I lay awake
In my bed
For endless nights, on end.
Thinking about the past
I can’t stand it,
The non-stop rants that play in my head.
I want to rip my hair out,
Since I can’t hurt you.
Instead I was the one with the pain,
And you only had pretend guilt.
I had fallen apart,
My friends and family watched
As I wasted away,
Because my heart was splattered on the pavement.
How could you leave me,
With nothing but arguing
And a “Fuck-you-goodbye!”
It was something that made me wish I were Anna
So I could jump in front of a train.
I had all my dreams wrapped up in you
Like pennies in a jar,
Adding to it with each detail
Of the happiness that you made my heart sing.
Cruel was life
To make me believe in soul mates and fate
And that two people were meant to be.
Yeah, sure, I can still believe in it for friends and
family,
But happy endings are not for me
It seems.
You came back
About a month and a half since the mess
Sending me a massive text.
You said how you were sure
That I would never want to hear from you
And that you would never be able
To atone for every mistake you ever made toward me.
After all, you missed me.
You still cared for me.
Didn’t want to lose me,
Even though we couldn’t speak of our feelings.
You even went as far to say
That you had no excuse for what you did,
But then the rest of the message was just that—
An excuse.
Then we tried talking
But there were so many walls
Between us—
More than when we first met,
That it felt stilted and stiff,
As if I were speaking to a robot or mannequin.
We barely talked about our new lives,
Feelings and relationships of any kind
Were off limits,
As if I were some kid that tried crossing the line
In a museum of ancient artifacts.
One night, you texted in the early AM,
Like you used to do so often,
When we’d have our long talks
And be open.
One text, two text
Hope leaps in.
Something I swore
To forget even existed.
You wanted me to come
And stay the night that weekend.
I said I would try,
While inside I was excited and scared.
When I finally gave an answer
That equated to “I can’t,”
I tried to find a solution,
Have you over for a movie instead.
But you replied that you met someone new—
It was a well aimed poisoned dart.
I knew it was too good to be true.
I had given one too many chances to you.
You were the stable boy for the princess
That is how the fairy tales should go.
The guy falling for the one that was too good for him
And then letting her go
So she could spread her wings.
Ha! That’s a load of bull,
Because if true love existed,
We wouldn’t part,
You wouldn’t go.
I would’ve given up college,
I would’ve said goodbye to wanting to leave our state
To remain in our crummy town,
That we both hate.
I would’ve done it for you,
You were my true dream,
The clichéd heaven-on-earth.
I wanted what was best for you,
The rare few that cared, trusted, and believed in you.
I saw a future for you
When you were dismal and bleak,
Now that has turned into mine
When others ask what is in store for me
When it comes to the matter
Of love.
Of course I still dream.
I still have goals.
I will get my degree
And move out on my own.
I will find a way,
To make myself free—
But unfortunately
My heart is closed,
Because someone still holds the key.
That would be you,
Granted I hate to admit it.
I close my eyes
And you haunt me
Like drugs to an addict.
I want to wrench myself out
Of whatever we’re in,
And yet I cannot,
Because I’m left with
What if?
