Thursday, September 26, 2013

You Were the First Person



You were the first person, since the person I loved,
Who I deigned to let hold me, where it actually felt right. 
Where I was comfortable
And somewhat peaceful. 
It wasn’t my perfect,
My fairytale,
But it was right. 
I don’t regret it. 

In fact, I sort of miss it,
And I miss you. 
You are also the only other guy
I fell asleep next to,
Let alone in the arms of,
Besides the one my heart’s with, 
That I could fall asleep with so quickly—easily—
And slip away.

It hurts that you’re not around.
The silence,
The lack of laughter,
The music and eyes meeting.
You were a friend,
I still want you as a friend.
I thought I saw a beautiful soul, thirsty to grow.
Don’t stop growing,
But try to grow towards the sun,
Not the shadows.
You don’t belong in the shadows.
The shadows are where others like I, belong.

You may have been mean,
You may have done me wrong,
But I know I was doing wrong as well.
Trying to open the love sector of my heart,
To give you a chance outside of friendship,
Outside of attraction,
But my heart won’t turn off the love for the other.
Telling you I felt for you was wrong.
That was our mistake. Choking on the water.

I miss you, so yes, don’t stop the talk.
I know from my past, it won’t be the same,
But you are beautiful inside,
Don’t let anyone tell you different.
Don’t tell yourself different.
I never lied about what I saw,
So grow,
Open your leaves.
Offer another peace.
Offer yourself peace.

Once You're Gone



Summer days, they won’t be the same.
The laughter, the holding hands
You showin’ up on my doorstep.

Chorus:
What am I to do once you’re gone?
Where’s the fun in growin’ up without someone?
I always wanted you, you by my side
What’s the point of keepin’ on, keepin’ on?
What’s the point of keepin’ on, keepin’ on?

Love letters don’t always hold you warm.
I’d rather have your arms and your lips
The way you’ve made me feel from my toes to my fingertips.

Chorus

I’m not looking forward to you leaving,
Even though I’m sure I can find something to occupy my time.
It all just won’t be the same without you by my side.

Chorus

What am I to do?
Gotta say that my feelings are too strong,
Don’t want you to go, don’t want you gone.

So what’s the point, what’s the point of keepin’ on?

Chorus

What’s the point of keepin’ on once you’re gone?

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Tempest's Hour

***For Madeleine***

Rubbing the lotion into my hands,
I stared at my computer screen, trying to make sense
Of the articles I had yet to read.
My phone buzzed and rattled against my wooden desk,
Startling me out of slipping through space.
A message popped up when I flipped it open
To view the text I had received.
A message crying for help,
Barely comprehensible—
But I knew my friend well,
I knew she needed me.
So dropping everything else,
No thought in my head but fear,
            Worry,
                        Care,
I grabbed my phone in a blur
Along with my keys
And flew out of my chair,
            Across my room,
                        Out my door
Without a blink.

I ran down the stairwell
That was stationed beside my suite
Not bothering to wonder if my bare feet would trip
Over one of the cement steps
Separating my floor
            From hers.
Bursting forth, I tried with no avail
To swing open her bedroom door
Petrified of what I might find,
            But knowing I needed to be inside.
It was locked and I pounded
Saying her name.
My Mia, my Anne,
In pain had to scrabble
To unlock the door
            In order for aid.

When I finally made it through,
I felt my heart in my throat
Air missing from my lungs.
My friend was a crumpled mess
On her bedroom floor.
I dropped my belongings on the ground,
Closed the door,
And knelt down beside her.
I still recall the lightness of her body
As I took upon myself to get her moved.
Together, we managed to get her arm
Around my neck,
And I bore the little weight with my short stature
Across the room—
Putting her to bed.

We laid there for two
            Or three
Hours, as I held her in my arms
Shaking, stuttering,
Telling me to only call for help if she began to choke.
And thoughts raced through my head
Of ways to keep things under control
            If I had to
Call
            And wait
                        For help.
I didn’t have to though,
Just spoke to keep with calm
While holding her one hand
As her other kept twitching against my chest.
She muttered and words tumbled from her mouth
As her meds began to set.
The night was silent
All except for our breath
            And the tension surrounding our bubble.

When I was sure
That she would sleep and that the terror
Of the midnight,
And the ticking had slowed—
I bid her sleep well,
Snatched up my things, still on the floor,
And crept out the door.
I felt as if gravity was wanting to push me
To kneel, as I made my way back to my own place.
The rest of the world became dark
I had a new focus in the lens of my mind.
I cried for a few more hours,
Barely sleeping before I had to again, rise,
To greet everyone,
            Act as if everything was the same.
As if I weren’t scared of losing my friend.
The realization that she could have died
And I was one sprouting new wings.

Hope flutters inside your soul.
It hits you that what you knew mattered,
            Matters more than before.
Life. It’s to be cherished.
Friendship—you hug it.
True ties, you don’t let go.
Fight.
Don’t take flight.
Love.

It’s been a year, since those hours passed
And inside I still at times, shed tears.
I can still hear the shake in her voice
And the mini-me in my head coaching me to be calm, seem serene.
I worry about her often still,
Even though we now know her diagnosis.
I miss her often, tensing to leap up when she needs me.

Many things in my life have made me grow up, too quickly at times
            Or in ways others had no need to.
It’s the way of life.
But two or three hours,
Spent in anxious pandemonium,
And the friendship that is now for life and time after,
Altered me, made me grow.
I can’t go back to the woman from before,
And nor would I wish to.
I count the blessings even more so,
And learned that my heart that I always thought too big,
Is the right size, even if it contains pain,
Because I know that if possible,
All becomes less meaningful if you don’t make sacrifice.
            If you don’t show the care you speak of.
                        If you don’t express the love in your veins.
My friends are my family, the ones where it’s not blood that matters.
It’s the actions, the heart—the hearts.

Small things, like holding the hand of a friend
When she’s in pain, when she’s feeling alone
Just giving support, showing that there’s real care,
Providing love. Can help make one strong.
Make the bond of friends stronger,
You both survive better, knowing there’s each other.
Holding on. Leaning on. Pulling through.
Miss Thermopolis is to me
As I am fairy-godmother to her.
We’ve experienced real magic:
Getting through a night of terror,
And never leaving one another—
Pixie dust slips into our veins—
Friends. Family.
A hopeful Tolkien, a dreaming Lewis.

Two women.
            Stand tall.
                        We are no man.
We take upon us, courage that we do not see in ourselves, to push on.
We live.
            We create.
                        We breathe in and out
                                    What is in our hearts.
We are the brightest stars, in the moonlight.
Refuting literal farewells.
Staying by and by, in the night,
Together greeting sunlight.
We glitter, even though we are not gold.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

The Saturday Six (Fifteen)

1.  I went driving twice earlier this week with my mom, taking routes I hadn’t taken yet. I also was driving a car both times, which was extremely different for me, since all I’ve practiced in is trucks.  I’m happy with the progress though, but wasn’t able to practice much more later in the week due to it raining all week, and no one’s been home much with time to help. Taking what I can get.

And trying hard not to put an S.O.S. online to my friends in the area with vehicles, asking them to help me practice/learn in return for baked goods. Not kidding. I’ve thought about baking for others in return for lessons.


2.  A week ago, I went to my friend Chrissy’s where for the first time in a long time, I just sat on the floor for over two hours, no music, no music, no nothing, just talking.  We’ve both been stressed and just vented. On just about everything, like a great purge. After, we went to the local Tops, bought a four-case of Jamaican-Me-Crazy wine coolers, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s (Karamel Sutra, to split), Kettle Salt and Vinegar chips, and those awesome sour Twizzlers we had that one time we went to the drive-in. We then watched Wanderlust, and capped off the night to music videos and parodies on youtube before sleeping hard. Guess you can say we sorely needed a stay-in girls’ night of some of the simplest of pleasures: friendship, comedy, and junk food. I’m glad for nights like that though, because even if they come about due to stress and sadness, etc, they help heal you a little bit to keep you going.  Kind of like a recharge without going out and being stupid.  And trust me, I’ve been wanting to go out and be stupid. Haha.

3.  Tuesday night, I was over the moon. I’m not one of those girls that generally chase, nor tries and tries to be noticed. It’s generally, here I am simply, you see me then let me know. Well…since my 21stbirthday almost a year ago, I have been trying here and there to get just a hi from my favorite actor via Twitter. Usually, when an author, writer, or actor hasn’t responded, I’m like, well..okay, they’re busy, I get it. I’ve smiled though when some have responded to me, mostly just a couple of authors (Libba Bray, Alyson Noel) that I’m not friends with or a couple actors (Kris Holden-Ried, Rick Howland, and Robin Strasser) or when some well-known people follow me. It’s nice.

Well, after many once in a blue moon tweets to my favorite actor, he posted a simple Tweet asking how people were or what they were up to.  All I did was respond, stating I was working on one of my novels that’s in progress (it’ll be a long time before you see anything long from them, I’m more picky with my longer works than my short).

He answered me.

Milo Ventimiglia tweeted me.

And, I’m pretty sure my heart stopped, and a large part of me said that if I were to die right now, I would be happy. Then again, even though he’s fourteen years older than me, I always did say after I started watching his work, that I would happily marry him and bare his children in a heartbeat. Funny how we can be when we like someone, right?

But I don’t just like Milo for his looks, or voice, even though just in the physical sense he’s pretty damn sexy (future males in my life, don’t take it to heart, just because I like him doesn’t mean I’ll deny you, like some have oddly thought). I like him for the work he does usually. And honestly, if I could somehow, I would want to work with him. I wouldn’t have to fangirl and be with him, just working with him as colleuges would be nice. I don’t know how exactly, but you never know where the world will take you, or where your passions will take you. I mean, come on, when I was younger, I wanted to be a teacher and a writer that got published.  Now, I just want to be someone that helps others, and a writer who yes, still wants to be published but doesn’t have to have fame for it, but who also wants to have artists sing my lyrics, and would love to get on the other side of the writing world—editing, publishing.  So who knows, maybe I’ll be lucky and get to talk with Milo more in the future, maybe be blessed enough to work with him.

Don’t know.I do know though, that my positivity levels have been ultimately low lately, but that that ONE text from him, made my levels go up a good degree.  And isn’t that all we want from the people that look up to us, or that enjoy what we work hard to create, is to touch them somehow, even if it’s just a smile?

Now, if only the people that we care about in our actual lives and who we like, or love, could realize just how much even a phone call or text message can change things around for us? Haha.

 

Oh, and if you think this was the closest I could display to my excitement, when Libba Bray tweeted me for the first time a year ago:


 Think again when it came to Milo.

Anyways….





 …I’m just going to shut up for a bit about the Milo tweet now, so no one wants to take a frying pan to my head (inside joke between my mama and I this week, don’t ask). Besides, pretty sure there’s a high chance of me swooning and drooling later in the future. I’ll just enjoy this and be quiet.


4.  My friend, writer Jess Russell, deigned to tell me that her son has asked at times if they could visit me again. Not only do I love Jessica, she is like family to me, I love that her son wants to hang out with me as well. He’s got a great mom, and is a good kid. I’m still shocked at how extroverted he is at times, especially with how quickly he made friends when I took them to the park in my town over the summer. Hope to see them sometime before Christmas if possible, missing them both.

5.  Yesterday, I went job hunting, getting and handing in more applications. I walked around in my large raincoat, in the rain (was pouring most of the time) up and down Main Street in my town.  I’m now stuck waiting to hear anything, and will probably try to put out more applications next week.

Cross your fingers and wish me luck. I need it.


6.   I heard my mom say last night that you’d think people in our family would know that October 12th is not a good day for our family. Note: I go “huh?” with a “what the heck ya talking about” look pasted across my face.  Apparently, every marriage that has occurred in our family, on that date, has ended in divorce. Now, I tend not to be a superstitious woman, but what about being the one that marries a couple on that day? You know, get ordained and tie two people together?  Okay…just realized how odd that sounds, but I’m writing this straight out of my head as I process.

I’m serious.

One of my friends wants to get married on that date someday in the future, and I promised to officiate when the time came.

I don’t want to jinx them.

I’m kind of hoping that my cousin that I don’t know, and his fiancée, end up having a long fruitful marriage, and kick this thing in the derrière.

Also…, a person I care about deeply, has that date as a birthday.  I really don’t need more things saying “no.” Partly because I’ll resent it more and find a way to say screw you more often on that subject, but still.

Alas, I think way too often these days, about some random things. And it doesn’t matter. Yet, the thought still pops into my head. And triggers dominoes.  Anyone else?

Please say I’m not alone in this. *faceplant*


~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

PS—I had to refrain from posting any screen stills of Milo from That’s My Boy, and Pathology, considering I don’t know how young people are that are reading this.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

The Saturday Six (Fourteen)



  1. Saturday, my mom, my sister, my nephew, and I all went to Geneseo for Chinese and a trip to Goodwill.  My mom ended up buying me some “new” books, some by Mercedes Lackey, The Diary of Anne Frank, and a few Boxcar Children books for my collection.  The latter was my favorite series when I was a little kid, and I still hunt for copies to add to it; I wasn’t sure if the books we got were ones I already have, but luckily, when I went to shelve them, I didn’t. Yay! Oh, and she got me some soundtracks on CD as well as a cute cookie jar for my future apartment.

  2. Mom worked with me more on driving on Sunday, and I can’t wait to learn to shift…I feel really bad when I have to ride my brakes, especially since I hear my dad’s voice in my head lecturing me about it. She says I’m doing better at making my turns. The only tenseness I’ve felt when with her is in my left arm, and more confident.

    Dad came home on Monday though, and had me driving on our fields, lawn, and through our pasture…needless to say, my whole body locked and I almost became sick because my anxiety became so bad. I really wish there was a driving school for adults in my town, and not half an hour away.

  3. Elk jerky. Yeah, I got to try some of that this week, courtesy of Texas. Better than bear, similar to deer, but more dry. I know, it’s jerky, but trust me, jerky can have a moist taste. We used to make deer jerky when I was a kid, I know what I’m talking about. All in all, it was alright. I wouldn’t go searching for it, but I’d eat it if put in front of me again.

  4. I’ve thought about doing yoga for a while, and this week, I hunted down over a hundred beginners videos on youtube. And I’ve started doing yoga. Very small stuff right now, and going pretty slow. I ended up tweeting with my old personal trainer, Jenn, from my college days, for advice. Aside from the normal stuff most people have told me, she told me to experiment and test with some things, and do low-impact. I have tendonitis in my right wrist, so some things I can’t do compared to a year ago, such as downward dog, push-ups, and a plank that isn’t on the elbows. I want to badly, but considering I have to take breaks just from the computer to ice and massage now and then, as well as just stop using that hand, I guess I’m SOL on some positions.

    I did make a small playlist for my first circuit to branch from, which is going well so far. Some parts were harder than others, but…I’m actually a tad optimistic about it. And I realized that some parts of my body are considered more flexible already than others. Like bending my knees toward the floor…I guess some need pillows until they become better at that part, while mine had no need. Yay! And my lower back, is very weak. Something I never would have thought. Yikes! Seriously, I went to do one move where your weight is on your forearms flat on the floor, while you’re laying on your back, legs straight, and lift your butt up off the floor, and hold for three breaths. Needless to say, this is where I had to experiment, and pretty much turned myself into an open box or something, but bringing my feet in, and had to lift my butt up that way. Gaining strength in that area is going to be harder than I imagined. Boo.

    I feel for anyone who hasn’t worked out in a while, or trying to learn new things like this. It’s hard, which is great. And it did make me feel better a bit. But man—a pain in the, would it be lower back in this instance? Haha.

  5. I’ve started asking some of my published author friends to beta-read for me. To be honest, even though I had professors who were published read my work in college, I think I’m more nervous now. I love them, but when you spend so much time with pieces of work, looking at it over again, etc, over a course of time, you no longer know entirely what to expect.

  6. Last night, my youngest nephew, got a hold of some leftover bubble wrap from one of the packages we got this week. Needless to say, after supper, he stood in the kitchen, jumping and marching on it, wanting us to join. We preferred to watch his excitement, and besides, we know our feet would have popped most of it and taken away his fun rather quickly. He was definitely over-wound, but I like that fact that he can still enjoy life like that. Have fun with small simple things, and not the countless toys he is spoiled with, and not in the need of all of the electronics so many kids seem to have at much earlier ages than in the past.

    Sum of this scene: enjoy the bubble wrap in your life over the things that cost more. Simple pleasures y’all, those make the world go ‘round. And even though that has me aching to curl up with someone close to my heart, and god forbid it, watch an awful horror movie or raunchy comedy that aren’t my taste, I still mean what I say. Simple. Pleasures. Enjoy them. Cherish them.

~Count your blessings, and whether things are bad or you’re doing well, find something good and hold on!

Much love!

~*~Alyse~*~

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

When I Said I'd Be Alright



I won’t be here, when you come home
I’m sorry, but I had to go.

I loved you like dew on the night grass
Giving my heart up like Alice and her looking glass.

Chorus:
The only lie I ever told
Was when I said I’d be alright
But here I am, feeling cold
Praying for some sunlight
So instead of staying home,
I’m driving away on my own.

You gave me pieces of you
The kind I didn’t know how to glue.

Promised me everything would be alright in the end
The only thing I can find is memories in the sand.

Chorus

Passion flowed between us like silent fire
I never thought I’d feel something so dire.

I can’t look back now without chancing tears
Falling in love’s now my biggest fear.

Chorus

The only lie I ever told
Has left me, feeling cold

So instead of staying home,
I’m driving away, driving away, on my own.

"Blood on My Hands" Teaser



***Story is working towards the finish line, and then I'm going to send to friends to beta-read. And hopefully send it out to possibly be published. But figured I'd post a teaser aside from tiny quotes on my author page for it.***

            “Are you ready?”
            “I’ve always been ready, you know that.”
            “What, you’ve always been ready to get hitched?”
            “No….  I’ve always been ready to start another chapter with you, you goof!  Who you are, the way we are…you are air to me that helps me feel free.  I’d rather shackle myself to someone that loves me and makes my heart flutter like hummingbirds are stuck in my chest and puts a fog in my brain that I can see clearly through, than anyone else.”
            “Hummingbirds, really?” Tristan smirked, grabbing both of my hands and whirling me around until he had my back against a tree.  “Well, if kisses be the food of love….”
            “It’s music you dork,” I laughed, as he went in to kiss me.  I lightly pressed against his chest as I slid my face away, “you’re going to delay it.”
            He moved in closer, caught my lips with his, and then trailed to first my cheek, then my neck.  “Hmmm…so are they flying?”
            “Umm…I think it’s more of a stutter.  A stutter…and you’re making that fog awfully thick….”
            He laughed against my shoulder, “Should we get back on the path now?”
            I straightened up away from the tree as I tried to clear my head from the feel-good veil that had filled my thoughts.  “That’s just plain cruel of you Mr. Thornehart,” I said as a small smile played across my face.
            He started walking toward the grove where we had planned to meet the others as I watched his shadow stretch and move across the gravestones with each stride.  The light from the late afternoon sun shone through the leaves making the old granite sparkle where it hit.  The air was silent save for the crunch of twigs and the squish of mud beneath our feet; I looked behind us, toward the cemetery gates from which we came.  The brass was tarnished and the hinges squeaked with a light push when we had come in.  People rarely came this time of the year, because the ground was still too frozen for shovels and pickaxes, and even with the trees and graves to block the wind, it wasn’t enough when you had to stand beside a hole to watch a loved one be lowered down.  Everyone in town preferred to wait until high spring to put their hearts six feet deep.  We would have our privacy.  We knew this would be the best place to keep away from peering eyes, and we thought it was more beautiful than the churches in town, and sweeter than the courthouse.