For A Fleeting Moment

***Wrote this back in the Fall of 2012, just finished editing it***

For a fleeting moment

I wonder if I should care.

You came back in, beautiful words spilling from your fingertips.

The email was entitled,

            “Everything I Need to Say.”

I remember my heart slamming into my chest from the shock.

            Worse than each time, I saw that you had viewed my page.

What is there to say? It’s been a couple of months,

            Since you first found me, to speak, apologize—

But you never left the key.

You’re still the one with it, the one to my heart.

            No key for me

            Yet I am free….

For now it seems.

I am not vindictive, not the sort to want you to know what it’s like

To break…millions of little pieces of you floating around

As you scramble and fight to put yourself back together—

            But you won’t ever be the same.

Atoms rearrange.

There’s no returning to who, to what

The person you were in the past.

That’s me.

I broke and ran from who I was.

It took a few months; I built walls like you had preached of.

I drank to be drunk.

I smoked to shut off my brain.

I gave my body so I could feel, but not love.

God was with me, just waited for me to be somewhat sane

So I could face the hurt and pain—

            The fact of that matter was that I just couldn’t handle my big heart being squeezed.

I may be a sponge for information, for beauty

But my heart is no play thing.

I’m strong, always have been,

            Always will be.

My heart though, you left….

You made the center of my being, weak.

You have forever been my kryptonite.

My soul just had to be ready to once again stand.

That is when I completely forgave, free floated,

Connected.

Thought of lightning.

Dropped the chains, the what ifs, the could-have-beens.

Funny how you contact me

Not even four weeks after I finished my poem

Where I erased my pride, and was beginning again.

The Saturday Six (Nine)

1. Last week, I spent some time with my best friend, Christine, and her boyfriend. We spent a good portion of the day at Darien Lake, which was surreal for me in some ways since I haven’t been on any rides since I was in high school. And of course, she talked me into sitting in the very front seat of each of the roller coasters we managed to get on.  And John won me a mini stuffed pink elephant (I wasn’t going to waste money on games).
   
   
2. Tuesday, I spent some time with Chrissy, where we drove through some of the towns surrounding our own, and then walked a few laps around our village park.  By eight, due to the fact that I’m not used to air conditioning (which we now have at my house) and that we did a lot of talking, my voice was raspy.  I won’t be surprised if I get laryngitis at some point this summer…hoping that me saying this will prevent it.
   
   
3. I got to watch a Jack Skelton Mickey Mouse tattoo get done in person.  I love watching tattoos come to life.  Part of me would like to try my hand at a tattoo gun, but anyone trusting me with one would be wrong, because that ink you can’t erase, and I’ve never had a steady hand, even when I did draw often.  I can just imagine the horror of me trying to do one single line!
   
   
4. Chrissy must truly love me, as well as trust me.  Wednesday night, when we got to my house, after my dad got our ’92 working again, that now that it is off the road, I’m using as a field truck…she got in the passenger seat and we went for a drive around my middle field.  That’s the first I’ve driven more than down to the burn pit from the house, since January.  Pitch black, and with only the normal headlights on, so I unfortunately didn’t go to the top field to practice at all since I could not see the sledding hill to drive up.  Due to the day, the people I had been with, and having Chrissy with me, I was mellow, which is an oddity.  The fact that someone I care about had told me not to kill her whilst driving earlier that day, note, I love ya, but thanks for the confidence.  Haha.  She helped me learn better on doing turns than what my dad has done.  It wasn’t driving on roads at all, which I really need to do (please, give me back roads), but it was progress. Afterwards, we slept in my parents’ camper.
   
   
5. Yesterday, I was dragged all over with my dad, but damn did he treat me to a fantastic lunch!  We stopped at the Varysburg Hotel, and had lunch at the bar there.  The owner/bartender was a nice person, and held good conversation (this is a must in my book).  Her pricing was decent, and Hell, her quesadillas were the best that I’ve ever tasted.  Giant, loaded with cheese, tomatoes (first I’ve ever had tomatoes in mine), and chunks of chicken instead of shredded.  I hadn’t eaten all day, but there was so much, that I had to force myself to finish the last bites of just the second slice.  The leftovers are awaiting me in the fridge for at some point.
   
   After lunch, we stopped at one of my dad’s buddy’s house that he has connections with due to the VFW.  As soon as I got out, their granddaughter came running up to me and barely left my side until her grandma finally got her down for a nap.  Even though I told her my name, she was adorable, going around calling me “Lady.” 
   
   
6. I had a surprise yesterday, when I was talking to my friend Melinda, who told me she had been recently talking to the philosophy professor we both had had at one time.  While she was talking to me, I immediately received a friend request from him, and spent a good portion of the night talking with him, in regards to life and Nietzche.  I honestly enjoyed our conversation, and hope to talk with him more in the future; I am pretty sure we could have some interesting things to discuss, and I know I can probably learn and discover more from him (now).

It’s funny, aside from when I wasn’t home, most of this past week is a blur.  I’ve no idea why.  I remember doing things here at the house, such as transcribing recipes and finally packing up my porcelain dolls, but the rest, it’s just not there. And yes, I did more when I was outside of the house than I am telling, but you all know by now, I don’t kiss life and tell every detail, what kind of writer or good human being would I be trying to be then?  Haha.  Well, I have yet to get ready for the day, and must do some heavy cleaning in the camper I mentioned today as well as I have a sayonara party to attend.  Hope you all are doing well, and if not…well, I’m sure you’ll find something even if it’s minute.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

Love Is.

To one who never knew real love

When you say you never felt this strong.

Love is not always getting your way

Love has no room for insecurity,

            Distrust,

            Smothering.

Love to me is not the moonbeams and the magic that they hold.

Love is stormy and the calm before,

            The feeling after.

Love is lightning, striking other clouds

            Branching to the ground,

You feel the rumble.

It isn’t the smell of sunshine, in my eyes

It is more like one that mellows me,

Creates a peace inside that I keep quiet about.

For me, love is where the rest of the world becomes silent

            I don’t need to laugh constantly

            I can lay there, side by side or against one’s chest

And breathe in the way that I no longer feel burdened.

There is much to be learned about love—

And it’s best when it’s a two-way street.

I know what it’s like for the complicated,

I don’t believe that love remaining is easy,

            Trust me, I’ve tried to toss it away.

It comes naturally, and often grows

Like the amount of freckles you often see

On my skin as they multiply.

It remains forever.

Lust is different.  Crushes are different.

Love hurts, love wins.

Love is acceptance of the differences,

Not praying for change

            Instead allowing for personal

            Evolution.

It takes time.

It takes patience.

It takes realizations

            And sincerity

Without apologizing every minute

            For each person being his or herself.

It makes time fly

            While going slow.

It becomes a lifetime

            Swallowed whole in the palm of your hand.

Outweighs everything else

Gets rid of pedestals.

Eventually, the bad and the push and pull

It becomes muted

Because you learn the meaning

You learn the impact

You learn just how much the other means to you

            And what they provide for you—

            It isn’t material

Yet it is literal.

You hold on even though others may never understand.

Love is the constant

            Even though the people advance or diverge.

Me and the one that slips inside

Without him or I giving a blink—

Is sort of like a lighthouse

On the distance shores…

Calling me, marking home.

Sometimes there’s fog and mountains blocking our way

But love always returns home

Because home is where the heart surely is.

The Saturday Six (Eight)

1. My friend Steph, whom I call my Wifey, traveled out to our hometown to celebrate her brother’s 17^th birthday and I got to spend a few hours with her.  Wonderful!  We got with some of our friends as well, from our high school days, and nope, no being quiet occurred between any of us really.  I was also able to finally give her the birthday presents and birthday letter I had for her.  She was pleased to find what I had stored in the pretty box (that she plans on using for scrapbooking) because in it, I had her letter, a painted pilsner glass, a picture frame made completely of glass, a pillar candle (the scent of her favorite cupcake, strawberry) and a cupcake cookbook.  When it comes to people I care about, when I am capable of doing something, I hardly ever miss their birthday and do my best to make sure they know that I care and love them.  I do my best to think of nothing else but them when it comes to making someone feel special.  Haha.
   
   
2. Sunday, when Steph and I were at her parents’ house, I saw the mom of someone who matters to me.  It was wonderful, because I had ran into the whole family, and when she got out of the car, she exclaimed in what seemed to be good cheer to see me.  She has received more tattoos since I last saw them in January.  She liked having me around when she got one, because I was able to distract her with good and honest, real conversation.  Glad to know I’m not hard to forget.  =)
   
   
3. Tuesday, I was greeted with a wonderful surprise.  My lovey: Jess Russell, came out with her son to visit me.  She’s never been out here, and now she has truly learned what I mean when I’ve always said that I grew up in the sticks, and that there is nothing really within walking distance from my parents’ house.  She gaped at all the green, loved the views, and was surprised to find roads that had no lines on them.  She also said after I gave her a small tour of my town that if I had lived in the town and not the country, she would be jealous of me.  To outsiders, even though there’s nothing to do, they often see the quaintness of the area.  She also loved our public library, which, even though it’s small (at least to some others that I’ve stepped foot into before).  She enjoyed the way it is set up, and I was able to show her the area that I’ve shown very few people in my life: what my happy place was when I was a child…before the teen years had ever really hit.  What is that you may ask?  It is a wooden rocking chair in a small quiet room, in the downstairs of that said library.  Then is when I wished for silence.  Now is when I almost always need a background noise such as music or a television.  The need or craving to be left alone, to have privacy, and to be around something I am passionate about, etc, has never changed since then, though.  I’m just glad that one of the people that matter so much to me was able to come out here, as well as share a piece of me with her.  And you know what ended up happening?  She whisked me away with them to their place to escape for some of the week!
   
   
4. Thursday, when I got back from Jessica’s, my friend Jamie stopped by my house for a few hours.  I like when friends do that, as long as I’m awake.  Haha.
   
   
5. I ended up opening my first checking account this week….mainly for just the bills.  I want to do my best to try and pay off some of my loans before grace period ends, and I sorely need to build up credit.  So…yeah, checking account.  Even though I can never remember the proper way to fill out a check.
   
   
6. By the way, for the past four years, I have been obsessed with the Gilmore Girls.  I had gotten the first two seasons on DVD when I was a freshman in college, and then this week, happy days…I bought the third and fourth finally.  I don’t buy things online, so it’s a lot harder to find.  And the third season is my favorite season.  So, yayness!

There’s some other things that are small things that were good about this week, and even big in my eyes, but they’re either not things that I am willing to share with the public or that I cannot recall.  I’m having problems trying to figure out some things in my personal life, and am highly stressed.  Luckily, I did get some writing in and editing…as well as a bit of playing beta reader, in this week.  I am having this post while I’m away from my computer this weekend, so hopefully you all are doing well, and I am hopefully soaking up the rays somewhere not here and possibly with my best friend from Brockport.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

The Saturday Six (Seven)

1. Sunday, I went to a wedding where I got to see my friend (who was my best friend in elementary school) get married to the man she has loved almost as long as I have known her.  She made a beautiful bride, and for the first time in my life, I cried at a wedding, and at the reception as well.
   
   
2. Monday, one of my best writer friends, Madeleine (you may know her as M. R. Bryant) traveled a little over an hour to come and visit me.  So we talked, a lot, and then I brushed off my magic wand and worked a bit of my fairy godmotherly magic on her, as she requested (she has a wedding in Pennsylvania she’s attending this weekend, and wanted to look…fannetabulous, hehe).  I’m so glad that I got to see her…I had really needed her, and I also desperately miss seeing her at least once a week, like when we went to college.  I’m sure everyone will be quite jealous of her boyfriend this weekend though, because knowing her, she’s achieved what she planned.
   
   
3. I know from talking to my friend Jess this week, that I’m blessed to have her in my life, and as part of the family I have created for myself.  Remember, if you have good friends, true friends, the ones you know are real, don’t ever let them go if you can help it.  They’re the falling stars you hold in your hand and want to keep close to your heart.
   
   
4. My best friend from college, Christine, called me up this week.  I had to get off the phone after a while, but I hope I can see her soon.  Stinks that it’s so hard to find time to even have a phone conversation any more, that isn’t texting.  But, when you’re friends and you matter, still need to try even if it’s just for a minute.  That’s something I learned a long time ago, and will keep putting into practice when someone else is willing to do so as well.
   
   
5. Yesterday, I got up early and joined Jack and his family, and his friend Jessi to go visit the Genesee Country Village and Museum (Mumford, NY).  We didn’t see every little bit, but I’m glad to be given the chance to go when I appreciate the beauty of all of it, as well as the history.  I do know though, that even though I’m already not a big fan of beer, it’s going to be a couple weeks possibly before I can swallow a swig of it after going to the 19^th century brewery.  Haha.  Oh my though, how beautiful some of the houses were….in some, I felt like I was in Dr. Quinn’s homestead before she married Sully, in other’s like I could possibly be in the Quinn house in Boston.  That’s the extremes.  I loved it though, and in one of the last houses that we had a chance to go into, I had memories of when I went to house in Rochester two years ago, to celebrate International Women’s Day.
   
   We also went to one of the museums, that held old clothing and had artwork.  How I dearly love to look at art, and see the magic a person has created with her or his own hands.  With the clothes though…even though some of it was pretty…you’d never catch me, I do believe, trying to wear any of that.  The waists were much too small, and I’d rather have comfort and air in my lungs than be constrained by a corset.
   
   My writer’s mind is pleased, as well as a bit of my soul.  Yes, I know, I may be a bit strange for saying that, but hell, I don’t care.
   
   
6. After the museum, and after lunch, when we got back to their house, I admit, I ended up falling asleep on their couch.  Jack had to wake me up eventually, and we went to a baseball game in Batavia.  It was a good game, from what I can collect, and I enjoyed the company immensely.  When we went to head back to our town, we stopped in the parking lot to watch the fireworks.  Thank the heavens for Jack, because with all those bangs, even though I enjoy the light and the sparks, I don’t know how well I would have remained standing, or if I could have kept myself from trying to shut all the sound out.

My friends have been so kind and good to me, seems even more so since I got my degree.  I may be stressing a lot lately, but I recognize what is good, what keeps me going, and that the universe or someone, is watching out for me.  Well, I’m sorry if this is rushed, but I’m extremely tired and have to make sure this posted before I decide to wake my youngest nephew up to start his day.  I’m going to make sure that this kid actually gets a nap later, so none of this sleep until 12:30 crap.  Haha.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

Possibility

I was afraid to hope

But I did it anyways.

You were the one I gave my heart to,

A piece of me is always yours

The way a piece of stardust

Will always belong to the infinite universe.

I’m still going to talk;

Still going to hold you in reverence.

My dreams were you

And now I’m going to fold them up

Like worn love letters

Into a heart-shaped box enclosed by ribs.

I’m going to give someone

That makes me feel like a princess of the fae

A chance.

He’s of a different sort than you

I feel it in my bones,

And even though I miss you,

I’m not going to pass up the possibility

Of an alternate future,

When there’s someone I feel for

Who adores me

And who is always there.

This is a new opportunity for me,

And I’m grasping straws these days

For things to keep me here,

So yeah, I hoped for us

And for the most part

I’ve given up on anything

But sporadic friendship.

Now, I’m afraid to not hope

That there may be something out there for me

To at least want my body

With all that goes with it:

The heart,

The mind,

The soul,

The woman inside…

To want all of it, enough to give

The terminology of “us”

A try.

The Saturday Six (Six)

1. Sunday, my brother and sister had a barbeque at their house.  I helped Christina get things prepared, and Marc took over the grill.  It was good eating, and I also got to watch all three of the older kids ride around the backyard, and it was a good time.  The only scary thing all day, was that night when we were doing fireworks, and one went a little more crazy than expected!
   
   
2. Monday night, all of my southern siblings, the kids, my dad, and I all went out to Paducah to go to Texas Roadhouse.  Now, I’m not a butter on bread person anymore, but I tried their honey cinnamon butter on their bread, and wow, that tasted like heaven in my mouth…I would have had more than two rolls, but since I still had supper to eat, I stopped myself.  I could be happy just eating that though!
   
   
3. I got back home here to my small town in New York around three in the afternoon on Wednesday, and how beautiful it felt to sit and watch a half hour of television on our couch.  Yeah, sure, I had to get ready soon afterwards, but after sitting in a very uncomfortable truck for the entirety of Tuesday and part of Wednesday…I’m kind of hating vehicles even more right now. Haha!
   
   
4. The Fourth of July parade in town was Wednesday as well, and my mama, my sister, her boyfriend, and Camerin and I went down to the park to watch my dad march, as well as see the rest of the parade.  We even got to see our friends Jackie and Chris’s newborn, who was so cute!  And Jack, as wonderful as he is, walked over to watch with us.  Good to see him after my trip, especially since he was able to bring me smiles.  He always brings me smiles it seems.
   
   
5. Jack and I walked around the carnival for a little while after the parade ended, talking, where he did an accent and I had to try hard not to laugh too much.  Ran into multiple people, and a lot of people are right…where’s the need for high school reunions when things like the carnival for instance, is like one, every year.  Soon, I had to say goodbye to Jack though, because he had to get home, and my girls were on their way for us to go the beer tent.
   
   
6. Yep, I went to the beer tent, where I got to dance to a live band with a couple of my friends I graduated high school with, and some of my friends that had graduated before me.  With these girls around, I know that our small town will be more bearable, and that I can count on them for fun and laughter.

Not too much has happened since the third, because I’ve been a bit of a hermit, due to being on the road so much and I wasn’t feeling great.  Today?  I’ve got an annual family party to attend, and a wedding tomorrow to go to.  So…wish sanity for me.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

Fresh Twenty

**Wrote back in either November or December, just found it in my notebooks**

I have to stop myself

From scrolling though my contacts—

            Want to text,

            Want to call—

A stop sign appears in my head

And my fingers slam on the breaks.

I won’t be,

I can’t be,

The girl you left behind

            Fresh Twenty.

I don’t recognize that girl

When I look in pictures

            Compare them to the woman in the mirror,

There was less darkness and pain

            In oh so many ways!

I can see the hauntings in the dark brown recesses in the over-worn white now.

Windows to the soul the philosophers say,

Yes, if only you have a key, and even then

            I will hide a piece from you.

In All Ways

**Actually wrote this back in November, during a class, and just discovered my notebook **

A dream is a wish your heart makes, supposedly.

If this is true, I’d give up everything—

If I could always have, me and you.

Take my hand, don’t let go.

I’m tired of standing on my own.

I’d have all I’ve ever wanted

If I’d never have to say goodbye.

Je t’adore, te amo

In all ways, I love you

We take the beauty and the flaws

Our hearts are at the center of love’s laws.

Chase

You think you control the game.

I laugh at your belief;

It may have been that way last year

            To some degree.

I snicker; you say you lack confidence

When all I’ve seen you do,

            Act….

You’re the predator, we the prey.

I’m not overt when I play my hand,

It’s silent, it’s sly.

You believe that I am the one falling for the seduction once again.

Oh dear, I believe you’ve got the roles wrong.

            They’ve been reversed.

            You just didn’t know it.

You say women are mental,

            Tell me about the issues.

We’re all mental.  There is no normal.

I’m cracking a grin; what is it you used to say, about the chase?

I only play when I want to,

But me, I quit chasing when my heart had been broken.

Tug-a-War

I’ve got a tug-a-war

Going on in my mind.

Each opponents’ memories,

Ready to fight.

One with a kiss.

One with a touch.

Both raising up their feelings

Striking a chord within,

And I wish I wasn’t

Trying to achieve

The act of my heart in the balance—

An ocean, a sea of love or happiness,

Floating beneath.

It’s like I’m seeing

A two-sided coin.

I’m giving up and giving in

Wishing that magic would help me live,

Grant me access to some light,

Not just our lonely sins.