To Those You'd Stand By, What They Don't Realize

Ever stop to think: I love too much,

Too much of my heart is out there

Each person another piece

And I'm burning myself down--

Burning my heart out in order for each of them

To have some peace?

It's like an eternal flame,

Love. And it isn't just the kind in romance novels--

Crossed-stars. You don't need those kind of things

To give birth to broken hearts.

No, all you have to do is spread yourself thin

Throw your whole-self into the world that you've created.

Friends, the extended family that you'd die for without a blood connection.

It's funny in a way, at least for me.

I don't ask for much, I'm like a giving-tree.

I flower and bloom, spread my branches across

To touch the souls of each person I hold dear and would

And will, stand through every storm with--for;

I'm that person who every one uses as their pillar

And offer to do the same, but never give in...

Well, hardly--rarely, give in,

Because my soul aches each time that I throw myself on a line,

And something happens which I can't control.

You can't control the ones you love

Nor the things that happen to them, to you.

It's hard. Loving others and yet even though they say that they love you,

There is, matter of fact, a sea of souls who love you,

But in the end you don't believe that any of them would do if the chance were given

A fraction of what you would or have done.

Jaded.

Can trust them with your life,

Trust them to try to hold to their words,

Trust them to fight for you or by your side--

But...can't trust them with your heart.

Can't trust that they won't walk out.

Because even with all this love, you--no, me--

Am scared because those are the ones you'd bare it all

Open yourself up and let them see the weaknesses and the strengths,

But you mostly try to only show the good and not let on

That loving them hurts. And you can't change that.

You would rather be strong or make them laugh

Than show that you want more, need more

Are worried that you give more than they

And take less...no, I don't mean just materially.

Material, that's the least of what you think about,

It's not an emotion. It's what's left when you take all that away--

Who you are.

Do they love you enough to stay, when everything

Every fraction of you is stripped down to the raw.

I'm rambling on, I suppose you could say--

But that's what I do when my feelings are involved

And I feel so spread, that if a bird were to fly into the window of my soul--

It'd crack.

First Week

I jumped into this, headlong, fast

Saying to take it slow but the emotions move quick

I've never been the kind of girl to fall with speed

But I've never had a guy make me cry because he loved me.

I want to make things work,

I'm in love for the second time and it somewhat hurts

My world's upside down, spinning like a top

And there's so many times my stomach's already in knots.

I'm scared and yet I'm staying, but there's already stupid fighting

I'm rooting my feet in but I already feel as if I can't do anything right

I'm told not to blame myself, but it's hard when the one

Is telling you that he's going to try hard not to think bad thoughts about you.

There may be bad from the past for both sides,

But at least I'm not letting it make me want to hide.

The worst part is, I feel the happiest I have in ages,

And yet I want to burn my skin because of the pains and sadness, too.

It's already a push and shove, trying to hold on to who I am

I don't want to lose me, my self, and I'm told to stay true to my heart

But my mind is influenced by my emotions and all I feel is as if I'm about to drown

With him as the raft keeping me from submersion.

Naked Soul

I have never felt so bare.

Not to another, not even to my mirror.

Everything is stripped away, my bones, my skin;

All my flaws, my traits, my shine--

Are on the top of the surface like sea foam

As you wade through it, see me from inside.

You pass easily through, and I'm nervous as hell.

I've been with many, naked flesh I'm confident with, no sweat.

You make me nervous though, more than any other has--

My knees quake a little, that I'm glad you've lain me down.

You're so sweet and kind, while I laugh from my heart.

I never thought of feelings being like this,

And it makes me feel more scared perhaps than I ever have been before.

You pinky-promise me, staring into my eyes--

Past all the layers, to my very soul, and part of me

Never wants to let you go.

Boys and Man

There once was one boy

That I was close to willing

To take a leap with,

Hold hands and move forward—

Until, after I decided that perhaps I could do it,

I was just running scared,

I received an email

“I tried to love you”

As if when you have feelings for one another

You must love, immediately.

I don’t understand it.

If you know truth, reality,

The way relationships go,

Then you know that not all start with love,

Not all end with love.

I never loved any of the boys that I officially dated.

I only love one man, one soul.

My mind finds it baffling,

That one would use that as a reason for leaving

Before the real going has gotten tough.

Run children, you may be of age but you’re not grown.

I think that perhaps, that’s why over the years,

I’ve just taken lovers.

Lovers have no obligations.

Feelings are nonsense.

Once emotions arise outside of attraction,

The more you will fall.

Yes, I’d like a relationship.

I’m tired of the lovers, the quick seductions

Kicking the males out after fun has happened.

I miss the being held.

I miss the emotions—

But stupidity and excuses,

Not being mature to say you’re just not in it,

They continue to make me hide

Continue to make me shut down and grow cold

Unless it’s to be warm to receive a shock of warmth in turn.

Relationships.

Liking. Acceptance. Growing.

Love.

I want it.

I’m starting to see that I may need it.

But then I hear the excuses from over the years,

And my middle digit rises to imaginary ghosts—

A tell off, a screw off,

A wall to protect myself.

I’d run into one person’s arms,

One I can trust.

One who even with all the excuses

Has taken accountability

And has grown up

Realized truths.

And yet, I remain torn

And ragged

With the fear

Even though I know the heart’s truths.

Twice the man he was when a boy.

My ghost and my present,

The only ghost that makes me hope

And not close doors goodbye.

The Tempest's Hour

***For Madeleine***

Rubbing the lotion into my hands,

I stared at my computer screen, trying to make sense

Of the articles I had yet to read.

My phone buzzed and rattled against my wooden desk,

Startling me out of slipping through space.

A message popped up when I flipped it open

To view the text I had received.

A message crying for help,

Barely comprehensible—

But I knew my friend well,

I knew she needed me.

So dropping everything else,

No thought in my head but fear,

            Worry,

                        Care,

I grabbed my phone in a blur

Along with my keys

And flew out of my chair,

            Across my room,

                        Out my door

Without a blink.

I ran down the stairwell

That was stationed beside my suite

Not bothering to wonder if my bare feet would trip

Over one of the cement steps

Separating my floor

            From hers.

Bursting forth, I tried with no avail

To swing open her bedroom door

Petrified of what I might find,

            But knowing I needed to be inside.

It was locked and I pounded

Saying her name.

My Mia, my Anne,

In pain had to scrabble

To unlock the door

            In order for aid.

When I finally made it through,

I felt my heart in my throat

Air missing from my lungs.

My friend was a crumpled mess

On her bedroom floor.

I dropped my belongings on the ground,

Closed the door,

And knelt down beside her.

I still recall the lightness of her body

As I took upon myself to get her moved.

Together, we managed to get her arm

Around my neck,

And I bore the little weight with my short stature

Across the room—

Putting her to bed.

We laid there for two

            Or three

Hours, as I held her in my arms

Shaking, stuttering,

Telling me to only call for help if she began to choke.

And thoughts raced through my head

Of ways to keep things under control

            If I had to

Call

            And wait

                        For help.

I didn’t have to though,

Just spoke to keep with calm

While holding her one hand

As her other kept twitching against my chest.

She muttered and words tumbled from her mouth

As her meds began to set.

The night was silent

All except for our breath

            And the tension surrounding our bubble.

When I was sure

That she would sleep and that the terror

Of the midnight,

And the ticking had slowed—

I bid her sleep well,

Snatched up my things, still on the floor,

And crept out the door.

I felt as if gravity was wanting to push me

To kneel, as I made my way back to my own place.

The rest of the world became dark

I had a new focus in the lens of my mind.

I cried for a few more hours,

Barely sleeping before I had to again, rise,

To greet everyone,

            Act as if everything was the same.

As if I weren’t scared of losing my friend.

The realization that she could have died

And I was one sprouting new wings.

Hope flutters inside your soul.

It hits you that what you knew mattered,

            Matters more than before.

Life. It’s to be cherished.

Friendship—you hug it.

True ties, you don’t let go.

Fight.

Don’t take flight.

Love.

It’s been a year, since those hours passed

And inside I still at times, shed tears.

I can still hear the shake in her voice

And the mini-me in my head coaching me to be calm, seem serene.

I worry about her often still,

Even though we now know her diagnosis.

I miss her often, tensing to leap up when she needs me.

Many things in my life have made me grow up, too quickly at times

            Or in ways others had no need to.

It’s the way of life.

But two or three hours,

Spent in anxious pandemonium,

And the friendship that is now for life and time after,

Altered me, made me grow.

I can’t go back to the woman from before,

And nor would I wish to.

I count the blessings even more so,

And learned that my heart that I always thought too big,

Is the right size, even if it contains pain,

Because I know that if possible,

All becomes less meaningful if you don’t make sacrifice.

            If you don’t show the care you speak of.

                        If you don’t express the love in your veins.

My friends are my family, the ones where it’s not blood that matters.

It’s the actions, the heart—the hearts.

Small things, like holding the hand of a friend

When she’s in pain, when she’s feeling alone

Just giving support, showing that there’s real care,

Providing love. Can help make one strong.

Make the bond of friends stronger,

You both survive better, knowing there’s each other.

Holding on. Leaning on. Pulling through.

Miss Thermopolis is to me

As I am fairy-godmother to her.

We’ve experienced real magic:

Getting through a night of terror,

And never leaving one another—

Pixie dust slips into our veins—

Friends. Family.

A hopeful Tolkien, a dreaming Lewis.

Two women.

            Stand tall.

                        We are no man.

We take upon us, courage that we do not see in ourselves, to push on.

We live.

            We create.

                        We breathe in and out

                                    What is in our hearts.

We are the brightest stars, in the moonlight.

Refuting literal farewells.

Staying by and by, in the night,

Together greeting sunlight.

We glitter, even though we are not gold.

Again

I said I wouldn’t

But I did.

That hope I tried

To refuse,

It flooded in.

And now here I am,

Here I stand

Scared and still

That you will

Break my heart again.

One Last Time

I walked across the park

Just to reach your house—

It was pouring rain and lightening out,

I was dripping wet

As I walked slowly to your door.

My clothes were like a second skin

As I passed over that last step.

Chorus:

Lord, won’t you help me out

I’m scared of what he might say

He walked out of my life

And I’m fighting to get him back.

Once again, one last time

Heaven above, won’t you help me out.

I knocked three times

My fist frozen stiff,

Hitting the wood and the glass,

Hoping all my fear would pass—

I can do this I prayed

Just going to try, to stand my ground.

Baby, if you answer that door

Please don’t turn me out.

Chorus

I could hardly see past my eyelashes

As I waited hopping from on foot to the other

Balancing on all my last nerves

And holding my breath—

This is my last chance—

My heart’s slowing down;

An there you are…

One last time…

Once again…