I Want You to Know

I want you to know

I have no regrets

No regrets for ever loving you

I gave you my heart

And you held my soul

You were my true, true one

And a piece of me

Will never let you go

But I've finally realized

That while you will always be a part of me

Of my life...

It's time to never look back

At least not for me

I'll support you, hell, I'll raise a glass

For anything that will make you smile

You aren't mine though

You were never going to let that happen

And I'm happier without having you in my veins anymore

We're part of a messed up extended family

Hearts to hearts

And yet, I'm good

And damn I feel good not dwelling on my love for you

The pain and the sadness

The hurt and disappointment

I've shed it like skin

And risen

Whatever happens, come what may

I'm excited, because I can't see it

And I wouldn't be here

Wouldn't be who I am today

If I had never loved you

The way we loved.

Go Silent Like Stark Stars

She's going to be silent at some point.

You realize that, right?

You tell her you love her.

Tell her you need her.

Tell her that if there were a chance,

She'd be the weighing factor for your happiness;

That you both could be happy.

Together.

But you tell her that,

Give sweet words.

Memories.

Grab her around the waist when you meet--

Pulling her in, with a slow, gentle grace.

Everything is love.

In your touches.

Your movements.

Each other's sighs.

And then a switch it flipped,

Like on and off,

And she's forced back into your shadows.

She loves you, you know she always will.

She's said it,

But what more,

She's proved it.

You can't keep a woman like that hidden though.

You can't choose other lives without her being pivotal--

Not without her straightening her spine,

Smiling. Loving from inside.

Telling herself that she's fine being friends,

Even though it's the most complicated aspect of her own life,

And always will be.

She's going to find someone else, somehow, some place--

To be the second dawning, to give her a slice of happiness

That she is most deserving.

She will talk, but you may have to pull it out of her.

Where once she wished she could tell you everything,

Share every moment, she will bite her tongue.

You pushed this. You didn't understand that playing games was bad.

She was more worth to you than you could ever find,

And she deserved more than you,

But her heart was only yours.

Now. Now it's time for someone to steal a piece of that big heart.

She doesn't know where.

Doesn't know when.

Doesn't know who.

But she's willing to try.

She's hoping on stars in the sky.

The Saturday Six (Two)

I know this is a day late, but there was lots of craziness due to Graduation day.  This is my second Saturday six, but in actuality, I guess you could call it a Sunday Six.

1. Monday was something for me.  I had my last college exam and jumped for joy for being done with psych research methods, which, out of the equivalent for each concentration, majority of Brockport college students say it’s the worst and there are apparently horror stories about it, according to a professor friend of mine.  Afterwards, I stopped by the women studies department, and spent some time there for a good hour, that made my positivity shoot up even though we talked about some rough subjects.  Ran on four hours of sleep all day, but my good friend Amber gave me a shot of perspective and hope and light to hold onto for some of my darker spots that I don’t talk about often. 
   
   The rest of the day went decently, I finished packing everything that I sent home on Tuesday, had a light dinner with my suitemates that I hadn’t had a chance to do all semester, and then went out to wing night at my friends’ and mine favorite bar in my college town.  No, we didn’t really have wings due to the timing we had, but it was good.  I even got a grilled chicken sandwich with hot sauce…wasn’t fried and oh my, how my stomach appreciated that!  My best friend, her boyfriend, and I all ordered ourselves some voodoo buckets to drink (which is just a step up from a rum bucket), and my other friend got me a whiskey sour because I won a bet the week before.  Yes, rum and whiskey, thought me just a vodka woman, didn’t you? Haha. If it tastes good and my body doesn’t reject it, I’m content. 
   
   The surprise to me of the night though?  My friend who ordered me my whiskey sour, we were supposed to split the check…and she nabbed it before I could look at it.  Whipped out her debit card, and handed it all to the waitress, denying me the ability to pay!  They laugh and wonder why I still react in shock.  Truth is, most of the time, I’m used to paying for myself.  And for others at times, and then I’m lucky to have a few handful of friends I truly don’t mind paying for because they pay me back in some form and things even out.  However, when friends won’t take my money, I’m floored.  I know I work hard and am now officially unemployed, but unless you’re family, paying for me and not expecting me to pay back is still something I will meet with surprise.  That’s what happens when I do whatever I can not depend on others.  Which…when the time comes and I can afford it, I’m getting my own place.  Please let that not be a year from now!
   
   
2. I sent most of my stuff home on Tuesday, to my parents’ house.  It was weird to be living in my dorm room with the absolute bare minimum, and the lack of the homey feeling that I’ve always brought to my living quarters.  I felt like, if I were to close the doors, my voice would start to echo!  Which is funny because…the room is pretty damn small; smaller than my room at my parents, by at least a few feet, but it does have a higher ceiling, and FLOOR SPACE. When I move back, while dad’s gone for a few days and I’m alone during the day…I get to spend time trying to reconfigure my bedroom so that there will be walking space and so I can access what I need until I accumulate enough money to get my own place and move.  Seriously, before I sent the stuff home, between my belongings from growing up alongside my belongings that I’ve been storing to go towards my future first apartment, I only had an aisle to walk from my door to my window (thankfully, alongside my bookcases so I can still be granted my literary need) and a small path to my bed.  Let’s see how bedroom tetras goes this summer!
   
   
3. Thursday, I gave my last college presentation, which was on 1960s girl groups and perception of equality.  I also handed in my last paper.  Needless to say, I hope the people that lived in the same building as me, weren’t irked by the amount of Shangri-las music I had going all morning.  I love me some Shangri-las, you know “Leader of the Pack” and “Sophisticated Boom Boom.”  You don’t know sixties music, get your butt to youtube or whatever music searcher you have, and look them up.  Unless you have a bad love story, which also has a key of the stereotypes of “good girl” and “bad boy,” and the story of yours is in a slump or questioning area, then don’t listen to the first.  It’s fantastic, but it’s sad at the same time.  You want something to smile to or sway your hips to though, listen to the latter.  I mean, if a song that says “stand up straight like your back’s against the wall, and move your hips” doesn’t do something…well, find something that will.
    
4. Also, on Thursday, I received quite an unexpected surprise!  My college’s literary magazine came out with this year’s edition. I didn’t know whether or not they were even doing it anymore, because of some issues that had arisen last year, causing publication to not happen.  The last publication, was two years ago in May 2011.  I was published in that one, for my poem entitled, “Jenn,” which was about losing my one cousin who I miss dearly.  This year, I was published again!  This time, for my poem “In Bed With The Devil” about my first time with someone dear to my heart, although if you want more about the man, sorry, I don’t even know we stand after all of these years. Just enjoy the poem.  The other piece, is a chapter excerpt from my one novel that has been in progress for a long time, entitled Pieces of Jade.  Oh, and the magazine, it’s FREE, so if you happen around The College at Brockport in the next year, or have connections, get yourself a copy of Jigsaw.  I’ll tell ya though, I was floored when my one friend brought me over a copy, because I didn’t know there was going to be anything this year, and I also didn’t know I was in it.  I had submitted last year but when the magazine fell through, I forgot about it.  It’s a nice little feather to put in my cap.
   
   
5. Friday was my last “family” gathering of friends.  My best friend, Christine French braided my hair, and then her, our friend Kammie, and I all went over to her boyfriend’s for dinner and movies.  We talked, we laughed, we picked on each other, I got a tour of the house (honestly, flat screen mounted to bedroom ceiling above bed, I don’t understand).  We watched a little bit of Liar, Liar and a South Park movie, and all of the (third installment I believe) of Jackass.  The latter is what got me actually laughing, especially due to my stress levels and all that jazz, my friends admitted that I was like a wall lately to most things funny.  Oops. We enjoyed ourselves though, granted, I really could have gone for some chilled red wine that night.
   
   
6.  Saturday, MAY 18^TH, I graduated with my Bachelor of Arts degree.  I honestly don’t even remember too much right now, I was tired, hot, and quite sore.  It is now all a blur, but the senator even stopped by, and thank goodness I was not one of the students standing when he got up to speak.  Long-winded.  And I had my friend M. R. Bryant by my side during it all, which is good, because thousands of people were in the room, and…that’s a bit stifling for me.  Four years, more credits than I needed, and three concentrations….I am now an alumni, with another chapter of my life behind me and the future’s path’s beneath my (slightly bruised) feet.  Voila, je suis ici, j'ai conquis et je trouverai la vie!
   
   ~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!
   
   
   Much love!
   
   
   ~*~Alyse~*~