Tuesday, January 12, 2016

I'm Invincible

You say that I'm invincible
And my heart makes a sort of squeak
            In gratitude.
How'd I find a love who not only adores
            Every flaw, quirk, weird imperfection
And thinks so highly of me?
You say someone's got to,
Since I don't seem to myself.
I appreciate that the stars found me
Someone who's been through darkness
But breaks the clouds in mine.
I've pushed forward with obstinacy,
            Pride--
However, you pull me forward with
            Embracing moon shine.
A life raft on the tides;
You bring goodness that I don't give myself.
You say that I'm invincible,
When I feel the pull of my skin by my eyes,
The heaviness of headaches from too much stress,
            Overloads of anxiety kept bound
By tension in my muscles, tendons
Turning my small and fragile warrior's body
            Hard in knots.
I cringe at touch from aching joints that
            Are too stubborn to move with ease
And nerves extra sensitive to pressure.
By my emotions worn, my mind overworked
            With thoughts and mental processes.
I see everything that I have to fight through each day
            When I wake, that so many don't acknowledge
That I try to keep on the D and L as it all breaks me down.
You asked me just the other day
As to why I say
            That I am incredibly blessed to have you--
Well, you say that I'm invincible,
Even with my obstacles large and small.
You remind me of who I am,
That I don't have a quitter's soul,
And when I twitch to raise my hand in surrender,
You tell me you love me and whisper in my ear,
Just to remind me: I'm invincible.

Slow Motion

The brake peddle slowly meets the floor
As I reach in the center to change gears from drive
            To park.
I'm anxious and my nerves are buzzing.
I want to just slam and throw,
But take the extra seconds
To slow down--
I breathe with the forced gravity
I send to my bones.

Twenty seconds, that's the only time I steal for myself alone
Before I focus on not running, falling--
Not before I meet comfort in your arms,
I must be in the moment.
Too many times, emotions override or detachment
            Takes my place--
Not tonight though.
I refuse to let it.

The last time I got to be near you--
Be near you for more than hands held,
Grasped tight,
A fleeting hour,
Wish glass would break--
I'd lost my strength.
My self.

Clouds drew in, charcoal and grey.
My silver lining and moon were driven away,
Silent and unlit blues and reds
Disappeared in the distance as I stood.
Stood as if life ebbed away with each tear
Breeching the barricades of mascara-ed lashes
And staining my porcelain cheeks
            Ready to crack.

That day has haunted and provided sleepless nights.
Restless nights.
Nights of longing,
            Terror,
                        Sadness,
            Tossing-turning,
                        And ache-filled
            Dreams when my body could do nothing
But shut down from pushing--
The strides I took to fill all the minutes
            Between that goodbye moment
And the next kiss.
Every kiss.
Embrace.
Felt my soul wearing away, for I'd for the balance.
            The yin to my yang.
I was alive but not living.
Just praying.
            Hating. Damning.
                        Loving.
I'd have knelt in your favorite green summer dress,
On bare jagged stones until my knees bruised
            If it brought you home.

Now as I fight the tears of joy that wish to fill my eyes
Since the moment you called, surprising me with the news I'd hoped for--
And all the seconds I've bounced on my toes
Counting down time until I could arrive to this now:
I look down as I speed-walk,
Knowing that with my luck that my shoes
Will slide off or send me head-long
On the sidewalk if I most too quick--
I think for a second that I should have bought
            The other shoes we'd looked at just weeks before.
A small segment of me self-conscious--
            Knowing you'll point out that these black clogs
I've already scuffed,
Don't match my chocolate brown dress pants and silky flowered-blue top--
But I can't find it in me to care as my feet carry me closer
Jacket unzipped and wide-open, hair in disarray,
            To the store where with my friends
I'm told that you await.

I hesitate half a breath before the glass door with the open sign beckoning
And see you in the middles of everyone else
            Though I love them, they're blurred in the edges.
I burst through a lose all breath
            Because the bad has faded the moment I see you
In your black-grey striped sweatshirt and ruffled clean clothes--
My home is free....

And our group jumps to the side
As I nearly tackle you with my arms thrown wide around your nexk
No worries of falling,
Because as always
            You catch me and keep me standing.
Heart.
            Break.
                        Breath.
                                    Catch.
With a kiss I never want to end,
You set me down,
And I'm okay with facing the world.