Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Artist


Artist.
The tortured one.
He lives in ink.
Belongs to none.
Never able to make up his mind.
Broke me,
My soul.
Made me stop believing.
The heart tries to go on,
While he haunts all memory.
Take your needle and your dye
It’s the only world
Where the true you lies.

How Did I Disappoint You This Time?

***Wrote this in Dec/Jan of 2011/2012***

So how did I disappoint you this time?
You still don’t approve of my writing,
You don’t understand the words I write on the page.
I write about love and you think that I’ve gone and done something wrong.
I write a song, and you don’t like the story line broken up with the chorus—
I write a poem about the death of my cousin,
And you say that it’s ripped raw and real, but you worry that I will try to kill myself
Because of the line about suicide and Russian roulette;
How could you think that? I know that I’ve almost died,
I’ve almost tried to commit the suicide, but heaven was there
I have angels among friends, and I’M STILL HERE!
Don’t you trust me?

How did I disappoint you this time?
You still want me to be a teacher,
Even though you don’t seem to get that teachers are not the same
As they once were.  If they do what a teacher should,
You know, be the stand-in parent for when a student is in school,
Care about the children and guide them—
If they do this, they get their authority overrun,
They get turned out and shot by the administrative gun.
Instead, teachers who want to keep their jobs,
Have to harden their hearts and pile on the work,
Not teaching a damn thing.
I don’t want that, can’t you see?
You know I wear my heart on my arm so much that tears bleed from worn out eyes
And when I try to harden my heart, even just to deal with you,
It hurts and I want to puke—
If I was a teacher, I would be thin and an ulcer would kill me;
Don’t you want me to have a good career that I can enjoy and that won’t kill me with ulcers?
Can’t you see that I am caring still, even with the shit that I’ve been put through?

How did I disappoint you this time?
I know you miss that little girl, the ten year old from ten years ago—
You want me to go back in time and freeze me there,
But I can’t go back.
I know I’ve changed, but that comes with age;
Year after year, almost three out of nine, you were gone and I was left looking for answers.
I can’t blame you, our country needed you, another soldier driving in the line of fire;
But how can you continue to blame me,
Your youngest daughter, for not trusting men and keeping you at arms length—
How can I believe that any man that comes into my life won’t jut leave me and I’ll be alone?
Daddy issues as the therapist would say, yeah, I know,
I’ve got daddy issues but I deal with it on my own.
Don’t you think that inside I’m young at heart?
How could I love so much in this world if I wasn’t?

How did I disappoint you this time?
I still love you, can’t you love me?
You tell me you’re proud of me,
Then why do I fear what you would think
If you knew the real girl in this skin—
One tattoo, two tattoo
Overweight but healthy
Short and strong-willed
Crooked tooth, unaligned jaw
Writer, creator
Caring, lover
Still your little girl forever, just older and wiser.
I don’t fit in the box that you want me to be in,
Chains don’t work on me, instead I pull on them.
Accept me for who I am, that’s all I really want—
No more fighting, no more anxiety
Just because we’re not the same,
Except for the walls we carry around us.

What If?


I lay awake
In my bed
For endless nights, on end.
Thinking about the past
I can’t stand it,
The non-stop rants that play in my head.
I want to rip my hair out,
Since I can’t hurt you.
Instead I was the one with the pain,
And you only had pretend guilt.

I had fallen apart,
My friends and family watched
As I wasted away,
Because my heart was splattered on the pavement.
How could you leave me,
With nothing but arguing
And a “Fuck-you-goodbye!”
It was something that made me wish I were Anna
So I could jump in front of a train.

I had all my dreams wrapped up in you
Like pennies in a jar,
Adding to it with each detail
Of the happiness that you made my heart sing.
Cruel was life
To make me believe in soul mates and fate
And that two people were meant to be.
Yeah, sure, I can still believe in it for friends and family,
But happy endings are not for me
It seems.

You came back
About a month and a half since the mess
Sending me a massive text.
You said how you were sure
That I would never want to hear from you
And that you would never be able
To atone for every mistake you ever made toward me.
After all, you missed me.
You still cared for me.
Didn’t want to lose me,
Even though we couldn’t speak of our feelings.
You even went as far to say
That you had no excuse for what you did,
But then the rest of the message was just that—
An excuse.

Then we tried talking
But there were so many walls
Between us—
More than when we first met,
That it felt stilted and stiff,
As if I were speaking to a robot or mannequin.
We barely talked about our new lives,
Feelings and relationships of any kind
Were off limits,
As if I were some kid that tried crossing the line
In a museum of ancient artifacts.

One night, you texted in the early AM,
Like you used to do so often,
When we’d have our long talks
And be open.
One text, two text
Hope leaps in.
Something I swore
To forget even existed.
You wanted me to come
And stay the night that weekend.
I said I would try,
While inside I was excited and scared.
When I finally gave an answer
That equated to “I can’t,”
I tried to find a solution,
Have you over for a movie instead.
But you replied that you met someone new—
It was a well aimed poisoned dart.
I knew it was too good to be true.

I had given one too many chances to you.
You were the stable boy for the princess
That is how the fairy tales should go.
The guy falling for the one that was too good for him
And then letting her go
So she could spread her wings.
Ha! That’s a load of bull,
Because if true love existed,
We wouldn’t part,
You wouldn’t go.
I would’ve given up college,
I would’ve said goodbye to wanting to leave our state
To remain in our crummy town,
That we both hate.
I would’ve done it for you,
You were my true dream,
The clichéd heaven-on-earth.
I wanted what was best for you,
The rare few that cared, trusted, and believed in you.
I saw a future for you
When you were dismal and bleak,
Now that has turned into mine
When others ask what is in store for me
When it comes to the matter
Of love.

Of course I still dream.
I still have goals.
I will get my degree
And move out on my own.
I will find a way,
To make myself free—
But unfortunately
My heart is closed,
Because someone still holds the key.
That would be you,
Granted I hate to admit it.
I close my eyes
And you haunt me
Like drugs to an addict.
I want to wrench myself out
Of whatever we’re in,
And yet I cannot,
Because I’m left with
What if?

Calling Out For Love


Come bring me home,
Sweet country sky.
I’ve been lost,
I will not lie.

I breathe in the air,
All sense is gone.
I cannot care,
Reopen my soul.

Chorus:
I feel my spirit in me,
It’s calling out for love.
I can feel my heart beating,
It’s calling out for love.

The sun shines down
And warms the grass beneath my feet.
Wind rushes through me,
Cleansing from head to toe.

Fire ignites to passion
Water is emotion.
When you’re by my side,
I’ll be home at last.

Chorus

Calling out for love.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Sometimes


Sometimes I feel
As if everything, inside of me, is breaking.
How can I hold on,
Without a hand to cling to,
The one who was my shelter
Is still so far gone.

Sometimes I think back
To who I was back then and now,
How can I go back
Without the love to greet me,
When all lights go out
And I’m still alone.

Sometimes I want to
Reverse time and revert back
Have all the memories rewind and
Let me return to
When I was cared for and
I believed you’d never leave.

Sometimes I wonder
Will the old me resurface
But then I know the truth
It won’t happen because of you.
So I guess I’ll go on
And just dream of you.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Unwanted and Unnoticed

***This is for my girl, Christine <3***

When we are together
It’s just you and me baby.
How can you make me feel
Like the only girl that mattered?

And you treat me so good one minute,
Just to turn it around,
Ignore me the next.
How can’t you see
What you mean to me?

Chorus:
Drawing me in
Just to spit me out
Unwanted and unnoticed.
I know it’s partly my fault—

‘Cause I had to end up having
Just the slightest bit of feelin’.
I don’t know how…
How much more that I can take
Before, I finally break.

I gave you all my love,
All of what I am.
And you threw it in my face
Like you never gave a damn.

Chorus

Because I let you walk in
Making the room yours.
It was all an act,
And every word a lie.

Honey, I give up
I am not a toy.
Every one deserves a love
But you are not my one.
I’m done giving you a chance.

Drawing me in
Just to spit me out
Unwanted and unnoticed
I know, but it’s no longer my fault.

Heartsong


I’m standing in night and day.
I’m in the shadows,
Part of the in-between.
Can you see me?

Chorus:
I’m still holdin’ out for you.
My heart is yours
If you say the word.
I sit back and wonder—
Can a heartsong die too?

You walked away,
As if we were nothing.
Let me slip from your hand,
Was this the real you?

Chorus

I’ve cried a thousand times
Wished I could take back each kiss
I wasted on you.
My inside dies as we separate.

Chorus

You were my heartsong,
The one that I loved.
I try to move on,
But it’s hard when you pull on my chest.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Stepped into the Real World


People that used to matter,
They don’t matter anymore.
Think that they know me,
Make judgment calls,
Begging for the old me, but

Chorus:
I’m not the hopeless romantic,
Teenaged girl with the stars in her eyes,
The one that believed in fairy tales.
I’ve stepped into the real world.

Don’t tell me who I am,
Until you’ve walked in my shoes,
I may share my stories,
Just know that I hold no regrets,
Your perception doesn’t scare me.

Chorus

See me as I really am,
I’m not the kind that hides with lies.
I’ll be blunt and brutal,
You can’t handle what I do.
I don’t care if you walk away.

I’ve stepped into the real world.

What it Wants


You’re not mine,
I can’t state a claim.
If someone wants you
I’ll have to sit on the sidelines.

Chorus:
Here’s the truth of the tale,
The heart wants what it wants,
Emotions and attractions
Open my eyes.

I like it when you come to me,
Your touch makes me feel alive—
You send an electric current
And I give in.

Chorus

I won’t make you choose
It’s not right to say it’s me or the other,
I just ask that there’s honesty,
Embrace what you’re given.

Chorus

Take what you want,
I’ll keep your secrets.

Jekyll and Hyde


Your words,
Cut just like a knife.
I don’t know what to do.
It’s like I’m being gutted out alive.

Chorus:
What you say,
Does more damage than a bruise.
It’s emotional and mental abuse.
I want to hide away,
But it haunts me like a ghost.

You say yes, then no
I’m confused of where to go.
Make me feel alone.
Want me to depend on you.

Chorus

For every positive, there’s a negative.
Enunciate the syllables
You know that the clearer it’s stated,
The longer it takes for time to heal.

Chorus

There’s no running without falling.
So I ask God
To save me with His grace.
I’m going to survive.

Goodbye, Jekyll and Hyde.