**Wrote this October/November**
This isn’t another forlorn, love-sick song of mine,
Lamenting of the love we never had, or the love that we did share.
This is me coming out to you, telling you how I feel.
Must I scorn you? I feel I must.
For how you could leave me like a piece of trash,
On the side of the road, treating me like past girls have treated you?
I deserve better, no, I deserve so much more than just “better.”
Haven’t you noticed,
I’m fighting like a demon,
Kicking and scratching,
I’m fighting,
I’m fighting you.
Want a challenge?
I’m challenging the new you that seems to have taken over.
The you that doesn’t seem to give a damn anymore.
You gave up so easily with all of the girls that hurt your heart,
And now you’re giving up before the tough even started.
Well, I’m not like you. I’m not giving up. I’m not giving in.
I am your forgotten dream, don’t you realize that?
You once told me the three things that you desired in a girl,
You wanted someone that would never cheat on you—
I am your answer.
You wanted someone that inspired you—
You said I inspired you with how much I care.
You wanted someone as carefree as yourself,
Well, come on, I have become more carefree as the years have grown,
I’ve become more carefree since my accident last spring;
I’m pretty sure that my tattoos and my smoking of my nickname have been proof enough of that.
I’m not that little high school girl from your senior year anymore,
I’m a grown woman, and whether I wanted to or not—
I even fought the becoming—
I have become more and more of a mold of which you were meant to love.
You were the one that started it all; I want you to remember that.
I had learned to be content with just being friends, for that’s what you told the fifteen year old me, that that’s what we’d ever be.
Listen to me, now I’m twenty and I’m tired of the ups and downs, these turn rounds—
But this one-eighty, now Hell, that’s what you’ve thrown me into with this damned one-eighty;
I want a three-sixty; I want the real you back.
You were the one that came to me, telling me that you had been harboring feelings for me for two years, you know the ones that you felt when you were with the girl that you swore was your soul mate—
Here’s a question oh friend, how can a girl be your soul mate, for when you went to bed, it was of me that you dreamt?
I told you that you had to wait, because I didn’t know how I felt;
I mean, you threw your feelings at me and I never saw them coming
For I had buried mine a long time ago and moved on, tried dating other people—
But no, you and fate just wouldn’t let me be, always popping up and interfering with my deluded happiness.
Fortune had it, that I returned your feelings, and felt the same...
However, I let mine return slowly and kept my walls up for as long as I could,
Ah, if it weren’t for that day where you met me outside the courthouse with just your sneakers, cut-up jeans, unzipped white sweatshirt at the bus stop,
And we walked to the park where you picked flowers for friends as we talked.
Then with your swagger, we went to a small hill in the park, and laid there with your friends
Talking about nothings and staring up at the sunny cloudless sky.
You peeked up from beneath your fedora from time to time
And with those long eyelashes of yours curtaining your hazel eyes that you know that make me weak, those eyes that are a witch’s envy and my kryptonite—
You froze me and struck me and had my heart forever and I damn that moment to the devil’s hollow, for that is when you took me for your prisoner and have since held me captured.
Then I started college and just one look at you when I returned for Labor Day,
Had all of my walls disintegrating and I fell quickly
And I think I’ve fallen on my face and stubbed my toes because Cupid’s unlucky arrow pierced me,
And I think he hit me more than once, because no matter how I have run, I still tumble down this winding hole of romance and withdrawal like Alice down her acid-tripping rabbit hole.
I was condemned the day that you stepped foot on my college doorstep,
Well even before that…more like when I went to fetch you with my best friend.
We pulled up in front of the apartment and you got in the back seat,
And you wanted to show me along the car ride, how you can make your hands cold upon demand,
You touched my bare shoulders—
I was wearing my orange halter-top that day, do you remember, with my hair down and my makeup natural
I had put so much work into looking perfect for you, a doll really, your plaything for eternity.
When your hands touched my skin, I swear I shivered
Like a spirit had passed through me and I could barely breathe.
We are connected you dumb fool, even a blind man can see—
So why can’t you, or do you have so many walls up that you are blinded by what God sets down right in front of you, over, and over, and over again?
I remember that night…I think it was one of the first that you actually relinquished your guard and opened your heart to me,
That night was the tipping of the balance that led to more of an “us” and “you and me” than just you and me as friends.
We laid in my bed, do you remember?
You counted my heartbeats with your head against my chest,
Slowly ticking down the thump-thump-thump…thump, that you said was unlike any other.
And then we moved around so that we were side by side,
And we talked for…I don’t remember how long, and then you said
That you almost forgot; you leaned over me, balancing all your weight on your forearms—
And kissed me our first kiss, and now I have to fight back the tears because that kiss was the sweetest I’ve ever tasted, ever felt.
It was like two pieces of silk fabric moving against once another, soft and slow—
And I moved my hands into your dark brown hair that makes me think of a deep mahogany bark that’s almost black, if it were made of feathers.
You even took my hands as we made out and pinned them over my head with just one hand, like a shackle.
That night was our favorite shared memory of the two of us,
The first time you remember me ever coming out of my shell—
The first moment you realized that I could be yours—
That I could fulfill each wish.
And then there was that time that I was riding back a from short road trip with my friends,
We were coming back through our hometown from Pennsylvania just to see if you were awake,
And you were and you stood outside waiting for me,
You reminded me of a nineteen-twenty’s scene,
Dressed in a long dark trench coat leaning against the wall of the downstairs restaurant,
Your hat tipped forward and your cigarette billowing smoke from your left hand—
You were a mysterious figure
As our carload of people clunked down the empty road
At two-something in the morning.
It was gently snowing out and seemed like I was in a black and white movie
But I could hardly pay attention to the surrealism,
I tried jumping out of the car once,
I was such a bundle of nerves bouncing in my seat, but the door hit a snow bank
So I had to wait until my best friend backed the car up, or was it forward? I can’t remember that detail, I was so excited.
When the car finally came to a halt however, I do remember:
I jumped out of the car, straight into your arms, which brought me close and slightly lifted me so I was on my tiptoes,
And we kissed and expressed how much we missed,
And then the next thing I knew I was spending the night and you never let me go until I left.
Don’t you remember that romantic picture moment one bit, or did it fade like all photographs?
Remember how we went a whole summer without seeing each other, indeed, about six months or more had passed,
And I left my two male friends early who are like brothers to me, who protect me where they can, and when I let them.
I walked up to the park pavilion where you told me you would come,
Because even though you had such a busy day,
You still skateboarded to there
Out of breath
Popping between your lips another cigarette,
Just to spend ten minutes with me.
Ten minutes to someone is such a short time,
But to me it was enough to get me by.
And when you left, you rocked on your board
As I held you back from going
Just to reach up and give you a small kiss.
I needed that, and don’t lie—
I know you needed it more than I.
And after that, I had four day weeks in school
So I would crash at my best friend’s parent’s house to be with her and her sister
And while she was at work, you would skateboard from your apartment to see me from anywhere from half an hour to an hour…
Remember, you skateboarded to see me, not the other way around.
And then the biggest memories of all, the summer of twenty-eleven
I was down visiting The South, and after almost five years, you finally asked me out
You finally admitted that you loved me
You told me that you liked having me in your arms and that I calmed you down and made you feel normal
You said you would make it all official once I came back
You said you wanted to have me in your arms and kiss me good night and wake up with me in the morning,
You thought then you wouldn’t feel so scared and alone….
Scared and alone, let me see here, why did you feel that way?
You felt like that, because I wasn’t there and because you were sick and needed the one person that cared and would take care of you in anyway I could.
Huh, I’m pretty sure I struck the part of me that scares you the most:
It’s the fact that I care, I care so much
And even though you admire that, it scares you.
I’m right, aren’t I?
You told me you loved me and missed me time and time again,
My texting inbox was full of love or so I thought,
And when I came back to New York we did everything in our power to try to see one another.
And oh, how you were sweet to me even though you were ill and didn’t know what was wrong with you;
My sister and her boyfriend kept me up all night fighting,
And you stayed on the phone with me answering my sleepy random questions,
Until I fell asleep with my phone in my hand.
And then August fifth came around
And the force of us needing to see each other was so strong,
That I concocted a plan with my group,
That I would come over to their place so that my parents wouldn’t know,
And then three hours later, you drove up in your mom’s car
And waited for me patiently until my friends would relinquish me.
When we got back to the apartment where you used to live
I said hi to your mom before heading into your room,
I loved the Rugrats drawing you did on your wall,
And next thing I knew, you were taking me in your arms
And we just stood there, you holding me like I would disappear if you let go
But you knew I wouldn’t for I am not the kind to disappear, unlike you.
We moved to the bed and I snuggled close,
As you tried finding something on NetFlix for us to watch—
What was the one thing we actually watched straight through?
I think it was called the “Happy Forest” or some cartoon with a name similar to that,
Don’t take my word for it, for I can’t remember the title clearly,
But I remember that it was grotesque and that it was weird watching all these cute little animals
Die incomprehensible unreal deaths…I mean, a pink bunny being whacked by a helicopter wing?
Only a true stoner would watch that…oh yeah, you are a true stoner.
Just one who hasn’t smoked in a few months because it makes his throat constrict;
I guess that’s what you get for when you’re about to do something that cannot be foreseen,
Your sickness was karma taking its due before you erased me.
We talked and you told me how you overdramatized and were afraid that you could have cancer,
Because that’s all that could be wrong with you since doctor’s couldn’t give you straight answers.
Ha! That’s just your manic depression whispering bad thoughts in your ear, when you should’ve been listening to me.
I remember, laughing, because you thought that I was in normal clothes, so you asked me if I wanted to borrow something to sleep in…I probably should have said yes, so that I could have you against me all night long.
And that was the night, that everything changed for me.
We kissed, our kisses deepened.
You brought me close to you, and I held your face close to mine.
You had to pull back, because it was so intense, you couldn’t breathe.
But kissed me you did, and the more you did the more you explored my body.
And you said that if I wanted to do anything, go any further—
I would have to be the one to initiate it.
Initiate I did.
I got you on your back and straddled you, never losing eye contact.
I stripped off my blue and white lace and cotton tank.
Leaned in and kissed you hard as you sat up.
You took off your t-shirt and then unclasped my white bra,
Letting my breasts fall down from their support waiting for you to taste.
You leaned up and bent your head and suckled at each breast
Calmed my rising nerves with just your tongue.
I was so relaxed, in the way that only you have ever been able to make me mellow.
Just your presence comforted me and that is why I chose you for my first,
Wanted you for my first.
Yes, I loved you as well, but being with someone that makes you feel so as ease
And you know everything will be okay in that one moment,
That is why I chose you.
I chose you, so you must be deserving of my heart in some way.
We rolled to our sides and then everything started to become a blissful fog
You kissed me deeper, no longer pulling back and I wanted you so bad.
I told you and you said that I knew what I had to do,
So we both began stripping off what was left of our clothes,
And you went to your dresser—
The one closest to your bed, and went into the top drawer, left corner
To get out a condom.
I was nervous but my nerves were smothered with excitement and ease.
You put it on, and spread my legs—
Crawling up between them until our lips meshed.
You asked if I was ready, you asked if I was sure.
All I could answer was a quiet, breathless yes—
And next thing I knew, I wasn’t a virgin anymore
And you and I were connected
Not just by body but I know our spirits which have always been intertwined, rejoiced.
You turned “South Park” up, for we didn’t know how loud it would get
And we lasted for more than two hours,
The two of us
Going at it.
I would say more, but I think I’ve jogged your memory enough as to what happened that night.
Let your memory take you back,
Feel the goodness of it
That contentment that we both felt,
Especially laying in each other’s arms
And my skin so flushed.
I would also say more, but with the present
This past memory hurts too much.
I think it is the worst one that you gave me,
Because it equates such happiness for me—
You’re a liar, that’s all I have to say.
You who told me that you would always be there for me
You who said that you would always tell me the truth because you hate lies…
Is that why you vanished, because you can’t face the truth and don’t wish to lie?
I’m so confused.
I know you didn’t break contact just because we had sex,
Otherwise you would have quit me sooner than a month later.
You needed me still however, I know—
Your grandmother died and she was like a mother to you, I know
And that’s when so much of the change in you began to occur—
I felt sorry for you, but I tried so hard to get you out of the shell you were creating,
It was unhealthy and I know you tried to save her,
I know you held her limp body in your arms,
But you’re not going to get her back,
She lived her life, however short
And I know she would want you to live yours
And I know that you know that life isn’t worth living unless you have someone to love,
Love is most important;
But I guess you want to dishonor anyone who ever did anything for love,
Like her taking you in and raising you,
By pushing love away and treating me bad.
I’m sure if your grandmother knew me and knew of our past,
She would wrap you upside your thick-skulled head.
And you still talked to me even though you grieved!
I mean, hello, you kept me in the loop about your sickness and doctor’s appointments
Every single one of them, up to the last one before your last surgery.
That was the last time we talked, you telling me that the doctor said that you had an abscess on your tonsils and the basic procedure that would have to be done.
I remember that date:
September seventh;
I mean, how can I not, with it being the last time you ever spoke a word to me…
That’s a twisted way to say goodbye you know, you S.O.B.—
Tell me how a doctor’s appointment went and then cut me out of your life like a was meant only to be a few good memories,
Another girl counted on your abacus,
Or another memory to take into account when you design your next tattoo.
I had thought about asking you to do mine, when I get more down the road,
But how can I even be a customer when you won’t answer?
You know what; I could give each date of those three Fridays that we spent the night together,
Even though we only slept together that one:
September twenty-fifth two-thousand-nine to Saturday the twenty-sixth.
February twelfth two-thousand-ten to Saturday the thirteenth.
And the grand finale, August fifth two-thousand-eleven to Saturday the sixth.
Ironic that each night that lead to the next one was a Friday, huh?
Ironic that as you lost someone you love, your love for me slowly dwindled—
For as the month went on, you said you loved me less often,
You missed me less often,
But you still needed me.
Even if you didn’t tell me,
You knew I would wait for you; that no man would compare to you
No other man had a place in my heart,
When I asked you out myself, you had said yes but to hold off because you had so much on your plate—
You knew that I would understand, and I told you I wasn’t going anywhere.
You didn’t have to worry about us.
I loved you anyway.
That was my problem,
I always loved you anyway.
You haven’t talked to me in a month, well, it’s been over a month now—
And I tried to get you to talk to me,
I texted you,
I called you,
And I sent you a letter in your birthday card as my last resort to try to wake you up
Maybe it would actually get something out of you
If I told you how much it hurt that you were ignoring me,
But obviously, it didn’t—
You go on as if I’m out of existence.
But I ask you this, how are you even a man
When you can’t face me in person when I’m right next door?
You live in your grandmother’s old house now,
And one time, I was staying over at my best friend’s parents for the weekend,
We were heading out to the reservation to get her dad his cigarettes,
And then heading to the Cider Mill and the Cheese Factory
To get ourselves some treats,
And there you were outside your door,
Holding the door open for your mother and two other people—
You were always a gentleman.
But here’s the thing, I know you saw me
Walking down the stone path to the car, chattering away
And we both know I stopped the minute I noticed you
And I know it’s because of me that you disappeared so quickly back into your house.
And then there was this one time,
The next weekend later—
Me and my gang of friends were out and about,
Taking a break from the college life
The sisters were inside getting ready
As the rest of us waited outside for them
So we could go back to Brockport for bowling and the midnight movie.
My best friend’s boyfriend, who is like the big brother that takes care of me
And who is a hell of a good guy, on of the few,
And I, sat on the truck of the old Chevy car, relaxing against the back windshield—
And wouldn’t you know it, I hear small wheels on pavement,
Rolling down the center of the street,
And my eyes snapped forward.
Even in black I knew it was you, no matter how small you seemed
No matter the distance, and I know that as you got closer
Even though I was in black myself,
I’m pretty sure that with my pale face and my voice loud,
You knew it was me sitting there and following you with my eyes
As I acted like nothing had changed,
But the truth is I was frozen until you were out of sight—
And I swear you tried pulling your hoodie’s hood to cover your face as soon as you were on the porch.
What, do you think that I’m stupid?
Life now, is a struggle.
My mother tells me, since you my last attempt to talk was fruitless
To pretend that you’re dead—
You’re dead to my world
And oh my God, the grief of losing of friend,
Except this friend, I have no gravestone to visit,
To let my tears puddle on the granite
And watch as mold grows in the crevices of the words over the years.
Nope, you are the friend without the grave,
And I grieve.
I am the beauty burned.
Did you know that I still cannot sleep,
Unless I fall asleep on my right side like I did when we fell asleep to Talladega Nights,
I have to pretend that your body is there next to mine,
Otherwise I can’t sleep one peep for hours on end;
It was the same after each time we slept in the same bed,
I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless my body was in the position it was when we laid down our heads.
And when I do sleep,
I have nightmares that make me smile
And wake me with an unsettled heart.
In one of them that I had,
My father had a heart attack,
And I had hardly any friends left in our hometown;
I called you crying,
And said that I knew that you didn’t want anything to do with me,
But I needed someone and had no one else;
The next thing I knew,
You were there at the ER, comforting me, holding me in your arms
Protecting me against the rest of the world—
Holding my fear at bay.
And then there was another one,
One where I was strong,
I walked up to your house
It was pouring rain,
And I was such a nervous wreck, you know, the kind where your nerves feel like they’re racing along on a train track—
And as my hand shook,
It froze in a fist
And I knocked on your door three times.
You answered,
And we sat on the porch and you finally told me why you did what you did;
I just wish that when you spoke in my dream,
It wasn’t muffled, because then maybe now I wouldn’t be writing this.
But here’s the thing, I would rather act like the girl in my best friend’s dream
That she had the other night,
The one where she dreamt I was burning down a person’s house, laughing—
At least in that dream, hell yeah, I seemed a little crazy
But hey, it showed that there is a fire that burns in me that wants to blaze out
I am not the kind of bitch that you stab a knife in
And twist just to get me to hurt more,
Because I am a woman that you don’t want to mess with—
I might just say, “Oops, it was the PMS,”
And get on with my life,
It is time that I moved on.
If you come back,
I don’t know what I will do,
But my heart will be stronger,
And I want you to know:
I am the fighter.
