Boys and Man

There once was one boy

That I was close to willing

To take a leap with,

Hold hands and move forward—

Until, after I decided that perhaps I could do it,

I was just running scared,

I received an email

“I tried to love you”

As if when you have feelings for one another

You must love, immediately.

I don’t understand it.

If you know truth, reality,

The way relationships go,

Then you know that not all start with love,

Not all end with love.

I never loved any of the boys that I officially dated.

I only love one man, one soul.

My mind finds it baffling,

That one would use that as a reason for leaving

Before the real going has gotten tough.

Run children, you may be of age but you’re not grown.

I think that perhaps, that’s why over the years,

I’ve just taken lovers.

Lovers have no obligations.

Feelings are nonsense.

Once emotions arise outside of attraction,

The more you will fall.

Yes, I’d like a relationship.

I’m tired of the lovers, the quick seductions

Kicking the males out after fun has happened.

I miss the being held.

I miss the emotions—

But stupidity and excuses,

Not being mature to say you’re just not in it,

They continue to make me hide

Continue to make me shut down and grow cold

Unless it’s to be warm to receive a shock of warmth in turn.

Relationships.

Liking. Acceptance. Growing.

Love.

I want it.

I’m starting to see that I may need it.

But then I hear the excuses from over the years,

And my middle digit rises to imaginary ghosts—

A tell off, a screw off,

A wall to protect myself.

I’d run into one person’s arms,

One I can trust.

One who even with all the excuses

Has taken accountability

And has grown up

Realized truths.

And yet, I remain torn

And ragged

With the fear

Even though I know the heart’s truths.

Twice the man he was when a boy.

My ghost and my present,

The only ghost that makes me hope

And not close doors goodbye.

What If?

I lay awake

In my bed

For endless nights, on end.

Thinking about the past

I can’t stand it,

The non-stop rants that play in my head.

I want to rip my hair out,

Since I can’t hurt you.

Instead I was the one with the pain,

And you only had pretend guilt.

I had fallen apart,

My friends and family watched

As I wasted away,

Because my heart was splattered on the pavement.

How could you leave me,

With nothing but arguing

And a “Fuck-you-goodbye!”

It was something that made me wish I were Anna

So I could jump in front of a train.

I had all my dreams wrapped up in you

Like pennies in a jar,

Adding to it with each detail

Of the happiness that you made my heart sing.

Cruel was life

To make me believe in soul mates and fate

And that two people were meant to be.

Yeah, sure, I can still believe in it for friends and family,

But happy endings are not for me

It seems.

You came back

About a month and a half since the mess

Sending me a massive text.

You said how you were sure

That I would never want to hear from you

And that you would never be able

To atone for every mistake you ever made toward me.

After all, you missed me.

You still cared for me.

Didn’t want to lose me,

Even though we couldn’t speak of our feelings.

You even went as far to say

That you had no excuse for what you did,

But then the rest of the message was just that—

An excuse.

Then we tried talking

But there were so many walls

Between us—

More than when we first met,

That it felt stilted and stiff,

As if I were speaking to a robot or mannequin.

We barely talked about our new lives,

Feelings and relationships of any kind

Were off limits,

As if I were some kid that tried crossing the line

In a museum of ancient artifacts.

One night, you texted in the early AM,

Like you used to do so often,

When we’d have our long talks

And be open.

One text, two text

Hope leaps in.

Something I swore

To forget even existed.

You wanted me to come

And stay the night that weekend.

I said I would try,

While inside I was excited and scared.

When I finally gave an answer

That equated to “I can’t,”

I tried to find a solution,

Have you over for a movie instead.

But you replied that you met someone new—

It was a well aimed poisoned dart.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I had given one too many chances to you.

You were the stable boy for the princess

That is how the fairy tales should go.

The guy falling for the one that was too good for him

And then letting her go

So she could spread her wings.

Ha! That’s a load of bull,

Because if true love existed,

We wouldn’t part,

You wouldn’t go.

I would’ve given up college,

I would’ve said goodbye to wanting to leave our state

To remain in our crummy town,

That we both hate.

I would’ve done it for you,

You were my true dream,

The clichéd heaven-on-earth.

I wanted what was best for you,

The rare few that cared, trusted, and believed in you.

I saw a future for you

When you were dismal and bleak,

Now that has turned into mine

When others ask what is in store for me

When it comes to the matter

Of love.

Of course I still dream.

I still have goals.

I will get my degree

And move out on my own.

I will find a way,

To make myself free—

But unfortunately

My heart is closed,

Because someone still holds the key.

That would be you,

Granted I hate to admit it.

I close my eyes

And you haunt me

Like drugs to an addict.

I want to wrench myself out

Of whatever we’re in,

And yet I cannot,

Because I’m left with

What if?