So how did I disappoint you this time?
You still don’t approve of my writing,
You don’t understand the words I write on the page.
I write about love and you think that I’ve gone and done
something wrong.
I write a song, and you don’t like the story line broken up
with the chorus—
I write a poem about the death of my cousin,
And you say that it’s ripped raw and real, but you worry
that I will try to kill myself
Because of the line about suicide and Russian roulette;
How could you think that? I know that I’ve almost died,
I’ve almost tried to commit the suicide, but heaven was
there
I have angels among friends, and I’M STILL HERE!
Don’t you trust me?
How did I disappoint you this time?
You still want me to be a teacher,
Even though you don’t seem to get that teachers are not the
same
As they once were. If
they do what a teacher should,
You know, be the stand-in parent for when a student is in
school,
Care about the children and guide them—
If they do this, they get their authority overrun,
They get turned out and shot by the administrative gun.
Instead, teachers who want to keep their jobs,
Have to harden their hearts and pile on the work,
Not teaching a damn thing.
I don’t want that, can’t you see?
You know I wear my heart on my arm so much that tears bleed
from worn out eyes
And when I try to harden my heart, even just to deal with
you,
It hurts and I want to puke—
If I was a teacher, I would be thin and an ulcer would kill
me;
Don’t you want me to have a good career that I can enjoy and
that won’t kill me with ulcers?
Can’t you see that I am caring still, even with the shit
that I’ve been put through?
How did I disappoint you this time?
I know you miss that little girl, the ten year old from ten
years ago—
You want me to go back in time and freeze me there,
But I can’t go back.
I know I’ve changed, but that comes with age;
Year after year, almost three out of nine, you were gone and
I was left looking for answers.
I can’t blame you, our country needed you, another soldier driving
in the line of fire;
But how can you continue to blame me,
Your youngest daughter, for not trusting men and keeping you
at arms length—
How can I believe that any man that comes into my life won’t
jut leave me and I’ll be alone?
Daddy issues as the therapist would say, yeah, I know,
I’ve got daddy issues but I deal with it on my own.
Don’t you think that inside I’m young at heart?
How could I love so much in this world if I wasn’t?
How did I disappoint you this time?
I still love you, can’t you love me?
You tell me you’re proud of me,
Then why do I fear what you would think
If you knew the real girl in this skin—
One tattoo, two tattoo
Overweight but healthy
Short and strong-willed
Crooked tooth, unaligned jaw
Writer, creator
Caring, lover
Still your little girl forever, just older and wiser.
I don’t fit in the box that you want me to be in,
Chains don’t work on me, instead I pull on them.
Accept me for who I am, that’s all I really want—
No more fighting, no more anxiety
Just because we’re not the same,
Except for the walls we carry around us.
