Slow Motion

The brake peddle slowly meets the floor

As I reach in the center to change gears from drive

            To park.

I'm anxious and my nerves are buzzing.

I want to just slam and throw,

But take the extra seconds

To slow down--

I breathe with the forced gravity

I send to my bones.

Twenty seconds, that's the only time I steal for myself alone

Before I focus on not running, falling--

Not before I meet comfort in your arms,

I must be in the moment.

Too many times, emotions override or detachment

            Takes my place--

Not tonight though.

I refuse to let it.

The last time I got to be near you--

Be near you for more than hands held,

Grasped tight,

A fleeting hour,

Wish glass would break--

I'd lost my strength.

My self.

Clouds drew in, charcoal and grey.

My silver lining and moon were driven away,

Silent and unlit blues and reds

Disappeared in the distance as I stood.

Stood as if life ebbed away with each tear

Breeching the barricades of mascara-ed lashes

And staining my porcelain cheeks

            Ready to crack.

That day has haunted and provided sleepless nights.

Restless nights.

Nights of longing,

            Terror,

                        Sadness,

            Tossing-turning,

                        And ache-filled

            Dreams when my body could do nothing

But shut down from pushing--

The strides I took to fill all the minutes

            Between that goodbye moment

And the next kiss.

Every kiss.

Embrace.

Felt my soul wearing away, for I'd for the balance.

            The yin to my yang.

I was alive but not living.

Just praying.

            Hating. Damning.

                        Loving.

I'd have knelt in your favorite green summer dress,

On bare jagged stones until my knees bruised

            If it brought you home.

Now as I fight the tears of joy that wish to fill my eyes

Since the moment you called, surprising me with the news I'd hoped for--

And all the seconds I've bounced on my toes

Counting down time until I could arrive to this now:

I look down as I speed-walk,

Knowing that with my luck that my shoes

Will slide off or send me head-long

On the sidewalk if I most too quick--

I think for a second that I should have bought

            The other shoes we'd looked at just weeks before.

A small segment of me self-conscious--

            Knowing you'll point out that these black clogs

I've already scuffed,

Don't match my chocolate brown dress pants and silky flowered-blue top--

But I can't find it in me to care as my feet carry me closer

Jacket unzipped and wide-open, hair in disarray,

            To the store where with my friends

I'm told that you await.

I hesitate half a breath before the glass door with the open sign beckoning

And see you in the middles of everyone else

            Though I love them, they're blurred in the edges.

I burst through a lose all breath

            Because the bad has faded the moment I see you

In your black-grey striped sweatshirt and ruffled clean clothes--

My home is free....

And our group jumps to the side

As I nearly tackle you with my arms thrown wide around your nexk

No worries of falling,

Because as always

            You catch me and keep me standing.

Heart.

            Break.

                        Breath.

                                    Catch.

With a kiss I never want to end,

You set me down,

And I'm okay with facing the world.

To Those You'd Stand By, What They Don't Realize

Ever stop to think: I love too much,

Too much of my heart is out there

Each person another piece

And I'm burning myself down--

Burning my heart out in order for each of them

To have some peace?

It's like an eternal flame,

Love. And it isn't just the kind in romance novels--

Crossed-stars. You don't need those kind of things

To give birth to broken hearts.

No, all you have to do is spread yourself thin

Throw your whole-self into the world that you've created.

Friends, the extended family that you'd die for without a blood connection.

It's funny in a way, at least for me.

I don't ask for much, I'm like a giving-tree.

I flower and bloom, spread my branches across

To touch the souls of each person I hold dear and would

And will, stand through every storm with--for;

I'm that person who every one uses as their pillar

And offer to do the same, but never give in...

Well, hardly--rarely, give in,

Because my soul aches each time that I throw myself on a line,

And something happens which I can't control.

You can't control the ones you love

Nor the things that happen to them, to you.

It's hard. Loving others and yet even though they say that they love you,

There is, matter of fact, a sea of souls who love you,

But in the end you don't believe that any of them would do if the chance were given

A fraction of what you would or have done.

Jaded.

Can trust them with your life,

Trust them to try to hold to their words,

Trust them to fight for you or by your side--

But...can't trust them with your heart.

Can't trust that they won't walk out.

Because even with all this love, you--no, me--

Am scared because those are the ones you'd bare it all

Open yourself up and let them see the weaknesses and the strengths,

But you mostly try to only show the good and not let on

That loving them hurts. And you can't change that.

You would rather be strong or make them laugh

Than show that you want more, need more

Are worried that you give more than they

And take less...no, I don't mean just materially.

Material, that's the least of what you think about,

It's not an emotion. It's what's left when you take all that away--

Who you are.

Do they love you enough to stay, when everything

Every fraction of you is stripped down to the raw.

I'm rambling on, I suppose you could say--

But that's what I do when my feelings are involved

And I feel so spread, that if a bird were to fly into the window of my soul--

It'd crack.

Some Things Are Hard To Say

People in a small town

They like to laugh,

About good hearted things,

Stupid things,

And things that crack people’s hearts.

Not all things should be used

As a joke

            As a pun.

Some talk about what has happened to them.

Some have worked to see justice done.

Others remain silent, to avoid the

            Spotlight.

Communities, especially those in a small town,

Or close-knit social groups,

They tend to have a knack

For pointing the beam

            The finger

Ready to hurt people more

Whether or not they mean to,

Because words find blame.

            Words are blame.

Whether or not

A person has chosen

To speak, it does not mean

That there’s not something wrong;

            That there’s not a pain

Fighting and drowning.

Perhaps they’re scared.

Perhaps they don’t feel safe.

Perhaps they’re still working up the strength.

Perhaps they don’t want

            To be made as a victim.

Perhaps they’re just trying to hold on

            Maintain who they are

Allow you to keep the façade.

But even as a community of two

            Or two million—

It is the duty of others to respect.

What happened to true respect?

People need to feel like they won’t be judged,

Like there is a haven,

Otherwise, they may just be struggling

            Locked in the inside,

Waiting with time.

Not Gonna

I don’t hear you.

I don’t see you.

And then there you are;

I’m not gonna hide.

Coming in, you want to fix things,

But there’s not much that you can do,

After you smashed my heart like broken glass.

Chorus:

There’s no fixing to what you broke before.

There’s no changing back after all this hurt.

I’m not the one that made you my world.

I can’t let you in, I’m done giving chances.

Some of my friends,

All agree, you’ve downgraded.

What does the other have to offer

When I gave you everything?

People have it in their heads,

That I’m gonna take you back,

But I’m smarter than that.

Chorus

Chorus

Anymore

Don’t turn away,

Don’t walk away

Come here and face me.

Time we laid all the chips and cards down

It’s time we talked,

And it wont be easy.

Bridge:

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But your words no longer hurt me;

No, you can’t hurt me anymore.

You took my heart,

You made and broke me,

You were my happy place,

Come here and tell me how

I can replace all of what you’ve done

And what you did to crack me.

Bridge

Because I am stronger,

Did you think that I’d let myself

Love you forever and ever?

You’re wrong, I’m not your slave

Honey, you’ve misplayed the game

And now you’re left all alone.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But your words no longer hurt me anymore.

Pretend That You're Dead

This hurts,

This is painful.

Hell is finally freezing over,

And I’m doing something that I never thought

I would do.

Chorus:

Because this is the time

That I finally have to say goodbye,

And the only way that I can deal with this grief

Is to pretend that you’re dead;

Pretend that you’re dead in my world

And that I’ll never get to see you again,

Never hear your voice again.

Because you decided to cut the ties,

After all these years,

I guess the past five have all been lies—

So I’m going to shed a few last tears

It’s time to move on,

You’re no longer here.

Chorus

Maybe you met somebody new,

But I’m done second guessing

Everything that you’ve said and done—

Just going to cherish all the memories

Reminisce knowing that it wasn’t my fault,

Remember the man I loved who wasn’t

Leaving me in the dust, alone.

Chorus

Pretend that you’re dead

Because I’m done and you’re oh so gone.

You’re out of my life.

Chorus

Oh no, I’m just going to pretend that you’re dead.