New World

I have come to a conclusion:

I am not the black sheep

            As I always had come to believe;

I am of the New World, New Order

            While they are of the old.

That is why similarities and cores are the same,

But I never fit. Like a circle

            Trying to be contained in too small

Of a box. They often kept me deflated

And when I attempted to breathe--

            Expand,

I would be pushed back down.

Now I am free and

            They try to catch

And contain me as I've spun

Off the designated axis,

            To revolve around a sun

Of my own design.

I'm Invincible

You say that I'm invincible

And my heart makes a sort of squeak

            In gratitude.

How'd I find a love who not only adores

            Every flaw, quirk, weird imperfection

And thinks so highly of me?

You say someone's got to,

Since I don't seem to myself.

I appreciate that the stars found me

Someone who's been through darkness

But breaks the clouds in mine.

I've pushed forward with obstinacy,

            Pride--

However, you pull me forward with

            Embracing moon shine.

A life raft on the tides;

You bring goodness that I don't give myself.

You say that I'm invincible,

When I feel the pull of my skin by my eyes,

The heaviness of headaches from too much stress,

            Overloads of anxiety kept bound

By tension in my muscles, tendons

Turning my small and fragile warrior's body

            Hard in knots.

I cringe at touch from aching joints that

            Are too stubborn to move with ease

And nerves extra sensitive to pressure.

By my emotions worn, my mind overworked

            With thoughts and mental processes.

I see everything that I have to fight through each day

            When I wake, that so many don't acknowledge

That I try to keep on the D and L as it all breaks me down.

You asked me just the other day

As to why I say

            That I am incredibly blessed to have you--

Well, you say that I'm invincible,

Even with my obstacles large and small.

You remind me of who I am,

That I don't have a quitter's soul,

And when I twitch to raise my hand in surrender,

You tell me you love me and whisper in my ear,

Just to remind me: I'm invincible.

Slow Motion

The brake peddle slowly meets the floor

As I reach in the center to change gears from drive

            To park.

I'm anxious and my nerves are buzzing.

I want to just slam and throw,

But take the extra seconds

To slow down--

I breathe with the forced gravity

I send to my bones.

Twenty seconds, that's the only time I steal for myself alone

Before I focus on not running, falling--

Not before I meet comfort in your arms,

I must be in the moment.

Too many times, emotions override or detachment

            Takes my place--

Not tonight though.

I refuse to let it.

The last time I got to be near you--

Be near you for more than hands held,

Grasped tight,

A fleeting hour,

Wish glass would break--

I'd lost my strength.

My self.

Clouds drew in, charcoal and grey.

My silver lining and moon were driven away,

Silent and unlit blues and reds

Disappeared in the distance as I stood.

Stood as if life ebbed away with each tear

Breeching the barricades of mascara-ed lashes

And staining my porcelain cheeks

            Ready to crack.

That day has haunted and provided sleepless nights.

Restless nights.

Nights of longing,

            Terror,

                        Sadness,

            Tossing-turning,

                        And ache-filled

            Dreams when my body could do nothing

But shut down from pushing--

The strides I took to fill all the minutes

            Between that goodbye moment

And the next kiss.

Every kiss.

Embrace.

Felt my soul wearing away, for I'd for the balance.

            The yin to my yang.

I was alive but not living.

Just praying.

            Hating. Damning.

                        Loving.

I'd have knelt in your favorite green summer dress,

On bare jagged stones until my knees bruised

            If it brought you home.

Now as I fight the tears of joy that wish to fill my eyes

Since the moment you called, surprising me with the news I'd hoped for--

And all the seconds I've bounced on my toes

Counting down time until I could arrive to this now:

I look down as I speed-walk,

Knowing that with my luck that my shoes

Will slide off or send me head-long

On the sidewalk if I most too quick--

I think for a second that I should have bought

            The other shoes we'd looked at just weeks before.

A small segment of me self-conscious--

            Knowing you'll point out that these black clogs

I've already scuffed,

Don't match my chocolate brown dress pants and silky flowered-blue top--

But I can't find it in me to care as my feet carry me closer

Jacket unzipped and wide-open, hair in disarray,

            To the store where with my friends

I'm told that you await.

I hesitate half a breath before the glass door with the open sign beckoning

And see you in the middles of everyone else

            Though I love them, they're blurred in the edges.

I burst through a lose all breath

            Because the bad has faded the moment I see you

In your black-grey striped sweatshirt and ruffled clean clothes--

My home is free....

And our group jumps to the side

As I nearly tackle you with my arms thrown wide around your nexk

No worries of falling,

Because as always

            You catch me and keep me standing.

Heart.

            Break.

                        Breath.

                                    Catch.

With a kiss I never want to end,

You set me down,

And I'm okay with facing the world.

Want to Try

I fall into pieces

And I keep hoping

That you'll look my way.

I stumble, this isn't what I'm used to--

I loved for so long, hid away.

I crash and I bury

I cry but I can't let it be seen.

It's time for me to open now that it's all closed, behind me.

Rearrange, these atoms that form my skin

At night when I close my eyes,

It's all darkness with blasts of light.

I want to try you out,

See if we're a fit and I just want to try,

This isn't me but I like you too much to not try.

I've been on this wheel called life for too long

Been carrying my burdens, sharing them with no one.

I want to be loved, not just the lover--

I want to see the world, see it in your eyes

I've fallen in pieces, but for the future I'm willing--

I'm willing to bring all the skies, and wrap them around me tight.

Possibility

I was afraid to hope

But I did it anyways.

You were the one I gave my heart to,

A piece of me is always yours

The way a piece of stardust

Will always belong to the infinite universe.

I’m still going to talk;

Still going to hold you in reverence.

My dreams were you

And now I’m going to fold them up

Like worn love letters

Into a heart-shaped box enclosed by ribs.

I’m going to give someone

That makes me feel like a princess of the fae

A chance.

He’s of a different sort than you

I feel it in my bones,

And even though I miss you,

I’m not going to pass up the possibility

Of an alternate future,

When there’s someone I feel for

Who adores me

And who is always there.

This is a new opportunity for me,

And I’m grasping straws these days

For things to keep me here,

So yeah, I hoped for us

And for the most part

I’ve given up on anything

But sporadic friendship.

Now, I’m afraid to not hope

That there may be something out there for me

To at least want my body

With all that goes with it:

The heart,

The mind,

The soul,

The woman inside…

To want all of it, enough to give

The terminology of “us”

A try.

Tennessee Ticket

Here some memories do reside

Separate from the past I wish to hide

I’m riding this train

To follow the path to a Southern life

Fight against my Yankee past.

Chorus:

It’s a new start for me,

Now I get hit retry

Instead of constant repeat.

This Tennessee ticket

Is my ticket to new love, new life

Rebirth—it’s my turn to breathe.

I’m escaping to a new life

Grasping for the ladder rung;

Climb out of the dark hole

That I’ve been swimming in.

Give me that fresh air,

Take me to Music Drive.

Chorus

I’m leaving the life I had behind me

My family still loves me,

Know their baby girl has to do this

It’s time for a change

But a piece of my heart will always follow—

My faith will keep me strong.

Chorus

It’s a new start for me,

Now I get to hit retry,

Time to edit my everything,

No more constant repeat.

This Tennessee ticket

Is my ticket to new love, new life.

Yeah, this Tennessee ticket

Is my ticket to new love and new life.