Autumnal Goodbye

I stare out the window at the blustery autumn leaves,

Thinking of how this time last year

            Was full of turmoil and stress

Where we digressed and our souls took to wanting

Hibernation in our chests.

            We clung to those we still loved, while I also held tight

To the man I now consider my one.

            You could have won you know,

If you knew how to grow up before

            It was

                        Too late.

Like Peter Pan, the man I used to love

            Is still a boy. I grew up though,

And you weren't ready.

            He was. He is.

Now unlike last year, instead of pulling close

            And standing united,

Just as the red leaves,

            You remain in my veins--

But the faith and strength that was our love, our past,

The friendship tied with one love--

            You fall,

Fall down on cold ground and

You resurrect the queen who finally

            Must give up the knave that held

Her soul,

            Swearing  to keep it safe,

But has bruised and used it

            To where you were so close--

The last straw in this barren month

Where the ripest of apples are born

            And pressed and cooked

Into sweetness renewed; you taught

The queen how to be cold as fae may be,

            And he brought the warm

Fire that thawed his way to the side

            By me to be my king, humbling but raw.

You encased our endurance while creating

            Space for him and the ice walls, yourself.

I shall miss you, but I've changed

            And spread my wings that were

Once shattered; to rise as you stand low.

Towering over me, I no longer recognize

            The boy I gave my all, a stranger in my eyes.

I do not cry as I used to though;

Maybe we had to become close again,

            Tighter than we'd ever been,

So you could see what you'd miss and took for granted,

While I learned the difference between

A thimble and a compass.

I'm as naked as the trees become before my eyes,

But safe as the bark that has grown harder

            And beautiful

In its rough glory.

I'll miss the old you, the us in Neverland.

It's just time for me to grow up

            As you continue with the lost boys,

Skipping lightning across the water

            With all the rocks that eventually sink to the bottom;

Our memories, laughter, kisses, and friendship

Haze over our minds.

I'll love you always as I often told you I will and would,

It's just time that while I had faith and trust,

To leave and move on from the piece of my heart

            That only held pixie dust.

Boys and Man

There once was one boy

That I was close to willing

To take a leap with,

Hold hands and move forward—

Until, after I decided that perhaps I could do it,

I was just running scared,

I received an email

“I tried to love you”

As if when you have feelings for one another

You must love, immediately.

I don’t understand it.

If you know truth, reality,

The way relationships go,

Then you know that not all start with love,

Not all end with love.

I never loved any of the boys that I officially dated.

I only love one man, one soul.

My mind finds it baffling,

That one would use that as a reason for leaving

Before the real going has gotten tough.

Run children, you may be of age but you’re not grown.

I think that perhaps, that’s why over the years,

I’ve just taken lovers.

Lovers have no obligations.

Feelings are nonsense.

Once emotions arise outside of attraction,

The more you will fall.

Yes, I’d like a relationship.

I’m tired of the lovers, the quick seductions

Kicking the males out after fun has happened.

I miss the being held.

I miss the emotions—

But stupidity and excuses,

Not being mature to say you’re just not in it,

They continue to make me hide

Continue to make me shut down and grow cold

Unless it’s to be warm to receive a shock of warmth in turn.

Relationships.

Liking. Acceptance. Growing.

Love.

I want it.

I’m starting to see that I may need it.

But then I hear the excuses from over the years,

And my middle digit rises to imaginary ghosts—

A tell off, a screw off,

A wall to protect myself.

I’d run into one person’s arms,

One I can trust.

One who even with all the excuses

Has taken accountability

And has grown up

Realized truths.

And yet, I remain torn

And ragged

With the fear

Even though I know the heart’s truths.

Twice the man he was when a boy.

My ghost and my present,

The only ghost that makes me hope

And not close doors goodbye.