

And nor would I wish to.

I count the blessings even more so,

And learned that my heart that I always thought too big,

Is the right size, even if it contains pain,

Because I know that if possible,

All becomes less meaningful if you don’t make sacrifice.

            If you don’t show the care you speak of.

                        If you don’t express the love in your veins.

My friends are my family, the ones where it’s not blood that matters.

It’s the actions, the heart—the hearts.

Small things, like holding the hand of a friend

When she’s in pain, when she’s feeling alone

Just giving support, showing that there’s real care,

Providing love. Can help make one strong.

Make the bond of friends stronger,

You both survive better, knowing there’s each other.

Holding on. Leaning on. Pulling through.

Miss Thermopolis is to me

As I am fairy-godmother to her.

We’ve experienced real magic:

Getting through a night of terror,

And never leaving one another—

Pixie dust slips into our veins—

Friends. Family.

A hopeful Tolkien, a dreaming Lewis.

Two women.

            Stand tall.

                        We are no man.

We take upon us, courage that we do not see in ourselves, to push on.

We live.

            We create.

                        We breathe in and out

                                    What is in our hearts.

We are the brightest stars, in the moonlight.

Refuting literal farewells.

Staying by and by, in the night,

Together greeting sunlight.

We glitter, even though we are not gold.

Lightning

A memory slips in.

My heart skips a beat.

I don’t know what to feel,

What to think.

My body shudders.

The earth turns on its axis.

Another year comes

And is gone.

Look to the night sky

As lightning strikes—

Remembering your soft lips

As we stood on the porch steps.

For months, after you left

I built walls, like yours.

I numbed myself when it came to men;

No one could get in.

Then one summer night,

I stood alone on a balcony,

My head tilted upward as I stared

At the stars up high.

A cool breeze brushed against my arms

As I slipped off my shoes, my feet bare,

I felt as my arms hung limply by my sides,

As the walls deteriorated

And all that was left,

Was the spirit, the essence,

The memory of my heartache—

That of me and you.

My breath was caught in my throat

As far in the distance,

Heat lightning flashed and fireworks exploded.

Imaginary arms wrapped themselves around me,

And in that moment,

Not only did I miss you,

I knew it was time to stop hiding—

Time to move on, move forward.

My heart couldn’t take it,

Someone driven by love and here on earth because of it,

Should not fear it.

Yes, you broke me.

It was like somehow the diamond in the rough,

Was ground to dust—

I was choking on it.

Tears flow freely,

Your name is a sting to my flesh.

The sight of you causes all my senses to crash.

As friends shake me, ask if I’m okay

But I’m just gone from this plane—

It’s a temporary escape.

One day, I shall face.

My prayer is to walk up to you,

I’ll smile—

For I was the angel you needed,

And nothing should be forgotten,

But from the depths of what is me,

I erase my pride.

All is forgiven.

My love for you, I’m sure will continue on,

Though the love for myself has grown.

And as I mark the end to my first twenty years,

I know now that life goes on

And there are chapters after Gursslin.

Peace for me; it does exist.

I can have happiness, and contentment once again,

No matter how fleeting,

It is there.

I hope you are well.

I send kisses on the beams of white light.

You’re welcome to enter my life again,

I’ll welcome you with open arms,

But leave the walls and veil,

At our history’s door.

I do not know what lies in store,

I just want you to know—

I’m doing alright on my own.

Look to the sky, when night falls

Think of me, the warmth of my hand

The friendship that shall always exist.

You are not alone, out there in the world,

I still care, you’ve got someone on your side.

Romantic entanglement—maybe it’s not for us,

Just follow your heart,

Let your spirit whisper—

Don’t tell it to hush like you used to.

True love happens when lightning strikes.

Heartache

I don’t want to be another heartache

You tell all the girls about—

The one’s you wanna get with

And let down.

I don’t wanna be that woman,

Another story,

Becoming your history,

Instead of you and me.

Chorus:

I wanna be the one you miss,

That you miss so bad.

I wanna be the one, you can’t live without,

And you wake up in fear that I’m gone.

But that’s just wishful thinking—

Thinking I was your number one.

You always said that I was different,

Finally wanted a chance

But then I turned around,

And got knocked flat on the ground.

With you all it ever took

Was a single word, just one look.

You tell every girl, you’re an open book

After all, you’ve always had me hooked.

Chorus

You walked away—

All I got was a text.

While the story you tell,

Is the heartache that I feel.

I breathe in and out,

Feel my heart clench—

Wait for it to dwindle,

You’re just another page of my past.

Chorus

Oh yeah, that’s just wishful thinking—

Thinking I was your number one.