Told Me

You’ve told me you miss me.

Is it my kiss that you miss?

Warm blood pumping beneath thin skin?

The caressing and biting,

The movement of passion.

Do you fall asleep

With the memory of it?

The different pleasures that it has derived—

Fantasies brought forth to the front of your mind,

The feelings it sparked from inside?

You’ve said that you missed me,

And I know it’s more than just this,

But do me a favor—

Show me with a smile,

Show me with your own lips.

The Saturday Six Nineteen

1. Saturday, my college friend Liz came out to visit me. She had to drive a long ways, but she wanted to see me and hang out, since we haven’t really had the chance to in over a year. I’m glad we’ve worked on fixing things between us, and her visit was sweet of her to make. She didn’t want me to spend my birthday weekend with just family; thought that I needed to be celebrated, and have the focus on me, without me being the mother-like figure that puts everyone first. Actually, when I slipped into my ways, she had to keep saying that “this weekend is for you.” My youngest nephew couldn’t get enough of her either, they were almost as thick as thieves.  She even brought me a chocolate chip cookie cake from Wegman’s, a balloon (that said Birthday Queen, and that my nephew kept running off with), and peace sign Mardi Gras type necklaces. We went to a going away party first, and then headed off to the local bar where we ended up connecting with one of my very many cousins. It was a good night, and morning. Thank you, my friend, for the visit.
   
   
2. Saturday, after Liz arrived and we had had supper with my family, I dragged her to a bon voyage party for another friend of mine, Laura. I’ve known her now for thirteen years, friends since the fourth grade. We may have grown apart somewhat since we graduated high school, but have remained there for each other and still are friends. She is off to Peru for her second time, this time, for a year. She later texted me while I was at the bar, to tell me that the card I’d written her had made her cry. In a good way. I seem to do that to my friends whenever I do it. I write something real in each card I give, because they deserve to know what’s inside, and they deserve realness. I’m going to miss her while she’s away, even though we’ve seen each other so rarely as is. I know she’s going to do great things over there though, and whomever comes in contact with her will be blessed.
   
   
3. As I stated before, Liz came out for my birthday. Yep, that was Sunday, and I’m officially twenty-two. Even though I like some of Taylor Swift’s music, please don’t sing that song! Anyways…after she left in the morning, the day dragged on (only had four hours of sleep), and it was a low-key, laid-back kind of birthday. Many birthday wishes were sent my way, and my mama made a ham dinner. Ham gravy, yum! She also baked me a birthday cake, funfetti flavored with butter cream frosting and covered in pink sugar crystals. My family also got me some new clothes and a new digital camera complete with a fitted case so I can carry it in my purse without damage like my old ones. The best part of my birthday? No negative energy.
   
   
4. Monday, my friend Melinda, another beauty of mine from college, came to visit me. She had wanted to be here the day before, but was spending much needed time with her fiancé. It was great though, we got to catch up and talk more than we do via text, Facebook, and calls. Haha. She’s a chica I chat with often. We went to Tim Horton’s for much needed hot beverages, well…that, and coffee shops have become a tradition of ours. We played with her Tarot cards, and I tried my hand at being the reader for once. We also walked around town, where she loved seeing some of the different buildings, especially ones that have a Victorian vibe. As many friends of mine that didn’t grow up here, she liked it. She also treated me to an early supper late lunch, before we got back to my house. Thank goodness I do at least know how to properly measure tire pressure, and how to work my dad’s air pump thing, because otherwise I’m not sure she’d have made it home in one piece. So incredibly glad she came out to see me, I’ve missed her, and when we get together, things seem better. A sign of true friends.
   
   
5. My friend Chrissy has done so much for me and been there often, so since she’s been stressed between full-time job and full-time school, and other small things, we got together to hang out yesterday. Lots of talking, and then I treated her to supper at one of the better restaurants in town. They had chicken and biscuits as a special, and man that made her happy. I’m glad I could bring her a smile.  She apologized later for us not doing much, but like I’ve stated to her and other friends before, I can enjoy myself and be content, with just the company and friendship, without me talking very much.  It was a good evening.
   
   
6. My dad and his fellow veterans of our town spent yesterday, and are spending today, standing outside different establishments in our town, selling poppies.  If there are any veterans in your areas doing this, donate, even if it’s a nickel. A little bit goes far, and our veterans have done much for our country. Their day is almost upon us, respect them, and thank them.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

You Were the First Person

You were the first person, since the person I loved,

Who I deigned to let hold me, where it actually felt right. 

Where I was comfortable

And somewhat peaceful. 

It wasn’t my perfect,

My fairytale,

But it was right. 

I don’t regret it. 

In fact, I sort of miss it,

And I miss you. 

You are also the only other guy

I fell asleep next to,

Let alone in the arms of,

Besides the one my heart’s with, 

That I could fall asleep with so quickly—easily—

And slip away.

It hurts that you’re not around.

The silence,

The lack of laughter,

The music and eyes meeting.

You were a friend,

I still want you as a friend.

I thought I saw a beautiful soul, thirsty to grow.

Don’t stop growing,

But try to grow towards the sun,

Not the shadows.

You don’t belong in the shadows.

The shadows are where others like I, belong.

You may have been mean,

You may have done me wrong,

But I know I was doing wrong as well.

Trying to open the love sector of my heart,

To give you a chance outside of friendship,

Outside of attraction,

But my heart won’t turn off the love for the other.

Telling you I felt for you was wrong.

That was our mistake. Choking on the water.

I miss you, so yes, don’t stop the talk.

I know from my past, it won’t be the same,

But you are beautiful inside,

Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Don’t tell yourself different.

I never lied about what I saw,

So grow,

Open your leaves.

Offer another peace.

Offer yourself peace.

Lightning

A memory slips in.

My heart skips a beat.

I don’t know what to feel,

What to think.

My body shudders.

The earth turns on its axis.

Another year comes

And is gone.

Look to the night sky

As lightning strikes—

Remembering your soft lips

As we stood on the porch steps.

For months, after you left

I built walls, like yours.

I numbed myself when it came to men;

No one could get in.

Then one summer night,

I stood alone on a balcony,

My head tilted upward as I stared

At the stars up high.

A cool breeze brushed against my arms

As I slipped off my shoes, my feet bare,

I felt as my arms hung limply by my sides,

As the walls deteriorated

And all that was left,

Was the spirit, the essence,

The memory of my heartache—

That of me and you.

My breath was caught in my throat

As far in the distance,

Heat lightning flashed and fireworks exploded.

Imaginary arms wrapped themselves around me,

And in that moment,

Not only did I miss you,

I knew it was time to stop hiding—

Time to move on, move forward.

My heart couldn’t take it,

Someone driven by love and here on earth because of it,

Should not fear it.

Yes, you broke me.

It was like somehow the diamond in the rough,

Was ground to dust—

I was choking on it.

Tears flow freely,

Your name is a sting to my flesh.

The sight of you causes all my senses to crash.

As friends shake me, ask if I’m okay

But I’m just gone from this plane—

It’s a temporary escape.

One day, I shall face.

My prayer is to walk up to you,

I’ll smile—

For I was the angel you needed,

And nothing should be forgotten,

But from the depths of what is me,

I erase my pride.

All is forgiven.

My love for you, I’m sure will continue on,

Though the love for myself has grown.

And as I mark the end to my first twenty years,

I know now that life goes on

And there are chapters after Gursslin.

Peace for me; it does exist.

I can have happiness, and contentment once again,

No matter how fleeting,

It is there.

I hope you are well.

I send kisses on the beams of white light.

You’re welcome to enter my life again,

I’ll welcome you with open arms,

But leave the walls and veil,

At our history’s door.

I do not know what lies in store,

I just want you to know—

I’m doing alright on my own.

Look to the sky, when night falls

Think of me, the warmth of my hand

The friendship that shall always exist.

You are not alone, out there in the world,

I still care, you’ve got someone on your side.

Romantic entanglement—maybe it’s not for us,

Just follow your heart,

Let your spirit whisper—

Don’t tell it to hush like you used to.

True love happens when lightning strikes.

Heartache

I don’t want to be another heartache

You tell all the girls about—

The one’s you wanna get with

And let down.

I don’t wanna be that woman,

Another story,

Becoming your history,

Instead of you and me.

Chorus:

I wanna be the one you miss,

That you miss so bad.

I wanna be the one, you can’t live without,

And you wake up in fear that I’m gone.

But that’s just wishful thinking—

Thinking I was your number one.

You always said that I was different,

Finally wanted a chance

But then I turned around,

And got knocked flat on the ground.

With you all it ever took

Was a single word, just one look.

You tell every girl, you’re an open book

After all, you’ve always had me hooked.

Chorus

You walked away—

All I got was a text.

While the story you tell,

Is the heartache that I feel.

I breathe in and out,

Feel my heart clench—

Wait for it to dwindle,

You’re just another page of my past.

Chorus

Oh yeah, that’s just wishful thinking—

Thinking I was your number one.