There once was one boy
That I was close to willing
To take a leap with,
Hold hands and move forward—
Until, after I decided that perhaps I could do it,
I was just running scared,
I received an email
“I tried to love you”
As if when you have feelings for one another
You must love, immediately.
I don’t understand it.
If you know truth, reality,
The way relationships go,
Then you know that not all start with love,
Not all end with love.
I never loved any of the boys that I officially dated.
I only love one man, one soul.
My mind finds it baffling,
That one would use that as a reason for leaving
Before the real going has gotten tough.
Run children, you may be of age but you’re not grown.
I think that perhaps, that’s why over the years,
I’ve just taken lovers.
Lovers have no obligations.
Feelings are nonsense.
Once emotions arise outside of attraction,
The more you will fall.
Yes, I’d like a relationship.
I’m tired of the lovers, the quick seductions
Kicking the males out after fun has happened.
I miss the being held.
I miss the emotions—
But stupidity and excuses,
Not being mature to say you’re just not in it,
They continue to make me hide
Continue to make me shut down and grow cold
Unless it’s to be warm to receive a shock of warmth in turn.
Relationships.
Liking. Acceptance. Growing.
Love.
I want it.
I’m starting to see that I may need it.
But then I hear the excuses from over the years,
And my middle digit rises to imaginary ghosts—
A tell off, a screw off,
A wall to protect myself.
I’d run into one person’s arms,
One I can trust.
One who even with all the excuses
Has taken accountability
And has grown up
Realized truths.
And yet, I remain torn
And ragged
With the fear
Even though I know the heart’s truths.
Twice the man he was when a boy.
My ghost and my present,
The only ghost that makes me hope
And not close doors goodbye.
