A Brief Explanation

Twenty-five was a hard year.

I lost much of myself.

I lost control, parts of my mind, body, sanity, sanctuaries.

I had so much evil come knocking at my doors,

Physically and internally.

It was the biggest burning of myself I have ever endured.

My husband and few remained by me,

Some others finally opened their eyes to truths,

While others chose to close them more and turn me into a fictional character.

Twenty-five created roles I didn't want to play.

But I did find some parts I need for my journey in my life along the way,

As well as discarded an enormous amount with my love by my side.

I hate that I lost one of the biggest parts of me,

The part that has been a source of comfort since I could first read, first hold a pen--my words.

They escaped me, but I am working all the time to regain them. To regain me.

To, as always, rebuild from the ash.

Home is Where the Love Is

You chuckle, you don't understand it

            But it makes you smile anyway--

You know it says the most in the those few words.

Coming from me, it's almost bigger than the simple "I love you,"

Even though you have to explain to your father

            Who loves me as a daughter,

That while I may say that to many,

            It's actually not an easy line for me to say.

To you, I will continue to say "I love you"

But this, this I know from your smile alone

            Is the best way that I say it.

It's for you, and you alone.

I inhale deeply and the scent of you helps calm me.

It's why you unlike all others can get me down from a spiral within

Hours, with just your arms around me,

            Your presence near me.

Your warmth floods my lungs,

A repetitive arrow rightly sent

            Through my heart.

Just A Clip

I'm laughed at for my tripling, my quadrupling,

I have to recheck myself because it's called major anxiety.

I've screwed up too much from depressive and hypomanic storms

And blacked out memories that I can't allow,

Can't handle, or give up the need to perfect;

Too much has been ripped from my control these last few years--

And in these last nine months or so,

            My mental has felt so topsy-turvy,

                        Side-screwy.

How would you like hallucinations jumping in,

            Seemingly ordinary

That you're rocked off finding out

            Reality isn't

Is not

Yours anymore?

Accidental gas potions brewing like cauldrons,

            Threatening to kill your lungs,

Or flames licking your kitchen ceiling

            Slick with perfumed oil--

All of these are your mistakes

            And none of these registers until it's almost too late?

You laugh at me for my counting.

            My pacing.

                        My hand-wringing.

                                    My fast-talking.

You see these traces,

            My different faces.

But you've never seen me fully relaxed.

You don't get that I'm not making myself paranoid,

            I live with paranoid.

One error, I fail.

One error, you move on--brush off.

            It can eat me for days.

Even if everyone says things will be okay,

Unless I have a one hundred percent

            I cannot give you the guarantee

That I'm not going to recycle:

            One...

                        Two--

            Three,

Repeat. Maybe?

Disappearing

I feel like I'm drowning on sand.

I'm weighted down, can't breathe it seems.

I don't quite understand how I spring leaks,

When I feel as if I'm mummifying,

            Muscles calcifying.

Brain seems to obtain more holes,

            Caverns and tunnels I hardly know where they go--

Except further down into the dark,

Down through the tree trump I spiral out,

My how the lights all seem to go out,

            All over dear broken Wonderland.

I wake in the night to my cats' paws

            Stabbing my ribs and breasts

                        As if my familiar is stabbing

            Deep holes,

                        Jabbing quick and hard,

            As if wooden stakes are missing

Their marks.

I dark not drink, as if my subconscious

Is trying to hold off the inevitable fact that I'll become cement;

I already crack with each thwack my life brings.

Mind and body.

Body, mind.

Soul?

I fear she may have flown.

            Wake me, this stasis has me gagging, gasping.

Can we just halt the clock a minute,

The second-hand stutter in my palm

            As I search for the answers?

Back through to the other side of the mirror where a hint of me awaits?

I know she's sitting there,

A smirk waiting hidden in the corner

            Of her lips.

Shakespearean Mirror

It's funny how a man that swears to have loved me,

From the teenage years, until before I said I do

            To the right one for me

                        And wasn't you,

Could go hours and get rides for shades of me,

But only once for me did he--

After Helena and Hermia

            Before Ophelia,

The distraught and dark Hamlet who was more or less

A whiney, present day Mecrucio,

Have our backs until it no longer favored you.

            So in goodbye by making it clear

That I was better as a lighthouse for you

Who was only useful anymore as a silent painted portrait--

Rose red with thine petals at my feet,

            The I love you, love you not wishes which

Smolder to sharp thorns in my hands.

I'd rather the flowers I wear upon my crown.

Everything was your terms, and you grew scared when

As I realized other men in my life cared more than just words,

And would drive an hour no matter the weather

            Or pomp and circumstance,

To spend just an evening or afternoon.

No agenda. No intention to woo.

They didn't care I'd given my heart to my correct Romeo,

            Without pushing me to be their Juliet.

You act as if I am the one that did you wrong,

But after nails hammered in coffins and then

            Pried loose once more,

The assessment is more damage done to my heart,

            The one which is more whole

Due to true love's first kiss.

            The phantom of you will always be there,

A ghostly sonnet in caverns of old,

While real friends tend to flower beds by the lapping shore

Or throw pebbles of life to make the water

            Ripple with the growing wisdoms of time--

And my beloved watches over

            As the sun to warm my days

And the moon

            To illuminate

                        My darkest nights.

Autumnal Goodbye

I stare out the window at the blustery autumn leaves,

Thinking of how this time last year

            Was full of turmoil and stress

Where we digressed and our souls took to wanting

Hibernation in our chests.

            We clung to those we still loved, while I also held tight

To the man I now consider my one.

            You could have won you know,

If you knew how to grow up before

            It was

                        Too late.

Like Peter Pan, the man I used to love

            Is still a boy. I grew up though,

And you weren't ready.

            He was. He is.

Now unlike last year, instead of pulling close

            And standing united,

Just as the red leaves,

            You remain in my veins--

But the faith and strength that was our love, our past,

The friendship tied with one love--

            You fall,

Fall down on cold ground and

You resurrect the queen who finally

            Must give up the knave that held

Her soul,

            Swearing  to keep it safe,

But has bruised and used it

            To where you were so close--

The last straw in this barren month

Where the ripest of apples are born

            And pressed and cooked

Into sweetness renewed; you taught

The queen how to be cold as fae may be,

            And he brought the warm

Fire that thawed his way to the side

            By me to be my king, humbling but raw.

You encased our endurance while creating

            Space for him and the ice walls, yourself.

I shall miss you, but I've changed

            And spread my wings that were

Once shattered; to rise as you stand low.

Towering over me, I no longer recognize

            The boy I gave my all, a stranger in my eyes.

I do not cry as I used to though;

Maybe we had to become close again,

            Tighter than we'd ever been,

So you could see what you'd miss and took for granted,

While I learned the difference between

A thimble and a compass.

I'm as naked as the trees become before my eyes,

But safe as the bark that has grown harder

            And beautiful

In its rough glory.

I'll miss the old you, the us in Neverland.

It's just time for me to grow up

            As you continue with the lost boys,

Skipping lightning across the water

            With all the rocks that eventually sink to the bottom;

Our memories, laughter, kisses, and friendship

Haze over our minds.

I'll love you always as I often told you I will and would,

It's just time that while I had faith and trust,

To leave and move on from the piece of my heart

            That only held pixie dust.

New World

I have come to a conclusion:

I am not the black sheep

            As I always had come to believe;

I am of the New World, New Order

            While they are of the old.

That is why similarities and cores are the same,

But I never fit. Like a circle

            Trying to be contained in too small

Of a box. They often kept me deflated

And when I attempted to breathe--

            Expand,

I would be pushed back down.

Now I am free and

            They try to catch

And contain me as I've spun

Off the designated axis,

            To revolve around a sun

Of my own design.

Bruised Knees

I am on my knees

Not because of glory

Reach out your hand,

Help me up.

I’ve been broken but am determined to rise.

            I may not have been bled with red,

But tears have spilled on my face and smeared across

My love's chest as he's held me shaking

            And each porcelain piece of me

Spider-cracked

            And

He

            Just

Gripped me in his arms tighter to act as the glue

That allows me to go further...

The one you blessed me with even though

Soap opera, midnight drama

            Has multiplied by ten-fold in my life

Since you placed him in my life to finally be recognized

And to un-melt my heart and fill past-pains,

            Assist me in re-finding myself,

Allowing me to love again.

You have given him,

But I've been knocked down so many times,

            And only just gotten up,

A little harder each blending chapter--

That I for once, to the best of my memory,

            Have doubted and questioned You;

My faith. The road ahead.

Roads have been dark,

            But Heaven

I have often wondered if the stars,

            They still move.

Tenths

Nine-tenths of the law.

            That is the joke and the truth of the day.

We're afraid of what could have been left by liars

            In our humble hole

In duffle bags and tassel purses--

What was of who we thought were friends and

Allies we would rather be on the right side of but

            Who twisted truth to their benefit in order for our safety net,

Our hospitality.

They took advantage like everyone except for one-tenth

Of "friends" in our circles that grow and shrink,

            Grow and shrink until

We are nothing but really just the two of us.

Best friends and partners,

            True ride or die always on each other's sides

Because we're all that we can rely and dig us out:

Of bad situations and crises;

            Provide laughter and light for each depressive spiral,

                        Always love and give budding strength when the other bends.

They laughed at us when we called and asked, "What do we do?"

But they understand that we declined calls from those

            We had believed and given shelter, food,

            And gave up our privacy because we chose kindness instead of hatred.

I hate that. We try and strive and to do as God's word,

Do unto others and go with the good--

Then the government and the county,

            Or the people we chance,

Chase us back to our quiet apartment tucked in the grove,

Trusting less and more cut-off.

Two plants that chose to be planted together and

Now are forced to reside, grow, entwined in a tiny pot.

If two are to become one, then I guess by something-tenths

            We're bound by more than just future precious-metal knots.

                        

I'm Invincible

You say that I'm invincible

And my heart makes a sort of squeak

            In gratitude.

How'd I find a love who not only adores

            Every flaw, quirk, weird imperfection

And thinks so highly of me?

You say someone's got to,

Since I don't seem to myself.

I appreciate that the stars found me

Someone who's been through darkness

But breaks the clouds in mine.

I've pushed forward with obstinacy,

            Pride--

However, you pull me forward with

            Embracing moon shine.

A life raft on the tides;

You bring goodness that I don't give myself.

You say that I'm invincible,

When I feel the pull of my skin by my eyes,

The heaviness of headaches from too much stress,

            Overloads of anxiety kept bound

By tension in my muscles, tendons

Turning my small and fragile warrior's body

            Hard in knots.

I cringe at touch from aching joints that

            Are too stubborn to move with ease

And nerves extra sensitive to pressure.

By my emotions worn, my mind overworked

            With thoughts and mental processes.

I see everything that I have to fight through each day

            When I wake, that so many don't acknowledge

That I try to keep on the D and L as it all breaks me down.

You asked me just the other day

As to why I say

            That I am incredibly blessed to have you--

Well, you say that I'm invincible,

Even with my obstacles large and small.

You remind me of who I am,

That I don't have a quitter's soul,

And when I twitch to raise my hand in surrender,

You tell me you love me and whisper in my ear,

Just to remind me: I'm invincible.

Slow Motion

The brake peddle slowly meets the floor

As I reach in the center to change gears from drive

            To park.

I'm anxious and my nerves are buzzing.

I want to just slam and throw,

But take the extra seconds

To slow down--

I breathe with the forced gravity

I send to my bones.

Twenty seconds, that's the only time I steal for myself alone

Before I focus on not running, falling--

Not before I meet comfort in your arms,

I must be in the moment.

Too many times, emotions override or detachment

            Takes my place--

Not tonight though.

I refuse to let it.

The last time I got to be near you--

Be near you for more than hands held,

Grasped tight,

A fleeting hour,

Wish glass would break--

I'd lost my strength.

My self.

Clouds drew in, charcoal and grey.

My silver lining and moon were driven away,

Silent and unlit blues and reds

Disappeared in the distance as I stood.

Stood as if life ebbed away with each tear

Breeching the barricades of mascara-ed lashes

And staining my porcelain cheeks

            Ready to crack.

That day has haunted and provided sleepless nights.

Restless nights.

Nights of longing,

            Terror,

                        Sadness,

            Tossing-turning,

                        And ache-filled

            Dreams when my body could do nothing

But shut down from pushing--

The strides I took to fill all the minutes

            Between that goodbye moment

And the next kiss.

Every kiss.

Embrace.

Felt my soul wearing away, for I'd for the balance.

            The yin to my yang.

I was alive but not living.

Just praying.

            Hating. Damning.

                        Loving.

I'd have knelt in your favorite green summer dress,

On bare jagged stones until my knees bruised

            If it brought you home.

Now as I fight the tears of joy that wish to fill my eyes

Since the moment you called, surprising me with the news I'd hoped for--

And all the seconds I've bounced on my toes

Counting down time until I could arrive to this now:

I look down as I speed-walk,

Knowing that with my luck that my shoes

Will slide off or send me head-long

On the sidewalk if I most too quick--

I think for a second that I should have bought

            The other shoes we'd looked at just weeks before.

A small segment of me self-conscious--

            Knowing you'll point out that these black clogs

I've already scuffed,

Don't match my chocolate brown dress pants and silky flowered-blue top--

But I can't find it in me to care as my feet carry me closer

Jacket unzipped and wide-open, hair in disarray,

            To the store where with my friends

I'm told that you await.

I hesitate half a breath before the glass door with the open sign beckoning

And see you in the middles of everyone else

            Though I love them, they're blurred in the edges.

I burst through a lose all breath

            Because the bad has faded the moment I see you

In your black-grey striped sweatshirt and ruffled clean clothes--

My home is free....

And our group jumps to the side

As I nearly tackle you with my arms thrown wide around your nexk

No worries of falling,

Because as always

            You catch me and keep me standing.

Heart.

            Break.

                        Breath.

                                    Catch.

With a kiss I never want to end,

You set me down,

And I'm okay with facing the world.

Ask Alyse: The Writer World Questions Answered

**These are not answered in any particular order.**

Considering Amazon prohibited many reviews by "connected persons" judged by social media connections, what are the options for networking success, in your opinion?
--Create more ties and have them promote your work as much as you do by communicating with their own people, and ask them to boost reading status and hopefully the reviews. Amazon cannot fault all of us for our connections when in reality, most everyone is connected. I come from a small town, I know there are plenty who know of me, but I've no idea who they are; are we considered "connected persons" just because we live in the same town? No. We are connected by persons in the middle which create overlaps.

What do you like about writing? What do you not like?
--I like the creative process and the getting emotions or ideas out that may be bombs on the inside of the soul. I don't like that I work better with people not interrupting me but yet that's all that ever happens anymore...so I suppose the lack of respectability from others when you're actually in the zone.

What are your other interests?

--I like to help others, hanging out with loved ones, reading, traveling, anything creative catches my eye.

What were the early influences on your writing?

--Well, probably the fact that I've loved to read since before I can remember. I suppose some of the earliest influences would be the books I read as a child. I loved poetry, still do. And if you don't include the picture books from back then haha, then I suppose you could consider The Boxcar Children series by Gertrude Chandler Warner a major influence. I actually collect books in that series still, if I don't have one of them, I'll add it. There's so many, and I have always loved a good mystery as well as character strength and adventure. Oh, to have adventure.

Do you have a muse, like music?/What inspires your writing?

--I don't really have any one particular muse, unless I suppose you count the people in my life. I will play music sometimes when I write, but it's not a muse...I mean, I'll play a television in the background too as long as it's not too distracting nor news/westerns. Life events, literature, my travels, anything that sparks an idea that I can run with and bend inspires me.

What are you working on now, if anything?
--My projects haven't really altered in the past year. They've been at a stand still for awhile, but I hope to get back with them. It's driven me a little twitchy not being able to write and work on wips. Two novels, poetry book that I plan to encompass a long span of time. I've other short stories but unless asked to work on them, I want to work on the novels and poetry for now when it comes to my own creations.

What are your ambitions for your writing career?

--I want to do more editing for others and make a name for myself within that context. I want to publish my novels and my poetry book, and maybe compile my short stories into a collection. I wish to work with other writers for books, and maybe work with some people in the film industry to create plays or pieces fit for the screen. I'd also like to collaborate with singers and help create the lyrics. I want to conquer and have my hands in multiple aspects of the writing world over the years.

Which writers inspire you?

--There are really too many to count. Definitely J. R. R. Tolkien. And pro-female writers...I mean, have you read pieces by Libba Bray or Tamora Pierce? Strong characters that you can connect with.

How does writing change the writer?

--It can be a lifeline. And I don't mean in terms of money.

What genre are your books?

--The novels I'm writing I haven't type-casted into a category yet. I mean, they aren't fantasy or sy-fy though, I can tell you that. My short story that was published could probably be urban fantasy and/or sy-fy kind of...I don't really think about that.

Which actor/actress would you like to see playing the lead character from your most recent book?
--In Slayers? You know, I never thought about that.

How much research do you do?

--Depends on the piece or even the part of the piece. When I do research however, I love going on a tangent of it. I'm a research junkie at times.

Do you want to work with other writers on a book again in the future?
--I'd consider it.

Have you made much money writing?

--Not a single penny yet. And no, haven't seen it from Slayers and I think it's best not to dwell on it. However, there is a possibility I'll be doing freelance articles for the local newspaper at some point.

When did you decide to become a writer?

--I was seven.

Why do you write?

--It's a sanity thing at times. And my favorite form of expression. That, and it gets A LOT out of my head. And I just love it.

What made you decide to sit down and actually start something?
--When?

Do you write full-time or part-time?
--Whenever I can...

Do you have a special time to write or how is your day structured?
--No, but I would like to; I work a varied schedule and don't have the space or respect to be able to create that yet. I hope to one day. I like deadlines and such, so I know it would be helpful.

Do you aim for a set amount of words/pages per day?
--Only if I'm on a deadline for something.

Do you write on a typewriter, computer, dictate or longhand?

--Computer mostly, but I do carry multiple notebooks places so that if I have something come to me and I'm not near my laptop, I can jot it down. Sometimes you'll see me scribbling while I'm at work. And I have a voice recorder that once in a while I'll record into that while I do other things, but only if I'm by myself and not in public. I just started that actually.

Do you work to an outline or plot or do you prefer just see where an idea takes you?

--I have a relative outline in my head of some points I want to happen in a certain order, but normally I go where the idea takes me and then put together things like a puzzle or written quilt.

What is the hardest thing about writing?

--Getting the words from my brain to the paper or given the chance to even do it.

What is the easiest thing about writing?

--The grammaticism.

Do you ever get writer’s Block?

--Often.

Any tips on how to get through the dreaded writer’s block?

--I used to say to leave it and do whatever to distract your brain to stop obsessing, and then return and try again. I still hold true to that, even though I don't practice it like I used it. Shame on me.

What are your thoughts on writing a book series?
--I've thought about it, but let me get through the projects I've so far.

Do you read much and if so who are your favourite authors.
--I read as often as possible...and there's too many to list.

For your own reading, do you prefer ebooks or traditional paper/hard back books?

--I prefer traditional. I've nothing against ebooks although my brother will pick arguments with me forever on them, but I remember a book better and enjoy the tactile-ness when it comes to having real paper and ink in my hands instead of an electronic reader.

What book/s are you reading at present?

--I'm trying to finish Black Wings Has My Angel by Elliot Chaze, I just started reading The Diviners by Libba Bray while I was in the hospital, The Beedle and the Bard by J. K. Rowling, and Chasers of Light: The Typewriter series by Tyler Knott Gregson.

Who came up with the cover to Slayers?

--I've no idea, you will have to speak with the higher ups at 7DS Books. It's a pretty sick cover though, which makes me happy.

Do you think that the cover plays an important part in the buying process?
--Yes. While I believe the saying not to judge a book by its cover, it is an essential because when people are browsing online or walking through the store, that's what catches their eyes to make them stop and check it out.

What would you say are the main advantages and disadvantages of self-publishing against being published or the other way around?

--Advantage: you've more say in the format process, cover, etc. Disadvantage: less help advertising/marketing and you have less people likely to help edit so there's a chance of it being lower-quality...however, the latter is not always the case because those Fifty Shades books were mass-produced and were utter crap. (Yes, that's where I stand, be pissed if you wish.)

Do you have any advice for other authors on how to market their books?

--Network. Network. Network. And not just online. Connect with people.

What are your thoughts on good/bad reviews?
--Take them for what they are but don't let them get in your head.

What’s your views on social media for marketing?

--It's extremely useful, but for any feedback, take it with a grain of salt. Also, practice respect and humility and be humble. Just because you're using social media to put it out there does not mean that you need to take less care of others. Don't be a troll, but also don't listen to the trolls.

For editing, what’s your training?

--I've always had major attention to detail and been a grammar nerd, and I have a Bachelor's in English Creative Writing.

Do you consider yourself a confident or an anxious writer?

--Depends on my mood and what's going on in my life or mind.

Do you consider yourself a slow or a fast writer?

--Circumstances tend to matter; it can fluctuate.

Do you work from any kind of a plan?

--A somewhat organized mental one, but a messy one in written format. Unless it's for editing, then it's all organized.

Any tips on what to do and what not to do?

--You need to find things out for yourself and respect your audience. Show thankfulness, but I mean, don't think about your audience in every piece you write, because then you won't stay true to what the possibilities and honesty that your work can become. Don't ruin the potential. Oh, and explore, in both reading/writing as well as in your life, you'd be surprised what can become of it.

In what formats is your book available?

--Slayers is available in both ebook/kindle format I believe as well as hardcopy.

How can readers discover more about you and you work?
--Twitter. Youtube. Amazon. My blog. My like page on Facebook. Search for AlwaysAlyse and you should be able to hit at least one of them.

Ask Alyse: The Random Questions

I'm sorry folks that the Q & A that I asked for over the summer is being late in posting. Life hit hard this summer and I'm out of work for this week due to a brief stint in the hospital for my health, so I'm taking the time to finally catch up on here and do some writing, crocheting, editing, and if I have enough energy...cleaning because I need to stress clean. Want to stress bake too, but I don't know what to make since we don't need many sugary substances in my home. I'm doing better in case you all are wondering, but enough about why I haven't been posting and get on to answering the questions that I was asked. Get ready for a long post!

**Note, I'm going to have to do the answering in sections. Next up will be answers to the writer related questions.**

How do you pronounce your name?
Uh-lease

Are you right or left-handed?

Right

Are you in a relationship?

Haha, well yes, yes I am. I don't know why I'm being asked that, but there you go.

Do you have a favorite piece of clothing? If so, what is it?

Probably my cardigans that are all loose and soft and comfy, they let me be a bit warmer and lazy but dressy at times. And my boyfriend's Family Guy t-shirt that's nice and big and okay, I love me some comfortable stuff. And I've a few hats I love to wear. I have an artsy style I guess. Hahaha.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
Well honestly, I don't own an iPod. And I don't listen to any of my playlists on my computer as much as I used to anymore. But when Pres, my boyfriend is with me and we're riding around, we hook up his player and there's a lot of MGK, "Cruise" by FGL (I think...), the song where the singers say they'd hang a noose around their neck, the song that was written in memory of Paul Walker for Furious 7 that I'm drawing a blank on at the moment, and then when he's being an extra sweetheart...he'll have "Angel with a Shotgun" by the Cab play just for me. There's also a lot of rap or gangsta or stoner music to categorize the music most of the time, but those are what top the most played usually.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
Outdoor work. And garbage. I hate mowing and feeding cattle and weeding. I mean, I like growing plants and having my windows full of plants, but I don't have to weed those and I like that.

What is on your bedside table?
A daisy ceramic dish I made in high school, a book light, tissue box, a coaster my youngest nephew made me, mardi gras beads (they overflow from the dish), a dagger, a flashlight, dvds I haven't watched yet so they're seperate from my collection, season 6 of Friends on dvd, and...a water bottle. Wait, no, I tossed that last one this morning.

Who is probably the biggest name(s) that you've seen in person? (Event, concert, met)
I never met any of them in person, but I did go to events and concerts for MGK, Loretta Lynn, Montgomery Gentry, Phil Vassar, the guy that sings "Impossible" (country genre and my brain is having some road blocks), a well-known transgendered writer who is a professor that visited my alma mater for a speech, and I got to attend a Planned Parenthood event that honored Gloria Steinam. I've also met some writers while I was in college aside from the ones that I network and am friends with or that I learned from, including the hilarious essayiest I suppose you could label her as, Aynn Halliday.

What was the last book you read without skipping through anything?
I just finished reading The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
I'm best at the afternoon. I normally love Saturdays because even though I don't get a set day off each week, it's my boyfriend's only day off and we try to make that the day we get some time together if possible, which is important. And month....I don't know, November? It's my birthday month and it's a month of thankfulness and even though I believe you should find something to be thankful for every day, I appreciate that others at least force themselves to look at the blessings in this world at one point in the year.

What is your most bizarre talent?
I don't know if it's bizarre, but if I'm not laughing or looking at myself to do it, I can do the bewitch twitch. It makes a friend's of mine's daughter giggle when I do it, and Pres seems to think it's cute. I never used to be able to do it that I know of, but then there was a time I binge-watched the entire series of Bewitched.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
I wouldn't. There's been less than favoring aspects to each age and besides, where would there be growth? I don't do well being at stand stills, I like moving forward.

What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?
Probably pay off my student loans. Then any other debts. Put some towards the future like a home of my own, for my future children, just to be like a little nest egg to secure some goodness down the road. And then splurge a bit on myself and my loved ones.

What is your biggest pet peeve?
Yeah...I won't shut up if I answer that one. I suppose the biggest could be hypocriticalness in others; closed-mindedness; and people using texting to convey important information that should be done in person or if worse case scenario, over an actual phone call.

Which would be harder for you to give up: coffee or alcohol?
Coffee is easy-peasy since I don't drink it. Alcohol...well I don't drink like I used to when I was a college student, but I am going to have to almost cut it out completely now due to health issues, and that's going to be hard with stress levels. I don't think a friend of mine was kidding recently when she said she'll have to serve me a constant supply of chamomile tea via an IV.

How did you meet your best friend?
Which one? I've a good handful. I met my boyfriend online originally but then we met up one day after I got out of my old job at a liquor store and we went out to a rez and hung out at his old campsite. I met my Yoda on a car trip to the mall. I met my Wifey originally at a water park field trip and then again where we actually became friends in one of our classes in the beginning of high school. I met my wise one in study hall. My lovey in a basic Creative Writing class. My artist in both study hall and a stained glass art class. And I don't know...I collect my people and never let them go.

What accomplishments are you most proud of?
Finishing college. Slayers. Not too much else I guess, from my perspective.

What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?
My hair. I won't lie to you, it's my vain spot.

Tell me about the best vacation you’ve ever taken.
Hmmm...both of the major times I went to Nashville which is my favorite city and I hope I can move there at some point and it's just magical there. Creativeness everywhere. And I really loved my trip to Chicago when I was 19, blisters and all.

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?
Fighting with my sister, Ashley. Other than that, I normally tried hard to avoid trouble. I do that more as an adult now.

Do you prefer to buy and keep the books you read, or do you borrow them from the library?
I don't have any problems borrowing books, because I think it's important to share the greatness that they are, and I'm getting to read a fantastic tale usually. However, aside from borrowing from friends and the college library when I was still a student, I haven't utilized the library in my area in a long time I'm sad to say, but they also removed most of the collections that I spent my childhood in aside from the actual childrens' books and it breaks my heart to walk in there. So I guess I like to keep the books I get, either by buying or when I'm given them. I have a good size library growing of my own, and my dream home will have a library with a study connected to it.

What were you like at school?
I was a mixer of sorts, getting along with most everyone in the different clicks. I focused hard on my studies and only hung out in low-key functions. Good grades mostly. I was a goodie goodie I admit, but tried to be a caring friend. My neuroticness was less. I was sheltered and naive. I don't know...I wouldn't go back even though some core things of who I was and was like have remained. The me now is awesome. Generally.

Were you good at English?
Yes. I took AP level classes my last two years just so I could be challenged. And then went on to study it in college.

Who was someone you really looked up to when you were little — someone you considered to be a mentor?
I don't know about when I was little, but I know when I was younger and I still consider them my mentors. My friend Rachel who was actually my student teacher in history when I was in high school. My friend Amber who was my professor twice in college for Women and Gender Studies and Girl Studies. My writer friend Kevin James Breaux who has helped teach me things in the writing world. I don't know to be honest, I've many that at times I look up to and you just have to take a little from each person when they inspire you or can teach you a good lesson and use that to shape you into a better person than you were before and utilize the connections and well, create and maintain friendships that will support you and help you to grow.

How do you relax?
Reading. Television. Writing. Working in a way that distracts my brain. Crafty activities. Spending time with Pres, he's a major diffuser for me and brings me back to a better place. Spending time with family and friends. Dancing it out. Singing. Going for car rides. Snuggling into comfy-ness (I wasn't kidding, I like comfort).

What is your favourite motivational phrase. What is your favourite positive saying?
I don't have a set one anymore. Be kind? Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Never give up. Fight like a girl (refer to song by Bomshel).

What is your favorite book and why?
I don't have an exact favorite, but I am a major Tolkienite. But I also love some books by Sarah Dessen, such as The Truth About Forever. Libba Bray's Gemma Doyle trilogy. Michelle Hodkin's Mara Dyer trilogy. The Harry Potter series. I can only say that the reason why is because they awaken something inside, inspire, and I am always able to get something out of them at the right time that I need to at different points in my life.

What is your favorite quote?
I don't have one, I'm sorry.

What is your favorite film and why?
Don't get me started, I'm the same way with film as I am with books.

Where can you see yourself in 5 years time?
I'm praying that I'll be further in the writing world, married, living in Nashville even if it's not forever, a mom. I don't ask for much really.

What advice would you give to your younger self?
Don't be so hard on yourself, things will be harder in the future but know that you'll find people who truly love and support you and for who you are. Life happens in steps, ride with it.

Which famous person, living or dead would you like to meet and why?

Milo Ventimiglia, because he's a hard worker, inspiring, and I love his work. That, and have you seen him? Damnnnnnnnn. Colin O'Donahue and Reeve Carney rank up there too. I may be speechless if I ever get lucky enough. *Swoons* And more authors, like Sarah Dessen, Libba Bray (can you tell I admire their work). And Reese Witherspoon, she's amazing. But yeah, so Milo Ventimiglia, I'll blush and I may faint, but I want to work with him. After I stop staring. (Pres, if you're reading this, I love you.)

Eyes Closed

When the dreams start, that's when I distance myself

Disconnect when all I want is to dive head-on,

Succumb to what my heart longs for

But I lock the aches inside my subconscious.

Shush I tell the soul, I know you want to hope

And that you want, nay, need your wishes to come true

But we must be silent and let them come--

There are some things that we cannot make happen on our own;

We cannot force the will of others.

This is a game we just have to continue to play our part,

Be strong and hold on while keeping the walls up

Only to let them down when it is perhaps safe...

I may be a queen with my head held high,

But I cannot control the stars and their ways they intertwine--

That is Fate's math.

We just have to keep rolling the dice,

Lips bitten, breaths held, crossing our fingers...

Until a reprieve and we have to steal ourselves while letting loose

Until we begin this pain again.

To Those You'd Stand By, What They Don't Realize

Ever stop to think: I love too much,

Too much of my heart is out there

Each person another piece

And I'm burning myself down--

Burning my heart out in order for each of them

To have some peace?

It's like an eternal flame,

Love. And it isn't just the kind in romance novels--

Crossed-stars. You don't need those kind of things

To give birth to broken hearts.

No, all you have to do is spread yourself thin

Throw your whole-self into the world that you've created.

Friends, the extended family that you'd die for without a blood connection.

It's funny in a way, at least for me.

I don't ask for much, I'm like a giving-tree.

I flower and bloom, spread my branches across

To touch the souls of each person I hold dear and would

And will, stand through every storm with--for;

I'm that person who every one uses as their pillar

And offer to do the same, but never give in...

Well, hardly--rarely, give in,

Because my soul aches each time that I throw myself on a line,

And something happens which I can't control.

You can't control the ones you love

Nor the things that happen to them, to you.

It's hard. Loving others and yet even though they say that they love you,

There is, matter of fact, a sea of souls who love you,

But in the end you don't believe that any of them would do if the chance were given

A fraction of what you would or have done.

Jaded.

Can trust them with your life,

Trust them to try to hold to their words,

Trust them to fight for you or by your side--

But...can't trust them with your heart.

Can't trust that they won't walk out.

Because even with all this love, you--no, me--

Am scared because those are the ones you'd bare it all

Open yourself up and let them see the weaknesses and the strengths,

But you mostly try to only show the good and not let on

That loving them hurts. And you can't change that.

You would rather be strong or make them laugh

Than show that you want more, need more

Are worried that you give more than they

And take less...no, I don't mean just materially.

Material, that's the least of what you think about,

It's not an emotion. It's what's left when you take all that away--

Who you are.

Do they love you enough to stay, when everything

Every fraction of you is stripped down to the raw.

I'm rambling on, I suppose you could say--

But that's what I do when my feelings are involved

And I feel so spread, that if a bird were to fly into the window of my soul--

It'd crack.

At Least for a While

Mama, I've got a feeling

That blue skies are ahead,

That they're coming for us.

I think we've got to keep hoping--

I know it's hard to believe.

Chorus 1:

We've been hurt and downtrodden,

Had out hearts broken, in way too many ways.

We're at the bottom of the rocks

And we're scrambling to climb up.

I know that we both want, these tears to stop falling.

Chorus 2:

So here I am, crossing my fingers

Praying for this pain to the end,

If not for long, at least for a while

We need a little clean air to breathe,

Instead of all this suffocating negativity that seems to cling.

Mama, we've just got to hold on

The grass is going to grow

And flowers have got to bloom

I think we're going to be all right--

No one's ever had friends like you and I.

Chorus 1

Chorus 2

We've been hurt and downtrodden

We're at the bottom of the rocks,

We're scrambling to climb up.

And we're going to make it,

I know in my heart we're going to make it.

I've got to believe it,

At least for a while.

Sui-combustio

I'm blocking, hiding

Burying feelings deep inside chests with locks and keys

But my mind screams, you must confront!

Take and unlock--

Be undone.

You need to breathe, even if it's through tears.

It's keeping you from sleep

And you, you're killing part of your soul to move forward.

Can't you confront that there is no more forward,

Just what is, allow it to grow.

I can't though I want to scream,

My subconscious rattling the bars and ribs,

I cannot, for I will drown!

Why must you haunt me?

I'm trying to live,

I'm attempting to appear free,

You know I fear a cage, even though I must conceal part of myself,

Wrapped in chains around my invisible ankles,

To keep me from running to the one that holds me--

Alas, how I wish I were held,

But when I am, I toss and turn.

I don't wish to speak

Because if I do, if I let out all that I've suffocated in my heart,

Then I open myself up, to being hurt one last time--

One last time, because once that jar of dreams is open again,

I don't see myself rising from the ashes once more.

Clouds

Am I perhaps the sun-setting skies?

The ones with puffs of clouds, pink and purple hues shading into grays?

Softness and pain all rolling ahead, surrounding our hearts

Our minds filled with fogs, knowing we wish and we need,

To get through the dark because on the other side

There is nothing but freedom and no more lines,

Because all the boundaries lay here on earth.

Not in the heavens where our souls long to twine

Our feelings the different stars reaching--reaching out to touch,

Not just physically, but the way we were

Intimate with something more

The way we have an inkling that we're supposed to be someday,

But instead all that we have are walls,

Because we fear.

Neither of us wants to lose.

Neither of us can lose,

Because we don't want there to be an ending between our two hearts,

Unless it's where one stops beating

And the other stops breathing.

I Want You to Know

I want you to know

I have no regrets

No regrets for ever loving you

I gave you my heart

And you held my soul

You were my true, true one

And a piece of me

Will never let you go

But I've finally realized

That while you will always be a part of me

Of my life...

It's time to never look back

At least not for me

I'll support you, hell, I'll raise a glass

For anything that will make you smile

You aren't mine though

You were never going to let that happen

And I'm happier without having you in my veins anymore

We're part of a messed up extended family

Hearts to hearts

And yet, I'm good

And damn I feel good not dwelling on my love for you

The pain and the sadness

The hurt and disappointment

I've shed it like skin

And risen

Whatever happens, come what may

I'm excited, because I can't see it

And I wouldn't be here

Wouldn't be who I am today

If I had never loved you

The way we loved.

Want to Try

I fall into pieces

And I keep hoping

That you'll look my way.

I stumble, this isn't what I'm used to--

I loved for so long, hid away.

I crash and I bury

I cry but I can't let it be seen.

It's time for me to open now that it's all closed, behind me.

Rearrange, these atoms that form my skin

At night when I close my eyes,

It's all darkness with blasts of light.

I want to try you out,

See if we're a fit and I just want to try,

This isn't me but I like you too much to not try.

I've been on this wheel called life for too long

Been carrying my burdens, sharing them with no one.

I want to be loved, not just the lover--

I want to see the world, see it in your eyes

I've fallen in pieces, but for the future I'm willing--

I'm willing to bring all the skies, and wrap them around me tight.