Autumnal Goodbye

I stare out the window at the blustery autumn leaves,

Thinking of how this time last year

            Was full of turmoil and stress

Where we digressed and our souls took to wanting

Hibernation in our chests.

            We clung to those we still loved, while I also held tight

To the man I now consider my one.

            You could have won you know,

If you knew how to grow up before

            It was

                        Too late.

Like Peter Pan, the man I used to love

            Is still a boy. I grew up though,

And you weren't ready.

            He was. He is.

Now unlike last year, instead of pulling close

            And standing united,

Just as the red leaves,

            You remain in my veins--

But the faith and strength that was our love, our past,

The friendship tied with one love--

            You fall,

Fall down on cold ground and

You resurrect the queen who finally

            Must give up the knave that held

Her soul,

            Swearing  to keep it safe,

But has bruised and used it

            To where you were so close--

The last straw in this barren month

Where the ripest of apples are born

            And pressed and cooked

Into sweetness renewed; you taught

The queen how to be cold as fae may be,

            And he brought the warm

Fire that thawed his way to the side

            By me to be my king, humbling but raw.

You encased our endurance while creating

            Space for him and the ice walls, yourself.

I shall miss you, but I've changed

            And spread my wings that were

Once shattered; to rise as you stand low.

Towering over me, I no longer recognize

            The boy I gave my all, a stranger in my eyes.

I do not cry as I used to though;

Maybe we had to become close again,

            Tighter than we'd ever been,

So you could see what you'd miss and took for granted,

While I learned the difference between

A thimble and a compass.

I'm as naked as the trees become before my eyes,

But safe as the bark that has grown harder

            And beautiful

In its rough glory.

I'll miss the old you, the us in Neverland.

It's just time for me to grow up

            As you continue with the lost boys,

Skipping lightning across the water

            With all the rocks that eventually sink to the bottom;

Our memories, laughter, kisses, and friendship

Haze over our minds.

I'll love you always as I often told you I will and would,

It's just time that while I had faith and trust,

To leave and move on from the piece of my heart

            That only held pixie dust.

In All Ways

**Actually wrote this back in November, during a class, and just discovered my notebook **

A dream is a wish your heart makes, supposedly.

If this is true, I’d give up everything—

If I could always have, me and you.

Take my hand, don’t let go.

I’m tired of standing on my own.

I’d have all I’ve ever wanted

If I’d never have to say goodbye.

Je t’adore, te amo

In all ways, I love you

We take the beauty and the flaws

Our hearts are at the center of love’s laws.

What If?

I lay awake

In my bed

For endless nights, on end.

Thinking about the past

I can’t stand it,

The non-stop rants that play in my head.

I want to rip my hair out,

Since I can’t hurt you.

Instead I was the one with the pain,

And you only had pretend guilt.

I had fallen apart,

My friends and family watched

As I wasted away,

Because my heart was splattered on the pavement.

How could you leave me,

With nothing but arguing

And a “Fuck-you-goodbye!”

It was something that made me wish I were Anna

So I could jump in front of a train.

I had all my dreams wrapped up in you

Like pennies in a jar,

Adding to it with each detail

Of the happiness that you made my heart sing.

Cruel was life

To make me believe in soul mates and fate

And that two people were meant to be.

Yeah, sure, I can still believe in it for friends and family,

But happy endings are not for me

It seems.

You came back

About a month and a half since the mess

Sending me a massive text.

You said how you were sure

That I would never want to hear from you

And that you would never be able

To atone for every mistake you ever made toward me.

After all, you missed me.

You still cared for me.

Didn’t want to lose me,

Even though we couldn’t speak of our feelings.

You even went as far to say

That you had no excuse for what you did,

But then the rest of the message was just that—

An excuse.

Then we tried talking

But there were so many walls

Between us—

More than when we first met,

That it felt stilted and stiff,

As if I were speaking to a robot or mannequin.

We barely talked about our new lives,

Feelings and relationships of any kind

Were off limits,

As if I were some kid that tried crossing the line

In a museum of ancient artifacts.

One night, you texted in the early AM,

Like you used to do so often,

When we’d have our long talks

And be open.

One text, two text

Hope leaps in.

Something I swore

To forget even existed.

You wanted me to come

And stay the night that weekend.

I said I would try,

While inside I was excited and scared.

When I finally gave an answer

That equated to “I can’t,”

I tried to find a solution,

Have you over for a movie instead.

But you replied that you met someone new—

It was a well aimed poisoned dart.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I had given one too many chances to you.

You were the stable boy for the princess

That is how the fairy tales should go.

The guy falling for the one that was too good for him

And then letting her go

So she could spread her wings.

Ha! That’s a load of bull,

Because if true love existed,

We wouldn’t part,

You wouldn’t go.

I would’ve given up college,

I would’ve said goodbye to wanting to leave our state

To remain in our crummy town,

That we both hate.

I would’ve done it for you,

You were my true dream,

The clichéd heaven-on-earth.

I wanted what was best for you,

The rare few that cared, trusted, and believed in you.

I saw a future for you

When you were dismal and bleak,

Now that has turned into mine

When others ask what is in store for me

When it comes to the matter

Of love.

Of course I still dream.

I still have goals.

I will get my degree

And move out on my own.

I will find a way,

To make myself free—

But unfortunately

My heart is closed,

Because someone still holds the key.

That would be you,

Granted I hate to admit it.

I close my eyes

And you haunt me

Like drugs to an addict.

I want to wrench myself out

Of whatever we’re in,

And yet I cannot,

Because I’m left with

What if?

Goodbye Dreams

Chorus:

Hello darling,

It’s been a long time coming,

I have to say goodbye,

To every dream I’ve had

To our happy ending.

If I had your baby

She’d have emerald eyes

And auburn hair;

She’d be the little witch

Claiming every man’s heart

Once she turned sixteen.

She’d have out love wrapped round her heart,

Before she was even three.

She’s the baby I’ve dreamt of

Since I was fifteen—

But now she’s wrentched from me,

These childless arms will never get to hold her.

Chorus

I’m not going to have the small wedding anymore

Little church in the middle of no where

White with no cross decorating the rooftop,

Just a choir of angels singing from heaven above,

As the hundered or so people would come in,

To sit on my side or yours.

And as I would walk down the aisle,

I’d only want simple vases of flowers sitting in the windows,

Our eyes would lock

And you’d be all in black, no tie or bow;

We’d be saying out vows

And be a family forever.

Chorus

It’s been a long time coming,

I have to say goodbye,

To every dream I’ve had

To our happy ending.

Pretend That You're Dead

This hurts,

This is painful.

Hell is finally freezing over,

And I’m doing something that I never thought

I would do.

Chorus:

Because this is the time

That I finally have to say goodbye,

And the only way that I can deal with this grief

Is to pretend that you’re dead;

Pretend that you’re dead in my world

And that I’ll never get to see you again,

Never hear your voice again.

Because you decided to cut the ties,

After all these years,

I guess the past five have all been lies—

So I’m going to shed a few last tears

It’s time to move on,

You’re no longer here.

Chorus

Maybe you met somebody new,

But I’m done second guessing

Everything that you’ve said and done—

Just going to cherish all the memories

Reminisce knowing that it wasn’t my fault,

Remember the man I loved who wasn’t

Leaving me in the dust, alone.

Chorus

Pretend that you’re dead

Because I’m done and you’re oh so gone.

You’re out of my life.

Chorus

Oh no, I’m just going to pretend that you’re dead.